To offer my help?

[SacreLao]

Ok bit of a strange one.

I do not speak to my younger sister and havn't done for 3 years due to a pretty serious argument and her eratic behaviour. She is pretty dangerous and nasty and has in the past threatened to slit my children's throats and assaulted my partner, so not a petty sibling squabble.

She has 3 children, I know the eldest one and we were very close but the other 2 I have only seen in passing as they were born after the fall out.

Anyway I found out today from our mother that in the last 2 weeks my little sister has firstly been diagnosed with post-natal depression and then also bipolar disorder (which I suspected all along) but that her husband has left her 2 DAYS after the diagnosis and has moved back to his home town over 70 miles away.

She has 3 children aged 6 years, 13 months and 3 months and according to my mum is NOT COPING. She relied on him for everything and dosn't even have a pram so cannot get out the house with 2 non-walkers, he always drove them everywhere.

She also attempted suicide a few days and so now my mum is keeping watch on her.

Anyway I want to get in contact with her and basically say leave the past in the past and offer my help. It sounds like she is really going through hell right now and I feel awful for her children and what they must be going through also.

I suppose I worry that my offer will be rejected or that she will be offended, bearing in mind that I am not supposed to know any of this as my mum was sworn to secrecy and has only told me as she is so worried.

How would I even approach her if I have to pretend I think everything is fine?

Dont pretend.
Just go and help.
It will either bring you back together, or keep you apart. Either way nothing to lose, and plenty to gain in reviving your relationship with your sister.

Your poor sister, while the threats she made towards your children are in no way acceptable, it sounds like she was/is qiute poorly. And fair play to you, being big enough to leave the past in the past.

Just imagine if it was the other way around....wouldn't you want your sister to forget the past, and just be grateful for any help from anyone.

Hope she accepts your offer in good grace and it turns things around for you all.
Good Luck

When you say she's attempted suicide a few days, are you saying several times over a few days? If so, are her children safe?

Should you or your mum not be contacting a mental health team? (sorry, don't know what they're called these days) Or her doctor at the very least.

With regards to you contacting her, I can see why you might be wary, but the level of care you have for her is apparent in the way you're wary of how she might be offended or reject you rather than because she threatened to slit the throats of your DC and assaulted your DP.

If you think the risk of her repeating her threats or carrying them out is non existent (and I would be very concerned about anyone who threatened the life of any child, let alone my own) then you could talk to your mum again and say you don't feel you are able to follow through on the promise you made not to say anything.

She does sound in a very dark place so I'm suprised your mum has effectively discouraged a potential line of support for her daughter who is suffering so much.

If it were me I don't think I would pretend everything was fine, if you've not contacted her for three years you can't really just do it out of the blue trying to pass it off as a coincidence at such a time in her life.

I think in this kind of situation the normal familial rules of politeness don't apply, if you think your sister or her children are at serious risk of harm, you are under an obligation to act.

Or, if it's not too dramatic to say, you'll be living with the consequences of not acting.

That's my thinking, it was always clear as day she had mental health issues and I am just so pleased that she is now being treated for them.

I really can't tell her that I know what has happened, she is very paranoid about people talking behind her back at the moment and if she knows my mum has told me then she may not only reject my help but her's also. Seeing as right now my mum is the only one feeding and washing the children etc. it's not a risk i'm prepared to take.

I have asked my mum to suggest to her about letting me know as I can help with the kids and see how she react's to it.

ZigZag - I do deeply care for my little sister and as I said in my previous post I have always known she had mental health issues but she refused to believe it herself until now.

From what I gather she is worse than ever so yes she may well repeat the threats and while I don't believe she would harm my children (not that I would even allow her access to them at this early stage). She will and has in the past smashed windows in my home etc. and this is a risk I might be opening up again.

However both her and her children are at MAJOR risk, she is litterally falling apart and my mum can't be there every minute of every day. She is struggling herself.

Oh and just to clarify - it was one suicide attempt a few days ago - she cut her throat with a broken bottle, thankfully not deep enough to cause permanent damage. Also my mum is not discouraging contact she just does not want me to tell me sister that she told me about the problems for the reasons I have explained above.

