AIBU to make an excuse to avoid going to my friend's wedding?

[ILoveTheSunToo]

I have known my friend for about 17 years. We haven't always seen each other that often, living across town from each other, However I've met all but one of her boyfriends as we've both made the effort to get together for dinner etc.

When I found out I was pregnant 4 years ago I invited her over to dinner to tell her. We also decided to ask her to be a godparent as she had been someone I had known for a long time, with similar values to us etc. Again we asked her personally. Our expectations of godparents wasn't necessarily someone who would look after our children in the event of something terrible happening to either me or DH, but definitely someone who could be there to guide them, and also as a way of saying 'thanks for being a good friend'.

As they've grown older her visits have become more and more sparse, but then I have been also less attentive of many friends (what with having two who only started sleeping through the night when they were 3yrs!). She came to their 3rd birthday gathering in May, and a month later told me that she had met a new man who she was now living with. I was shocked as usually she would tell me updates along the way. I called her over Christmas and left voice mails; she didn't call back but I got a generic 'seasons greetings' text sent to her contacts list. She didn't see our kids, she didn't even send them a card, but by this stage they have no real clue as to who she is.

So I was shocked to say the least when she emailed me at work in January to tell me that she was getting married; that all of the wedding details had been finalised and that she looked forward to introducing me to her fiancé at the wedding. I was so hurt a)to be told by email, b)to have not been involved in the wedding planning and c) if I'm honest to be playing no part in her wedding at all. I've heard every detail of the crap stuff in her life, it would have been nice to have been involved in the happy ending too.

I've decided against having it out with her, and so when we met up recently (my suggestion) I just played it cool. The only thing she said in defence of her actions was that she had wanted to tell me personally but as I did not go out with her when invited (I was too knackered) she had no choice but to email. I have mixed feelings about going to the wedding and feel damned if I do/damned if I don't. It will seriously be like seeing a stranger getting married, rather than one of my oldest friends. On the hand not going may send a bit of a clearer message about how really hurt I am by all of this.

Lots more info I could add, but would be grateful for opinions on whether I should go or not.

Sometimes people meet other people and their lives move on, hers has whilst yours has stayed the same.

Why not go?

Yes, I think you should go. Friendships really shift and change in the aftermath of having children: some survive, some don't. It does sound as though the neglect was mutual. Though you have excellent reasons for not being attentive (all sympathies on the sleep deprivation) she probably thinks hers are just as valid.

If you think it would be constructive, you could talk to her about how you are feeling, and see if you can find a way forward together. Otherwise, I think you should seriously try not to spoil her special day by boycotting it. Go, keep calm, see if you can find a way to rebuild a relationship - maybe not as close as you used to be, but well worth having.

Well it will make a very harsh (and unretractable) statement if you don't go.

Just go and don't have a face on you. Enjoy it. You'll look like a spoilt cock if you don't go.

People move on in live as fabby says.. you are probably busy with your children, she is busy with her new man. Go to the wedding, there is absolutely no reason to boycott it.

I'd say that basically your lives have become very different and you've drifted apart a bit. I think it's difficult for those who don't have children to realise just what it's like, and how hard it is to be able to go out etc.

I expect she's been so wrapped up in her new man that she hasn't had time to keep in touch (maybe with other friends either).

I would go and try to keep things friendly. I had a friend like this who, once she had her own children was far more understanding of my situation and our relationship is pretty much back on track.

As Hester said, friendships shift and change. You've gone through a phase in your friendship where your lives have moved in different directions. You may well find that once she's married and perhaps has a child she will become closer again.

I have a friend of 15 yrs and similar happened to us. We're close again now but at one time we hardly saw each other for two years. When we met again it was like old times and as though we had never been apart at all.

You should definitely go to the wedding and meet her new man. It's an important time in her life and she would really like to share it with you.

Your lives are at different places and moving at different paces to how they were when you met 17 years ago. Of course they are! Nothing stays the same for nearly 2 decades. You've had different priorities, that's all. You and your friend still have "history". It is very difficult for someone who is single and chidless to appreciate the lifestyles, stresses and drivers of a married mum. Also very easy for a married mum to forget how easy and transient a single lifestyle can be.

Go, you will regret it if not. Very final and a little harsh not to go.

She invited you out, but you were too knackered to go... now you're hurt because she has made all her wedding arrangements without your input? Perhaps she considered that you were too tired/too busy with your DCs to help?

Another vote for You Should Go, be glad that she's still in touch and wants you there.

I guess not going will be the final nail in the friendship coffin. I'm still brooding but I'll take all your comments on board!! Thanks for all your input guys - much appreciated.

YABU - very petty not to go IMO. Lives move on - it happens. I introduced a former best friend of mine tomy DH and DS for the first time last summer when I also met her fiance for the first time. I wouldn't dream of boycotting the wedding. Petty.

genuine question: why on earth would anyone expect to be involved in planning their friend's wedding? Isn't that the job of the bride, groom and (possibly) their families?

You admit that you have been less attentive towards your friends as you have been wrapped up in two non-sleeping children. And you didn't go out "because you were too tired" which isn't the best reason really.

If I were her I would have assumed that YOU were drifting apart. Huge things have happened in her life and you didn't even know - friendship is a two way thing and it is not her job to keep you updated. She could be forgiven for feeling sad that you show no interest in her, but instead she obviously still values your friendship and has invited you to her wedding.

Incredibly self centred to make this about poor you. Be gracious, be pleased for her, go and wish her well. And if her friendship is so important to you, make a resolution to pout some effort in to revive it. She might have children soon and you and she will have some practical common ground again. Enjoy that. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

You sound a bit spoilt and precious about it tbh, not wanting to go because you havent seen her in a while and she hasnt told you face to face?