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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to tell if he likes me or not....

18 replies

redwiner · 18/04/2011 18:54

Almost 3 years ago my DH was killed in a motorbike accident whilst out with his friend. Since then his friend has to come and see me every week, and we have a really nice evening. We take it in turns to cook dinner, and sometimes go out for a drink or dinner. I already knew him quite well as he had been my husbands friend for a number of years, so it seemed quite natural that he would want to make sure I and my daughter were ok. This has been going on now, as I say, for almost 3 years. He has never made any move towards me, hinted at being interested in me, or anything of that nature but he still always comes round regularly and on birthdays, and especially christmas is very generous to my daughter and I. (eg, for the last 3 xmas's has bought london theatre tickets for the 3 of us costing around £200-best seats etc.) He has never married, has no children, (although he has had several long-term realtionships) and I have come to realise lately that I really do enjoy his company and certainly look forward to seeing him every week. He helps me around the house if I ask (which I don't do very often) and always seems to enjoy being around here.
I think I am beginning to see him as a bit more than 'just a friend' but have no idea if he comes round just out of a sense of duty towards me, or if he simply likes me as a friend, or if he might feel something towards me and doesn't feel able to tell me out of loyalty towards my late husband.
Has anyone got any ideas/suggestions as to what I could/shoud do, or should I leave well alone and just be grateful that I have a lovely man I can rely on occasionally for dinner etc? We are both 46 so neither of us is a spring chicken or unduly naive.
Helpful advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

redwiner · 18/04/2011 18:55

Sorry, forgot to say my daughter is 16 so not a little child, and she really likes this man too and is happy to be around him.

OP posts:

clam · 18/04/2011 19:02

Well, I don't know, but the romantic in me thinks "what a lovely ending to your tale!"
Good luck! You deserve some happiness.

clam · 18/04/2011 19:04

Do you talk? I mean, beyond basics and the weather? Have you ever ventured into the territory of whether he's seeing anyone or would like to, or if he might have liked children etc... you know, gauge his reaction and see where the conversation leads???

tinkgirl · 18/04/2011 19:06

I kinda think that if he likes you, then he would've made a move by now. However, he might be holding back out of respect for your DH. You can either come out and tell him straight and possibly risk losing him althougher OR test the waters a little and see what response you get.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/04/2011 19:07

He sounds like a lovely man and to keep coming round for 3 years is to his credit as not everyone would. I am sorry for your loss by the way but it sounds like you are ready for a new relationship. No idea how to move it on though.

Original poster

redwiner · 18/04/2011 19:11

We have talked, he's quite a private man but I asked him once why he never married, or wouldn't he have liked children and he said he has always been totally faithful to a woman (which knowing him I believe entirely) but simply doesn't want to get married. His last serious relationship failed for just that reason, she wanted a ring and he didn't. They had lived together for several years too. We have lots of mutual friends, he and my hubby used to work together and I still go up to the firm now and chat to everyone, and the impression I get from him is that he would like a partner, but also be free to come and go as he wants-within reason. He is quite heavily into water sports and goes on holiday at least once a year, if not twice, with a single pal. I think he worries a woman would want to put a stop to that. For my part I certainly wouldn't want to stop him doing that, same as going out on his bike. I too enjoy my independance and would not want to account to anyone everytime I left the house.
I don't want to come on strong to him and start dropping hints if it means I will drive him away altogether. Tricky huh?

OP posts:

grovel · 18/04/2011 19:27

I have just consulted Mr grovel (hope you don't mind). Mr g reckons your friend feels the same towards you as you do to him and is "just a good man for not risking a lovely relationship given the back story". His advice (DH's) is to tell the friend that you are beginning to wonder if your relationship is more than just close friendship but not to panic him - leave wriggle room.

