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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect aunts and uncles to be involved - or at least communicate

17 replies

EightToSixer · 15/04/2011 19:35

I am furious - I wonder whether I have reason to be, or whether I am being unreasonable.

Last year - Neice's 5th birthday (you know the crazy party year with the whole reception class invited). I was very busy with 2 DCs and studying hard for my masters. SIL facebooked messaged DH, me, DBIL and DSIL to ask for help with her DD's party. We were busy, but as there was plenty of notice, we drove the 120 miles and I spent 2 hours facepainting wriggly kids to give a hand. DBIL and DSIL also went and helped out. Family pulling together and spending time with neices and nephews.

This year - DS's 5th birthday. 2 months ago I sent a facebook message asking DBILs and DSILs if they'd be able to come and help, if they wanted to come and enjoy the day etc. Not one reply - from all four of them!!! DH saw one DB a fortnight ago and asked if they were coming outright and he said "No. I haven't replied sorry". Other DB and DSIL said "yes, we'll come down by train and get someone to look after dog for the day".

Party is tomorrow. Still no official response from 1st set of in-laws. Second set send text saying "did you not get text earlier (I have no issue with my phone -same number) we are not coming. No one to look after dog and have to work the next day".

Am I being unreasonable to think that

if someone sends a message to ask something that you respond.
That you make some effort if you've depended on people the same way they year before when they've been busier than you are (DBIL-SIL set 1).
That "working the next day and no dog sitter" sent by text the night before is an acceptable way to communicate with your family?

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 15/04/2011 19:37

Why didn't you phone them instead of facebook messaging them?

BeerTricksPotter · 15/04/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngryGnome · 15/04/2011 19:44

YABU.

It seems a bit pot/kettle to criticise others for poor communication when you could have phoned people to invite them rather than rely on facebook.

Original poster

EightToSixer · 15/04/2011 20:16

AngryGnome - contacted them in exactly the same way they contacted me when they wanted my help last year - a group facebook message so we could all talk to each other about help needed, whether we could bring anything etc etc. worked last year for her, why not do it this year?

OP posts:

G1nger · 15/04/2011 20:19

Facebook's a great way to create arguments out of nothing with people. I've unfriended my sister on Facebook because we kept finding it led us to bicker about things.

But no, YANBU.

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 20:22

Do any of your family actually talk to each other or am I being horribly old fashioned?

AngryGnome · 15/04/2011 20:27

There are so many threads on here all about arguments caused by misunderstandings due to facebook.

According to your OP, you facebooked them 2 months prior to the party, and only got a response a fortnight before when DH saw one DB. If you were trying to plan a party did it genuinely never occur to you once in the intervening 6 weeks to give them a quick call to check if they could come or not?

Original poster

EightToSixer · 15/04/2011 20:27

worraliberty - well, DH's brothers (it is them and their wives that are topic of this thread) are notoriously bad at communicating with each other - but we've always done birthdays, christmases, talked about important things before - between the sister-in-laws.

Weirdly, my friends where we live now (we've moved 120 miles away from family) all think it's very strange that we don't all do childcare for each other, help out, visit regularly etc because they are very involved with their families.
My point is (which I see now I am seething a little less) is that I can understand if people can't be involved, but I still expect them to communicate that with us. Especially given that other nephews and neices have all had this help before on their 5th birthday parties.

OP posts:

Original poster

EightToSixer · 15/04/2011 20:29

angrygnome - no, it didn't - I assumed that they were trying to work out whether they were away for the easter holidays and as I knew DB would be seeing them 2 weeks before that he could check up with them then.
Neither couple every answer their landine and I was expecting them to get back to me.

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 15/04/2011 20:31

TBH, facebook isn't polite etiquette... if you want a favour, use the phone OR better! write a letter, that would be novel in this day and age

I can't abide my nephew and I'd have had to be dragged over hot coals to have anything to do with him ...

But that's families for you!

AngryGnome · 15/04/2011 20:31

worraliberty - would you like to join me in my luddite corner?

Hope you enjoy this!

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 20:33

Jeez all you had to do was phone them up!

I do understand what you're saying but by being stubborn, you made a rod for your own back I'm afraid.

chocadoodle · 15/04/2011 20:33

YABU to expect them to help - just because you did it for them does not mean they have to return the favour. Although yes, it would be nice if they did.

YANBU to expect them to communicate - you invited them to a party and they haven't had the good manners to respond either way which is just rude.

That's the problem with facebook and such like unfortunately. People put off responding and then forget. Your DS's party is important to you but they've probably been wrapped up in their own lives and not thought all that much about it. A phone call before now might have given them a nudge.

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 20:35

AngryGnome That's hilarious!

AngryGnome · 15/04/2011 20:37

Sorry, i still think YABU for not speaking to people. they don't answer their landlines, presumably you could call their mobiles? ?You just can't criticise people for not communicating when you are guilty of the same.

I completely agree that fb has its uses - we live a hundred miles or so from our families, and tbh it is a great way to share news and photos etc. But it could never be the ONLY way to communicate with people!

Aside from all of this though, I hope your DS has a good birthday party tomorrow

AngryGnome · 15/04/2011 20:38

I LOVE the onion!

GloriaSmut · 15/04/2011 20:40

I can see it is annoying not to get some sort of reciprocal assistance with your ds's 5th birthday but why use Facebook as the preferred method of communication? Just because your SIL has failed to clutter her head with any knowledge of polite etiquette doesn't mean you have to copy her. Speak to people, ffs. If you live too far away for a face to face conversation you could always try that wonder of modern telecommunication, the telephone.

Also, I'm afraid to say that life rarely works so neatly in terms of one good turn deserving another so I'd not waste valuable unreasonability on this one.

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