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AIBU?

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Crap Sex Tips....

21 replies

ChaosTrulyReigns · 18/04/2011 22:20

Fed up with not knowing what to do with seed packets after you have planted them? Make a dangling mobile with them, hang it from the bedroom ceiling, and get your hubby to concentrate on the creation when he wants to, ahem, delay his pleasure. Virginia, Hull.

I always wondered what to do with those colourful little stickers you find on banana bunches.I wonder no more - save them up, then decorate a strawberry plastic box with them covering it entirely so that any contents will be obscured. You can then store your vibrator safely away from prying eyes, and feel pleased that you have once again, performed another planet saving act.
Martha, Kendal.

Always pick up a few individual packs of handwipes when dining out in fast food joints to keep in your handbag. If you ever fancy a bit of alfresco arse action, those wipes will certainly come in handy. Norma, Lickey End.

When out at the pub, always run your hand down the back of the sofa, quite often you can get lucky and find a quid down there. Straight to the lavatories with you, and treat yourself to some condoms for free. I particularly like the flavoured ones. Donald, Minges.

OP posts:
ChaosTrulyReigns · 18/04/2011 22:21

Re-posted from booooring _Chat.

Grin
OP posts:
Rhinestone · 18/04/2011 22:23

Eh?! Is this from Viz?

ChaosTrulyReigns · 18/04/2011 22:24

nope, just bored me.

Grin

Darn, did Viz get there first?

Fluck.

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 18/04/2011 22:25

Viz have a 'Crap Tips' section. Might not be called that but it's something like that!

V funny anyway!

MillsAndDoom · 18/04/2011 22:25

In chat you say?

weedle · 18/04/2011 22:27

'Can't afford expensive lubrication? Spit is free' Rough, Badgers Arse

OmShantiEasterBunny · 18/04/2011 22:30

WTF?
"Rough, Badgers Arse"?
"Normal, Lickey End"?

Are these the people who have dreamt these up and where they're from?

If so, PMSL.

Actually, PMSL at the entire thread! :o

Ninx · 18/04/2011 22:38

I am trying hard to think of a crap sex tip and DH has helpfully said, "we've been together eight years I must have done something really wrong and shite for you to post", bless him.

And that is why we have been together for eight years Grin

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 18/04/2011 22:58

Enjoy Gimp-play but cringe at the prices of Gimp Suits? No worries! Just paint yourself all over in black gloss paint! Shiny, happy people in a jiffy!

Dom, Little Whippington

ChaosTrulyReigns · 19/04/2011 14:34

Excellent Skinit.

Grin
OP posts:
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 19/04/2011 15:04

Why thank you Chaos. Grin

Are you a fan of Dogging but don't have a car? No problem! When the urge to have alfresco sex with an audience takes you by surprise, just pop into your local car dealership and offer to shag a salesman! Smiles all round!

Wamster · 19/04/2011 15:20

Looking for a way to spice up your love life but you and your spouse can't afford the babysitter/ evening out you need for some couple time? Then try this: leave kids with hubby, go out alone, hang around a hotel bar and get a strange man to buy you drinks all night. At the end of the evening, have mad, rampant sex with handsome stranger in the alley way behind the hotel's kitchen. Problem solved!!

cheekeymonkey · 19/04/2011 15:27

Lickey End is about 4 miles from where I live, quite near to Bumblehole Lane which always tickles me Grin

Wamster · 19/04/2011 15:34

There's a place called Lickey End? Thought it was a joke! Dunno why this thread is in AIBU, though, all these tips seem reasonable to me Grin

KurriKurri · 19/04/2011 15:38

Tired of premature ejaculation?, pop a bulldog clip on the end of his penis. Ethel, Melton Mowbray.

Valpollicella · 20/04/2011 00:42

Save a banana skin and then use it to hide your vibrator in, in the freezer!

(let it thaw out a bit before use as frozen fanjes aren't fun to explain)

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 20/04/2011 00:57

This was actually a serious one in a (cosmo or similar) sex tips book that I nicked from mum when I was a teen

Make your own dildo by filling a condom with yoghurt/milk/juice/whatever, tying it up and putting it in the freezer. When ready to use, remove the condom, et voila!

minkypinkpants · 20/04/2011 02:06

lol :o

ChaosTrulyReigns · 22/04/2011 20:34

Well, it's Friday at last, any more Crap Sex Tips??

Grin
OP posts:
cyb · 22/04/2011 20:51

Save valuable pennies by rinsing out used condoms, pegging them on the line and reusing them later on that day

Alternatively fill with red peanuts and lard and dangle from a tree for a handy bird feeder

Whatevs · 22/04/2011 20:53

alfresco arse action sounds fun! Grin

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