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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

fuming mad!!!!!!! aibu?????????

53 replies

fumingmad · 16/04/2011 16:17

i am fuming!!!!!!!!!
i am 8 months pg and have been slaving away all day making dh a lovely birthday meal
he comes in an hour late -no explination-then procedes to inform me that he is off out with the boys tonight!!!!!! i kick up a fuss then he tells me its been aranged for weeks and that he had told me!!!!!!
No he bloody well did not!!!!!!!!
all i want is a quiet meal and spend theevening with my dh. is this too much to ask????aibu????

OP posts:
jeckadeck · 16/04/2011 17:05

I guess looking at it in the cold light of day it depends on whether he really did tell you you or not -- is there any way you can have forgotten? If he really really didn't tell you its bang out of order and incredibly insensitive. Was he like "oh god, how awful, there's been a mix-up, this is my night out with the boys?" or was he just blase and unapologetic? Even if he did tell you, frankly, he's insensitive. If you're heavily PG he shouldn't be arriving back an hour late, period. And if you generally do birthdays together its weird that he didn't think to reinforce to you that he was doing something exceptional before, in case of your forgetting... But you are certainly NBU and I'd be fit to be tied in your shoes.

Rev084 · 16/04/2011 17:10

I agree with wobblyweeble, do some pretend contractions just to put the willys up him.

After he's gone, have a good pamper, put your feet up and eat your nice food. If available, find mum, sister, friend to phone and moan to. I'm 8month pg too, I really understand, just getting off the sofa is an effort at this stage. Take a deep breath, his actions are not worth you being upset... use the opportunity to have some 'me time'. Under no circumstances should you save him any food or be awake when he gets home.

TidyDancer · 16/04/2011 17:13

See, I suspect he really does think he told you about this night out. It's that, or he knows he's going to catch hell for wanting to go out for his birthday and he's out and out lying now. Only you know which is likely to be the truth. If it's the latter, he's being a bit of an arse, but neither should he be worried about coming to tell you he wants to go out.

If you didn't tell him you were making the meal, perhaps he just didn't want you to go to trouble (you being eight months pregnant) so made alternative plans (which he thinks he told you about).

Whether or not he is actually unreasonable hinges on whether he specifically knew you were cooking for him, and whether he truly believes he told you he wanted to go out.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong per se, just that you have different perspectives on this.

albania · 16/04/2011 17:15

What LOTM said :o

Portoeufino · 16/04/2011 17:16

Didn't you check with him? If I was shopping and cooking for a special meal, I would have asked to make sure that nothing was planned and that he was expecting to be in......A simple, short conversation this morning would have avoided all this....

Portoeufino · 16/04/2011 17:17

Oh ignore the fecking punctuation - I hate the smugness that comes from people picking holes in posts.

Original poster
fumingmad · 16/04/2011 17:21

thanks everyone. mabye i am being unreasonable, it's his birthday after all

i didnt think that me cooking would be a problem tbh, we aways spend birthdays etc together. maybe a bit presumptious on my part?

i know that he didnt tell me, i would have remembered as we have been together 4 years and have always spent occasions together.
he is asking why so im worked up about it all. he genuinely doesnt get it. i think its his whole ignornance to my and persistance that i knew.

OP posts:
crystalglasses · 16/04/2011 17:21

Hang a day by day calender up in the kitchen and both of you religiously enter all appointments and events so that you can both see who is doing what. It's a good habit to get into esecially once you have dc and there's no excuse for forgetting to tell aech other your plans.

Original poster
fumingmad · 16/04/2011 17:23

btw sorry for punctuation and spelling. i am fuming dont you know?? Grin

OP posts:
MaisyMooCow · 16/04/2011 17:24

OP, is he a football fan ? With Man Utd playing today there's going to be a good vibe in the pubs and clubs and maybe he wants to be part of it. You know what guys are like when it comes to footy !!!

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 16/04/2011 17:32

Don't worry about the spelling and/or punctuation. Only arses get in a state about that on AIBU - they have their very own corner to play in (Pedants corner).

I would be fuming too. If you always do this on your birthday's and other occasions then you shouldn't have to put it on a calendar, have a discussion about it or anything else.

I'm bloody sure he didn't tell you that he'd be going out on his birthday as I am sure, pregnant or not, you would have remembered. Is it possible he said he was going out 'next Saturday' a week or so ago and you thought fine, I'll put my feet up - not connecting it to his birthday nor caring he was going out with the boys??

Anyway, even if that's the case he's still being an utter arse in the way he's treating you/talking to you now - it's clear you have gone to a lot of effort, the very bloody least he could have done was given you a big hug and apologised for the misunderstanding, had dinner with you and gone out with the lads after.

GiT.

Spangers · 16/04/2011 17:34

Can you invite a friend/mum/sibling over instead? Have your lovely meal in with some company to enjoy yourself too.

Sparkletastic · 16/04/2011 17:36

Deffo get a friend over. And leave the washing up for DP Wink

microfight · 16/04/2011 17:41

Are you invited out with him? If not then it doesn't bode well for your future. I would go out to a friends too or invite friends round.

jojowest · 16/04/2011 17:43

could he not eat the meal with you, then go out later

Original poster
fumingmad · 16/04/2011 17:51

he is away out now, its a lads night out hence why i am not invited, i was a lady last time i looked!

he still cant believe how much of a fuss i made over it, AND he didnt even say "oh well thanks for the effort" or anything, dont even think he noticed what i had made

he will be hungry tonight when he comes in pissed though, not much in to eat
and going a big shop tomorrow wont be much fun with a hangover
Grin

i have calmed down now. just annoyed

OP posts:
springydaffs · 16/04/2011 17:56

aw I think that's mean of him when it was obvious you had gone to so much trouble. Like someone said, if he was genuinely apologetic then that would be one thing but if he was 'like it or lump it', that's not very nice.

oh and btw !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and

????????????????????

(all fine by me Wink)

DramaInPyjamas · 16/04/2011 18:07

When's your birthday OP? After the baby arrives?
Organise a big girly night out and leave him at home.

nulliusxinxverbax · 16/04/2011 18:32

This is classic man tactic, of making row shorter, or stopping it by making you feel like you are going mad / forgetting / BU.

Man wants to go out. Knows that for whatever reason, OH will be pissed.

So leaves it till last minute then says "I told you".

He blatently didnt tell you.....because he thought you would say "dont go out, Im 8 m pg, its our last B'day together before new baby, but Im cooking you a meal" ect ect.

Whether you would say that or not is irrelevant. He suspected it may happen, so used this classic man trick. I see it nealy every weekend With my mom's OH. Every time he says he told her, He didnt.

JesusMcCheese · 16/04/2011 18:37

Gaslighting. Classic sign.

NorthernGobshite · 16/04/2011 18:47

My dd often spends his birthday night out on lash with his friends, but we do family stuff during the day. BUT its prearranged, and not at expense of something else planned. So YANBU.

RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2011 18:51

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RumourOfAHurricane · 16/04/2011 18:52

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PinotGrigioBlush · 16/04/2011 18:54

What shine said.

MooMooFarm · 16/04/2011 18:55

YANBU - If you've always spent birthdays together it was fair for you to assume you'd also be doing so this year. And I think for that reason you would remember if he had 'mentioned' it before...

I would be tempted to send him a little text a bit later saying 'hope yr having a good night - had a couple of twinges just now but hopefully nothing happening...'

But that's just me Grin

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