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AIBU?

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Original poster

I am in urgent need of advice

71 replies

floweryblue · 19/04/2011 00:08

Just stripped DSS1 bed to make it up for DSS2, found a paper wrap with white powder in it between the mattresses. DSS1 is an admitted cannabis user and has been sent to live with us by his mum to get him away from the drug culture he was getting into. DSS1 is 14, he has already made friends with people much older than him and I have previously found suspicious weed-like material and am convinced I have smelt suspicious smoke in his room.

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ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:24

i think DO call the police. i have unwanted experience of this. if you speak honestly to them they will deal with it in a very scare the stupid teenagers way. there is very little they will do legally if it is a small amount of cocaine or powdered x. if its heroin you are bummed but heroin is usually browny in colour, not white.

Vallhala · 19/04/2011 01:25

As I said, I've no experience and have no right to advise, I'm just trying to think calmly whilst feeling as you may well be feeling.

I can however speak from experience of one who has had cancer and come out the other side. I know how gut-wrenchingly scary it is but I also know how miraculous modern medicine is and how valuable support is. Grab all the help and offers of support you can with both hands, lovey, let others do as many mundane things as possible and accept any offer that might make life easier whilst you and DP concentrate on the important stuff. Don't feel guilty for saying yes please to offers of help... people wouldn't male thenm if they didn't care and didn't mean them.

I pray to whatever god you have or in whatever way you have faith that your DP will soon put his fears and ill health into the past, just as I have,

Val x

ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:26

and if it DOES result in a big big slap on the wrist and prevents it escalating then surely you are in the right. please dont pussyfoot around with this kind of shit. im sure my stepson would agree had he not od'd on heroin last year.

Original poster
floweryblue · 19/04/2011 01:33

I have handed 'suspicious' powder to DSS dad, I would like to hand on to police but I am fairly sure DP would rather flush it or bin it as he thinks that he would be protecting his son.

We have already had a very nice police person round trying to break through DSS skull that his dad could go to prison if DSS brings drugs into our house.

I am in a difficult sitch Exeter, he is not my son but he may become my sole responsibility, I am trying to be a 'responsible' step-parent, DP cannot help being 'the Dad who wasn't there for 12 years'

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ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:36

I really feel your pain, it was my step son too. I hope maybe you will show your DP this - he will NOT be helping if he hides it. It never goes away. It escalates. Hide a bottle of vodka from an alcoholic and he will find a way to get something anyway. Im not saying slate the kid and write him off as a smackhead but sometimes the nicely nicely approach doesnt work. Scare the SHIT out of him and then work at dealing with WHY. it could be as simple as a group of mates are "doing it" and its "cool" or it could be something a bit deeper but hiding it and pretending it isnt happening wont help. Honest x

whatever17 · 19/04/2011 01:39

I think you could prevent him from getting a "record" - which he may well get. You don't want him labelled with this with his fingerprints and DNA on record.

ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:40

YES YOU DO. He hasnt nicked 20p worth of jelly beans from woolies. YOU DO want it to stick. it HAS to or it wont make a damn seconds worth of difference.

Vallhala · 19/04/2011 01:49

I have to agree with Exeter. My Stepbrother went down that road at about 14 too. If Dad had had his way he would have come down hard on him... but stepmother went for the softer approach, Sbrother is now in his 30s, a hardened addict with several criminal records and proson sentences behind him and god knows where now... if he is still alive. He alsp lied, gave false assurances and promises and tore the family apart.

Original poster
floweryblue · 19/04/2011 01:55

Valhalla, the cancer is not too scary at the moment, our best friend had the 'bad' version and she is fine.

I am however terrified about dealing with a junkie teen, who sleeps around, all by his own admission.

The last time the police were at
our house it was to question about a stolen mobile phone. DSS was completely innocent apparently, then I saw his FB update. And DP admitted he dind't believe a word his DS said

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ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:55

as valhalla has said - and i think we are both on the same page here - you cannot afford to be "soft" with this. As she says, she doesn't even know if her ds-brother is alive. I know my stepson isnt. A big fat horrible nasty scare that lasts an entire year is better than twenty years of addiction and a death in a bedsit where nobody knows your name. Its so easy to toss it off as "just kids" but fgs the people we ignore in the subways and in the shop doorways started off at 14 too. (I KNOW that sounds awful but if your DP reads any of this and takes a little bit on board...).

ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 01:57

I apologise if I am missing what has already been posted (i haven't my glasses!), where is the bio mother in this situation?

southofthethames · 19/04/2011 01:59

If have already had the police down, you could ring them up for advice about what you should do if you did find white powdery stuff. I really hope your DP hasn't flushed it/destroyed it- that could be a criminal offence.

Exeter is right - spare the rod, spoil the child and create a hardened addict who could become a dealer 10 years down the road and get you all killed or at best robbed you all of your savings. People have done that for less.

