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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my 17 yo dd might be a little bit happy that I survived...

14 replies

EttiKetti · 18/04/2011 16:51

major organ failure 3 weeks ago?

Am now home, nowhere near recovered but hopeful for complete recovery eventually.

I have been rewarded by her verbally abusing me, asking for money constantly, a party and some body piercings....then finally a few days ago deciding she is moving out as living here is so awful.

Disappointed doesn't come close. One simple "how are you mum?" would have been nice.

Be gentle, even if IABU, emotionally drained here....

OP posts:

knittedbreast · 18/04/2011 16:54

sounds like she pulled away from you when you got ill to protect herself in case the worst happened. "if i dont care or love her i wont get hurt.

to protect herself, now she probebly feels guilty, or angry and dousnt know how to handle her feelings

gillybean2 · 18/04/2011 16:55

Is that normal behaviour from her? If so maybe she's just trying to get on with things to avoid thinking about what might have happened...?

TurtlesAreRetroRight · 18/04/2011 16:55

I'm really pleased you're on the mend.

Maybe, just maybe this is the only way she can channel her feelings? It's rubbish and she needs a firm talking to but sometimes teen hormones are a bar to expressing any sort of upset.

Or is she usually this stroppy and unfeeling?

Punkatheart · 18/04/2011 16:59

It hurts - I can well understand that. I have lymphoma and have been through a really really bad time with my DD. Apparently (according to counsellor who I was desperate enough to contact) it is often the way teenagers deal with fear and worry, particularly with people they love.

That said, she should be made aware how serious things have been and to be kind.

Horrible experience for you all and I hope that all is well now. Speedy recovery.

Original poster

EttiKetti · 18/04/2011 17:00

Usually V stroppy and unfeeling. LOADS of history, load of therapy/mediation you name it over the past 6 or so years. Even close friends/family who have 100% backed her in the past have now realised that this is how she is and I have to let her do it.

It hurts tho, you know, when my own mum almost died 3 years ago I thought my world would end. My daughter instead wanted to know how quickly I could get her some money into her back account for summer clothing while I was undergoing life saving treatment, visited me once despite siblings/father/Gparents coming daily and cleared off to play house with her latest boyfriend all the time I was away from home.

I need to accept it, but even with the past history, its shocked me and upset me, not sure if that makes sense sorry, brain is MUSH!

OP posts:

knittedbreast · 18/04/2011 17:04

maybe shes so used to being distant from you that she feels it would be disingenuous for her to suddenly come to with flooding emotions. maybe shes been away so long its too hard to come back.
people do odd things to protect themselves, they lie to themselve or act in really exaggerated ways to keep themselves safe.

her behaviour is about her issues with herself, try not to take them personally.
concentrate on getting better, even if she continues like this she will come back to you, probebly aged 21!

Punkatheart · 18/04/2011 17:06

Oh dear. This does sound grim. You poor thing. It clearly goes deeper than teenage angst and actually at 17, she should really know better.

To be honest, she may pull away and leave home - either sorting herself out or not. But you are important now. She is an adult and has to make choices, including the one to be a decent human being.

You are making perfect sense and I am sorry that you have to go through it...

Original poster

EttiKetti · 18/04/2011 17:08

Ach I have read enough and been taught enough by those pesky experts to know this can all be normal. Just trying SO hard to be strong and put on a big brave face when she is still my little girl and it feckin hurts. Think thats the bottom line.

Almost wish she would clear her room and do it properly tbh, think it actually could be the making of us all!

But no, her room looks like a tornado hit it,she is in break from college so has taken literally enough clothing to last days and we are all stuck in limbo wondering when and if she will turn up to terrorise us some more.

I have said it before and doubtless say it again but if she was a partner, she would have beenout of the door years ago! Maybe I should have posted on teens!

thank you, already feel a bit brighter, it got to me a LOT today, too many hours spent thinking!

OP posts:

Original poster

EttiKetti · 18/04/2011 17:11

Punka - hope your relationships is getting there, I feel lucky in that its V early days but NORMALLY I should make a full recovery from all this, its just going to take about a year.....that alone and the sheer hell of being almost completely reliant on everyone even to get to the sodding bathroom, is emotionally difficult without all this. Sheesh they pick their moments dont they!

OP posts:

bullet234 · 18/04/2011 17:12

When I was 10 my dad was in a bad car accident and I felt nothing about it, other than revulsion when I saw his bruises (not out of a feeling of upset that he'd been hurt, just because they looked awful).
I loved my dad, but to be honest I think I just still can't comprehend what happened. My dad had survived, ergo there was no need to worry. Even today sometimes if I think about it I'll think "he could have easily died" and then immediately think "well he didn't" and not worry about it.

helendigestives · 18/04/2011 19:08

I agree - when I was about seventeen my Mum had surgery for gallstones, and I believe my first words to her when she'd got out of hospital were "Oh god, I feel awful, I've got such a bad cold." I had no perspective. None at all.

Northeastgirl · 18/04/2011 20:42

Agree that 17 year olds can be quite self-absorbed. They just don't always think of other people, especially if they're a bit troubled themselves

nannyl · 18/04/2011 21:26

Hey.... when i nearly died aged 16, (was a pedestrian hit by a car travelling at 50mph, spent a month in hospital and it was a week before Drs had decided weather or not they would amputate my leg, 5 operation and a year or so on crutches later they saved it )

it took my mother a WEEK to even visit me (she lived so close to the hospital she could see it out her bedroom window)... when she eventually came, (with my vile step dad) all he did was moan that he had lost his camera, yes he didnt even say how are you or anything.... (my mum did at least ask how i was)

They didnt come cause "they dont like hospitals" and despite the fact that for 24 hours the doctors expected me to die, she didnt want to see me with tubes and machines in me.....

OP hope you feel better soon. XXX

WMDinthekitchen · 18/04/2011 21:49

Etti, on the surface your daughter is immature and thoughtless. As others have said, she may be so frightened and unable to deal with your illness that she has withdrawn. She is not thinking that the situation is much more difficult for you, that you need support and that there is any possibility of her setting her own feelings aside. So it is with teenagers. They may appear to be having a ball but in reality finding life very difficult. Hope you make a full recovery. Try to be patient.

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