Ok, I assumed in my previous post that she is getting medical support...

Is there any other way you could "find out"?

E.g. Pop some easter eggs for kids round and say you want to put the past in the past, just to break the ice and open the lines of communication between you? I know this seems a bit trivial/suspicious but think...there must be some way of getting back in touch with her without inflaming the situation between your mum and sis, which i imagine would happen given what you have said about her paranoia.

But i would bet my last square of chocolate that it will at some point come out that your mum has confided in you. If you have re-established a relationship with her at that point, it may well make her feel like its all been a lie, IYKWIM.

I guess at this stage its a case of damage limitation, but i cant think of anything more helpful right now. Sorry, i need some sleep, but will check tomorrow, to see what the clever mumsnetters say for an update.

You try to get some sleep too, instead of worrying.

Easter is a good idea actually.
I am hoping that is I get in contact she will confide in me what has happened and I don't need to let on that I already knew. I can then offer help.

Oh I don't know, my mum has put me in a difficult situation to be fair but I understand why she dosn't want to risk being pushed out, them kids NEED her right now and it's going to end up a social services matter if she refuses my mum's support.

I'm awake because my son (autistic) is not sleeping well at the moment and if he dosn't sleep then NO-ONE sleeps :)

Yeah, thats the kind of process i was thinking of, re easter/making contact.

I too, can see your mum's pov, but can also understand your desire to just get stuck in to helping your sister. Even if you cant directly help your sister, right now, can you indirectly help her by being as supportive as you can for your mum, in both practical and emotional terms. I.e. cook extra for her when you cook your own meal, keep shopping, washing etc up to date, be ready when she needs an ear/cuppa, etc etc. In time, with the right medical help, your sister may welcome you back into her life.

Although to be honest, it sounds as though, u have your own hands full with your non sleeping ds. My idea of hell Hope you all manage to get some shut eye soon.

Night night.

As the mum of an autustic boy I sympathise OP!

Another option rather than the 'pure coincidence' scenario could be that you 'sussed' something was up because your mum's routine changed/you couldn't get in touch with her. Just a thought.

If your mum thinks its best you stay out of it for the time being, get some carer's support for her, make sure she's got food in, time to eat, etc.

Don't rule out SS help (though I'm biased because I've had good experiences with them). Check out advocacy services in your area and find out what support your sis is getting (hopefully more than drugs).

Make a fuss. Heard a great expression on here recently - 'a squeaky door gets the oil'. That's certainly my experience of mental health services.

Good luck.

As soon as I read the OP I thought 'bipolar'.

By all means go round and offer some help but be aware that it may come across as scary and unwelcome to her. You may be able go let bygones be bygones but she may not due to her illness.

My sister is bipolar and now has medication for it but during her ill stages she would not accept help from me. I come with 'baggage'.

She needs medical intervention and quick.

Are the SS involved? They can be a genuine support and help to your sister and her children need that support now. Please contact them.

OP

"Anyway I want to get in contact with her and basically say leave the past in the past and offer my help"

You mention here that you will say to her the 'past is the past'. I think it would be the right thing to pop in, see how she is and offer help. You will have to take it easy. But I feel you would be placing a 'condition' on the offer by stating that you have forgiven her past indiscretions and on that basis you are there to help.

Better to offer the help unconditionally and then have her provide the olive branch, then go to help and make mention of it and risk having her blow up in your face over discussion of the past.

Just my 2p worth.

When I say ' leave the past in the past' I mean forget everything that has happened and stop arguing. I don't mean it is conditional and just want to help her at this time if she will accept it.

The idea of saying I guessed something was wrong is great as my mum is with her a lot and me and my mum are very close so I would notice a change in her routine.

Social services are involved, they had been involved before all this happened but as of now the best solution they have offered is to take the children into foster care while she gets sorted, she dosn't want this and I think it will make it so much worse if she has nothing left to fight for.

Will be getting in touch today so will post an update letting you know how I get on.

Hi SacreLae, just checking for update,

Hope your contact is accepted well and is the start of things improving in numerous ways.

Will check later for update