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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel uncomfortable about FIL giving us money

24 replies

Dancergirl · 17/04/2011 23:39

Dh's dad has always been v practical about money. He's always worked hard and saved and invested over the years. He and my MIL are quite comfortably off. They now have 5 grandchildren (our 3 dds and SIL's 2 dss).

FIL has given both dh and my SIL money over the years to help them buy houses and to invest. This is money he's happy to give and will help with inheritance tax. He now gives us money as and when mainly to invest for our dds.

But I can't help feeling uncomfortable about it. Dh has a good job and I feel we should be independent from our parents. Of course I'm grateful to my FIL and appreciate the nice house we live in but I would have been more than happy with a small house or flat when we got married.

Dh says that his dad is just being practical and if he can afford to make provision for his grandchildren why shouldn't he? I grew up with v little family so don't know if this is common practice or not. Is it?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 17/04/2011 23:42

It is common for some, it is more practical for inheritance tax purposes to do it this way. And as it is for your childrens future I don't see a problem with it, at some point you migh wish to buy him a thank you gift for all he does.

squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 23:42

It is quite common these days, particularly to avoid inheritance taxes.

If his dad is doing this out of choice and generosity, then be thankful. He would probably rather see you enjoying the money, than watch you struggle, knowing that you would only benefit on his death.

reddaisy · 17/04/2011 23:43

DP's parents send us cheques for usually around £500 twice a year to "help out" even though we manage just about ourselves. We always accept and thank them! Our in-laws can certainly afford it too and DP's brother who is very, very comfortable accepts the same.

I think if they can afford it then you should accept it and put it in an account for uni/deposit/car for when your DCs are older.

foxinthewoods · 17/04/2011 23:46

I'm jealous! Wish I had someone to help out.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 17/04/2011 23:47

Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate it....but part of the reason I feel uncomfortable is that my FIL has v little time for our dds. When we go there he barely stops what he's doing to talk to them. I would love him to be more hands on. And I can't help wishing he would spend a bit more time and a bit less money on them. Dh says that's just the way he is but his heart's in the right place. I just feel sad because he's our dds' only grandfather (my own dad died many years ago) and I thought they would have a close relationship with him.

OP posts:

Punkatheart · 17/04/2011 23:48

My mother is always giving me cheques and I rip them up. It is not as if we couldn't do with the money but we have the capacity to earn, she lives on very little. So to save her feelings - I do that.

reddaisy · 17/04/2011 23:50

Maybe the money is his way of showing he cares? Some people just aren't interested in children, even if they are related to them so try not to take it personally. (Believe me, I know this is hard!).

troisgarcons · 17/04/2011 23:50

Well lets be real - you'll be spending
it when he's dead - let him see you spending it now

glitteryturd · 17/04/2011 23:50

My in-laws are always giving us money and to be honest, there have been times we couldn't have lived without it. They even paid the deposit on our family home. They are not rich, just comfortable but they want to help out. I don't have parents so it has been nice to find in-laws that want to give (even if they do annoy me but as in-laws this is their right lol)

But when we are their age I would like to think I can help my daughter out with her family and I will be giving as much as I can to make sure she doesn't have to worry about money.

Take the money and be thankful. Things could be a lot worse!

CarnivalBizarre · 17/04/2011 23:56

My in-laws have been wonderfully generous since my DH was laid off last year, we have never asked for financial help but their philosophy is that 'you can't take it with you when you go/there are no pockets in shrouds' and they would prefer us to have the money now rather than when they are gone and we are very grateful for the help

I would just accept the money and thank them for their gift :)

MollysChambers · 17/04/2011 23:56

My in-laws have been very generous over the years. I understand how you feel.

However, if they can afford it and your DH is okay with it then I think, really, it's between them.

Fast forward 30 years - if you had money that you wanted to pass on to your kids would you not feel it was your right to do that?

reddaisy · 17/04/2011 23:57

One thing I have to be careful of is I never want them to think I am hinting that I want money from them. That side of the handouts the in-laws give us makes me uncomfortable.

