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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have to cancel, don't I?

45 replies

krepsly · 18/04/2011 08:34

I arranged to go see a band play with a friend in May. She bought the tickets.

Then I agreed to DS being involved in the foreign exchange. This means a 14 year old German lad is due to arrive with us the night I'm due to go and see this band.

I would be leaving at around 5pm and not getting home until around midnight.

My friend said I should leave him and DS on their own (I do often leave DS) as they're old enough and we won't be gone all night. But it's his first night here, how bad would it look for him to arrive and then me say "see ya later kids, I'm off out until midnight!"

I'm going to have to cancel the band, arnt I? She's going to be pissed off because the band was arranged first. But I thought DS should come first with this. AIBU?

OP posts:

Animation · 18/04/2011 09:34

Yes, what's the band?

NonnoMum · 18/04/2011 09:35

If you do leave them, the teacher in charge of the cultural exchange will probably be around at yours first thing in the morning, asking a few questions.

Don't be afraid of your friend's reaction - if she is a true friend she will understand...

Animation · 18/04/2011 09:35

Is it Arcade Fire?

penguin73 · 18/04/2011 09:37

I think for the first night some adult support is needed for both your son and your guest - having done exchanges as both a child and now run them as a teacher they can be really daunting, particularly if it is the first part of the exchange and you haven't met before. The first night is also important in terms of all getting to know each other, bonding etc. As others have said if this were the other way round and your son was going to a stranger's house in a foreign country would you be happy for him to be without adult support for 7 hours on his first night? You've already said that you wouldn't be happy - as you don't know the boy's parent(s) you have to make the same assumption about them.

Goblinchild · 18/04/2011 09:41

have any of you had exchange students before? He's likely to be nervous and knackered on his first night and want nothing more than food, shower and bed, with some contact with home.
I can't believe you are having this debate TBH.

WideWebWitch · 18/04/2011 09:46

Agree with the consensus, you should cancel the gig IMO

Goblinchild · 18/04/2011 09:48

In fact, think of your son.
If you don't take care of the exchange student and your son plans on having a return trip...he could spend his week living on boiled potatoes and being woken up at 6am for a cold shower and a run.
Just a thought.

goodegg · 18/04/2011 09:49

I think you should definitely look into asking another host family to look after them for the evening before cancelling - you could return the favour later - it won't look like you're being slack at all, and will give them more socialising opportunity.

IloveJudgeJudy · 18/04/2011 09:57

goodegg, I completely disagree. I've done a few exchanges myself and I would not have liked to have gone to another family, especially for the first night. It's not what I would have signed up for. You can do the socialising thing another time. Also, you cannot leave someone you are in loco parentis for, from 5-11 pm. You are meant to treat the exchange child like you would want your child to be treated in the other country.

Completely agree with Goblinchild.

superv1xen · 18/04/2011 10:03

whats band is it? o

muminthemiddle · 18/04/2011 10:58

Can you swap your tickets for another night?

I don't think you can go out on the first night.

Collision · 18/04/2011 11:00

Where in the country are you? If you are near me I will watch the boys for you.

Goblinchild · 18/04/2011 11:03

Oh yes, please trust your child and the child of a parent who has trusted you to a random stranger on the internet.
OP, why not run your problem past the organiser of the exchange and see what they have to say about your dilemma?

Collision · 18/04/2011 12:17

Ackshully Goblin, some Mumsnetters are lovely and kind and want to be helpful and many threads testify to that!

I didnt mean I would turn up on the night and look after the boys........I would obviously show her that I was honest and trustworthy andforgetIwasbangedupforchildsacrifices10yearsago and show her my CRB Certificate!!!!!

Dont be so suspicious of a random act of kindness.

Goblinchild · 18/04/2011 12:23

Beware of Strangers On The Internet. Isn't your first meeting supposed to be in the day time in a public place?

This thread is really putting the dangers of exchanges in other countries into perspective though.
It's not as if the lad can phone his mum and say 'I'm in a strange country and I'm very worried, there are no parents around and I can't communicate well. COME AND GET ME' if she's a thousand miles away.

GrendelsMum · 18/04/2011 13:58

Oh, if they're only 12, I think you have to stay.

I imagined that they were 15 or so and would be perfectly happy with a pizza and a film with another host family.

Goblinchild · 18/04/2011 14:03

12 and 14?

I remember stretching my French to the limit when I had my exchange partner back and had to try and explain to the little bit of fluff that I had a lover my parents didn't know about but that my friends did and I'd kill her if she told on me. I was 16, she was 15.

Who knows what might happen?

Onetoomanycornettos · 18/04/2011 14:29

Even if they were both 14, that's not so very old to turn up in a strange country on your own. You are supposed to be welcoming him to stay with the family (it's hardly a B and B arrangement), so the family have to be there to welcome him, show him where everything is, make some tea, chat as much as his English allows, let them use the phone to call parents and so on. It's also way too much responsibility for your 12 year old to entertain him all evening, they may hardly speak the same language.

Let your friend know now, see if you can resell the ticket, if not you are obliged to cough up I think.

upahill · 18/04/2011 19:47

I reserve judgegment until I know whisch band it is!!

Northeastgirl · 18/04/2011 20:47

I think you should pay for your ticket and let your friend take someone else. You should be at home with your son and his exchange student, but it's not fair to expect your friend to try to persuade someone else to pay to see a band that may not be of their choice. Far easier if she has a free ticket to give away

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