At least right now if he isn't the dealer, the police might put him into a young persons unit or even something with a drug rehab program that could sort him out once and for all. here's the link to Frank the drugs helpline, you could also ring them to see if they have useful advice. www.talktofrank.com/article.aspx?id=116

ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:02

Im so sorry I have found my glasses (dont i sound like my mum) im so sorry to hear that your DP has been diagnosed with cancer. Do you think that perhaps SS is acting out as a result of this? does he know? (im not making excuses as i think you can see from my previous posts!). If mum is willing to be on your side you may have a two sided sword to "attack" with. I really think it would be very foolish to ignore it, although now I see that your DP is dealing with horrible health issues, perhaps if you have a decent relationship with "mum" you could try and attack it head on together.

ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:14

well good luck with this OP, the very best of, and do let us know what happens, any time you want to talk just PM me. all the best x

Original poster
floweryblue · 19/04/2011 02:22

So, should I try to take the packet of powder to the police (if I can get it back I can make another 'packet' easy enough). I know DP will be furious if I bring things to the attention of the authorities. But then they already know about DSS, we have had police out at least 6 times since Feb.

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ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:26

If i was you, then yes i would. BUT i would put some gloves on and keep some of it back. then take what is left to the police yes. You know what, and im sorry, but if it takes YOU to do it then perhaps ten years later it will be YOU they are thanking for saving that boy from ending up smacked up dead on a doorstep outside primark. If you want them to give him a big fright they will. First offences with drugs (and if you say it might have been "a friend" there is little they can do) are generally treated very softly. You can push your reasons (i did) and they will they really WILL scare the crap out of a kid if they have to. please do. x

Original poster
floweryblue · 19/04/2011 02:35

Just tried to call Frank and they were busy

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ExeterisEasy · 19/04/2011 02:39

do try again, and if you do want to talk at any point please PM me and i can email you my wisdom :-) (!) without kidding though, please feel free to PM, im sad i have experience of this but i do, and we are going through it again with the next one of his.

FabbyChic · 19/04/2011 06:49

Who is financing the drug habit? Cocaine is not cheap and the child must be getting the money from somewhere, you need to stop all his money. Not give him anything.

This is your home too and you should refuse to have him in the house if he cannot quell his drug habits, personally I would contact Social Services to see what help is avaialable.

jeckadeck · 19/04/2011 07:21

Don't want to trivialise this and I agree you should call the police and get tough on him and give him a scare. But worth noting that if its white powder its almost certainly one of either cocaine, MDMA powder (ecstasy) or possibly ketamine. While these are all serious drugs which can be dangerous, they are all mainly recreational drugs, as opposed to heroin and crack which are actually physically addictive. That doesn't mean that this is OK and you can ignore it. But thousands, possibly millions of kids experiment with these drugs without going on to become addicts (I know because I was one.) Serious punishment is in order. But try to avoid histrionics about "addiction". Chances are your DSS isn't actually "addicted" in the physical sense, he's just dabbling. If you make it sound like he is just days away from an anonymous death in a dirty bedsit you will make it harder to communicate with him because he will know you don't know what you're talking about. There's quite a big difference between drugs like cocaine and ecstasy which are strong and can be psychologically habit forming but which people rarely need to actually get out of bed, and heroin which is physically addictive. This is where people like Frank come in. But regardless of whether you can get through to them, try to keep calm and grounded in fact when you talk about the drugs with him.

vj32 · 19/04/2011 10:16

Whether the drugs are physically or psychologically addictive, they ruin lives, especially if used at such a young age when the brain is still developing. They can also kill, because you never know what you are buying.

My brother was a teenage drug user - 'recreational' drugs only. He has never had a (legal) job and is still relying on family hand outs in his mid 20s. As a teenager he funded his habit through theft, including stealing from his family.

There are no 'non-serious' drugs.

pingu2209 · 19/04/2011 12:30

I am not sure of the law on this. However, if he is only 14 if the police get involved his record won't be affected for future job prospects? If it isn't affected, I would call the police to show that a) you mean business when you say it is unacceptable and b) it may shock him into realising what he is doing is illegal.

bristolcities · 19/04/2011 12:36

I think it's really important if not more important that he gets help for the cannabis smoking.

Amphetamines like the white powder you have found are likely to be taken much much less regularly and be far less socially acceptable that cannabis.

Both have a horrible effect on the growing brain and cannabis is just as if not more dangerous. Of all of the addicts I have known it has been smoking weed that has done them the most damage.

bristolcities · 19/04/2011 12:40

Oh and there is no point worrying about costs of it etc now because it could just as easily be ketamine (the drug off choice for most young people now) and it is very cheap yet but very damaging despite only being a class c.

If it is ketamine scrap what I said about it being less dangerous that cannabis.

I an tell you some horror story about both if you need any extra info when talking to dss. Calling the police will have very little impact on his drug use apart from making him even less likely to talk to you.

Original poster
floweryblue · 19/04/2011 19:30

Thank you all for your advice, I will re-read and consider it all. DSS told his dad that it was a crushed up penicillin tablet, he believes him as it was his dad's first thought.

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