For example, I have been having car problems and mentioned them to FIL and then he started asking questions about how much it would cost etc and I didn't want him to think I was asking for the money, I was just complaining that a car I had only just bought second hand needed to go back to the garage so I changed the subject.

Iwantscallops · 18/04/2011 00:04

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Accept the money graciously and if you are uncomfortable with it, put it in a savings account. It may come in handy for a rainy day. If that rainy day never arrives (hopefully it won't), then give it to your DC's when they are older.

You will just have to accept that is the way your FIL is.

everthebeliver · 18/04/2011 00:07

I am one of five siblings and my dad has given us various amounts over the years. About ten years ago he gave us all about £10k in BT shares and then again very recently gave us all £25k each when he sold his house. He is still left with a very comfortable amount to live on.

The reason I do not feel uncomfortable with this is that my mum died a very gruesome death over about four days and he played a major part in it over a long time. (not going into it because it is done)

We are now in a situation of "what goes around comes around" and if he wants to help us all (and financially is in the right place to do it) then we accept the "gift" from him.

I will say that not one of us have ever asked him for anything, we have all made our own way in life.

If the gifts are made willingly then accept them and make your life a little easier.
:)

cat64 · 18/04/2011 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 18/04/2011 01:16

Easy to say you would have been happy in a small flat if you're living in a nice house. You took it, you spent it, and now you feel uncomfortable? Bit late isn't it?

sausagesandmarmelade · 18/04/2011 07:18

More and more people are doing this...giving money when they are alive rather than leaving it all as an inheritance for when they die...and risking the Govt getting their mits on it.

It makes good sense...and I'm sure he wouldn't be giving more than he can afford to.

Don't offend him or deprive him of the pleasure of giving...

exoticfruits · 18/04/2011 07:23

It sounds lovely to me. Surely he would rather enjoy seeing you spend it than after he is dead?

discobeaver · 18/04/2011 09:11

If you feel uncomfortable about it, just send the cash to me!
I could do with some outlaws like yours!

corygal · 18/04/2011 09:27

I say take it and enjoy. It could well be your FILs way of shyly showing how much he cares. Whatever your personal feelings, your DCs are presumably meant to be the recipients for this too - don't deny them a bit of fun.

If you still wince at cashing the cheques, however, invest it for the kids.

nijinsky · 18/04/2011 11:12

I'd rather be indpendent and it would make me feel awkward. Theres no reason why an adult shouldn't be indpendent anyway. Its far more fun managing your way through life on your own and the results are far more satisfying. I'd also hate that sort of "ownership" thing that sometimes comes with inlaws and giving money. That said, DP's parents are prone to being rude and obnoxious, and do the "ownership" thing (although they haven't given us any money), so perhaps my views are coloured by this!

diddl · 18/04/2011 11:17

Well tbh it´s not all about you, is it?

Due to ILs generosity, you all have a better lifestyle than you would otherwise.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 18/04/2011 11:29

My father has given us huge amounts for deposits on our house, both cars that we own are through him and he paid last year for our house to be renovated. We would never in a million years be able to afford any of that and he has said countless times that he would much rather we had the money now when we really need it than struggle for years and get it later.

Any awkwardness depends entirely on your relationship with the people in question surely. As my brother points out, he wouldn't do it if he couldn't afford it or didn't want to. The hardest part is thanking them because I genuinely don't know how to let them know how much we appreciate it. Thank you doesn't seem enough.

sausagesandmarmelade · 18/04/2011 11:35

I don't think it's anything to do with being independent but your FIL wanting to do something constructive with his money, while he is alive.

Your DH's father has a right to give his Son money...
As his wife, you will also benefit from that. I think your feelings are rather mis-placed.

If it were your own parents you could ask them not to give you anything...but it's not.

Of course you will be able (with your DHs agreement) to do whatever you want with your own money...you could choose to give it all to charity..but MOST parents (I would have thought) would want their children to benefit in some way. That's only natural isn't it?

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