Original poster

redwiner · 18/04/2011 19:38

I am more than happy for a man's point of view as I really do want to ask him if it is anything more than just a friendship but I really don't want to frighten him off. Perhaps I could say something like, 'Are you sure you're happy to keep coming round every week, I really like you coming round but don't want you to feel obligated?'. Then depending on what he said I could say something like ' well then if you're at a loose end any other night or at the weekend feel free to give me a call.' Does that sound ok, ask mr g's advice!!

OP posts:

Original poster

redwiner · 18/04/2011 19:42

Or I could just come out and ask if he'd like to come round more/go out often?

OP posts:

tinkgirl · 18/04/2011 19:54

why don't you check out what's happening in your local area and then ask him if he would like to go with you, see where it goes...

Original poster

redwiner · 18/04/2011 20:00

I have done that in the past and he did come with me. But I did arrange it for the day when he would normally have come round anyway, so didn't make it an extra night as I didn't want him to feel pressured. Also he is really good with my daughter and if he knows she has something big on he texts her and wishes her luck or gives advice. This is something I think I really want to do but I really don't want to screw up.

OP posts:

grovel · 18/04/2011 20:03

Mr g thinks you've got it spot on. His take:
1.You sound great.
2.The worst that can happen is an embarrassing week. He must really like seeing you and won't walk away. Because he's a private man he'll just resort to "as is" ASAP if he doesn't want to take it further.
My DH doesn't really want me to post this. He (very reasonably) says we can't know enough from a short thread. But he's a decent "Man's Man" who my girlfriends seem to like as well - so I'll take the risk.

Original poster

redwiner · 18/04/2011 20:20

Thinking about it, each time I have asked him to an event - play at the theatre, ideal home show, etc he has come. He's taken time off work and run me and my daughter about so a reasonable line of thought would be if he didn't actually bit-more-than-like me he wouldn't be happy to do all those things, he'd probably even have found a reason to ease off the every- week dinners. In fact when he was round last week I jokingly asked my daughter where she fancied going on holiday and she said Fiji, to which he replied well if you do go there I'll come with you!
Actually he is off on one of his bloke-holidays at the end of the week so I will wait til he gets back rather than risk him saying no to me, then using the 2 weeks away to think of a reason not to come round again.
Thank you to everyone who replied to me, and grovel-you can tell your hub I am great!! lol. xx

OP posts:

atswimtwolengths · 18/04/2011 20:43

Is there anywhere you fancy going for a weekend? Could you say "I don't suppose you fancy coming with me, do you? It wouldn't be much fun going on my own." Maybe the Edinburgh Festival, something like that? Obviously you'll have to make sure your daughter isn't there too!

Does he feel guilty in any way about the accident, do you think? He sounds a lovely guy, coming round all the time to make sure you're alright. I wondered whether this was from a sense of guilt at first. Even if so, I doubt whether that's the reason he's still there.

Nagoo · 18/04/2011 20:46

Aaaahhh I feel all warm inside.

I like Mr Grovel's advice :)

MaisyMooCow · 18/04/2011 20:54

Use a little white lie, tell him your daughter has said she thinks you would make a lovely couple and then check out the look on his face. I bet he'd turn round and say 'yes, she right' !

I would be tempted to say something before his boy's trip so he has the week to take it in.

atswimtwolengths · 18/04/2011 21:00

Could you say to him one day that you feel you're ready to move on to a new relationship? Then see his face - if he sits you down in front of Guardian Soulmates, with his credit card at the ready, then maybe he's not interested! It might prove an interesting conversation, either way.

grovel · 18/04/2011 22:23

OK, deep breath, Mr g says that a text saying " Have a great time,we can't wait to see you next week" would tell him that his "bloke holiday" is fine by you and that you care about him. Apparently you should not say "Can't wait to hear about it". Not because he's going to do anything inappropriate but because it's his other life which (if all goes well), he'll slowly let go of (to the extent you both want). The we will give him confidence that your DD is OK with everything.
This advice comes with a health warning. Neither DH nor I are experts.

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