Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To feel a bit sad that my parents aren't coming to DS2's first birthday party?

23 replies

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 11:50

My parents live a two hour drive away from us. My Mum suffers from MS, and so finds it more difficult to visit us than for us to visit her (she has a stairlift, special toilet seat with handles, special chair for the dinner table, etc at home). So invariably we visit them for the day, which we are normally more than happy to do. We try to stay for no more than 3 hours over lunchtime, because much as she loves our boys she gets tired very easily.

My Dad is in reasonable physical health, and does all of the cooking, shopping, driving, etc.

My parents haven't come to any of the boys' birthday celebrations, or come to see us at Christmas, or visited us to mark any of the usual special occasions in family life.

It's DS2's first birthday party this weekend. DP's family are coming, including his sister, who is a nun and has to request special permission to leave her convent. They understand that although all DS2 will want to is eat the sparkly wrapping paper, it's a milestone for us too.

I would be fine with all of this except that over the past year, Mum and Dad have had a holiday to the Maldives, a driving holiday around Scotland and two holidays to the Algarve. So a part of me does feel that if Mum can manage all of those trips, is it really too much to ask that she and Dad come to ours once or twice a year?

I know it doesn't really matter in the general scheme of things, but the contrast between the effort that DP's family make and the effort that my family make, makes me feel sad (my DB hasn't even come to meet DS2, or seen DS1 since his first birthday, but that's another thread).

DP and I are getting married this summer, in a very small civil ceremony, and none of my family have told us whether they're coming yet. I have a feeling that they won't.

AIBU?

OP posts:

ddubsgirl · 15/04/2011 11:54

it does hurt i have given up on my family being bothered with my kids,in laws make up for it and love them and want to spend time with them.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 12:00

Hi ddubsgirl. Thanks for your reply. I don't want to give you the wrong idea about my folks - I'm absolutely certain that the love the DSs very much and always remember birthdays and such. I just wish that once in a blue moon they would come to visit us, given that they can get away on holiday.

OP posts:

ddubsgirl · 15/04/2011 12:02

i dont doubt they do love them but hurts when they dont make the effort,as you said you go th them all the time but they never come to see you yet can go away on holidays.

kaj32 · 15/04/2011 12:08

It is sad and if they can manage holidays they can manage a visit to you. Think you'll be disappointed though.

We live 2 hours by car or 2.5 hours by train from our family. They've all been invited for dd's first birthday and am getting excuses already. My sil doesn't like driving that far with her children (aged 10 and 13). My parents don't like to leave their dog for too long. Excuses are followed with but you could drive to us, that would be easier. I've put my foot down and told them they either come to us or miss dd's birthday. Oh and no we aren't coming up for bank holidays so you can just give her presents then. Grrr

Sorry for the rant just wanted you to know that you aren't the only one with a rubbish family.

harassedinherpants · 15/04/2011 12:16

I have similar, but my parents only live 5 mins away.

They've never really spent any time in my home and I've no idea why. They "pop in" on birthdays if for some reason we can't get to them, but it's expected that we'll go to them......

Mum is in ill health now and can't drive any more, but it was like that before! I don't know if it's mixing with my inlaws and dh's family, but they never did with my xh's family either.

I don't know, but I understand how you feel.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 12:17

Yeah. It's not great, is it? I do try and cut my Mum a fair amount of slack - it must be very hard to live with constant pain. But I do keep coming back to the fact that she can get to the Maldives.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 15/04/2011 12:20

tbh I'm not sure if YABU or YANBU. Yes your parents manage holidays so it isn't the drive per se that is the problem. But it may be that the drive and the 3 or so hours with family is too much for your mum. After all you can easily structure holidays so that there is lots of rest time for your mum. TBH if you are ill you can sleep in the car and then do fun things in much smaller chunks than three hours. It also makes a difference if you know that you can go and lie down if it is too much rather than knowing you will have to struggle for so many hours irrespective of how you feel.

Also it may feel too daunting to visit somewhere that hasn't got adaptations to things like your toilet. There are lots of hotel rooms adapted for disabled so I guess your mum would stay somewhere that meets their needs.

Your parents may BU, but I know as I have got older with health problems, that when you are younger it is easy not to understand the real impact of health problems. There are times when I wouldn't have been able to face 3 hours with family - it would just have been much too tiring. And i do think if you are normally healthy it is hard to understand how much such occasions can be tiring and difficult.

Also with MS symptoms are often worse in sunny warm weather, so the time of year may have an impact as well.

So it could be that YABU or YANBU I really can't tell from what you write. But please don't assume that just because she can manage a holiday that she can manage a visit for a family occasion. And have you offered things that could make their visit easier e.g. a bed she can lie down on with reassurance that if she needs to do this thats fine, an adapted toilet seat, etc. If you haven't, then I think it is more likely that yABU.

squeakytoy · 15/04/2011 12:22

Do you have a downstairs loo in your house?

Presumably on holidays, your parents can factor in disabled facilities so that your mum doesnt struggle.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 15/04/2011 12:24

YANBU. If she can get to the Maldives then she can get to her GC's birthday party.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 12:32

We have a downstairs toilet, and a thing that looks a bit like a zimmer frame but more stable - you're supposed to be able to use it to get into and out of chairs, but it can be moved from location to location. We also have a very clever sort of rotating circular thing that you can put onto chairs that go around a table, so that Mum can swing her legs out from underneath without having to push her chair back. Finally, before we bought this house we make sure that all of the downstairs corridors were wide enough for her to get her wheelchair through (she doesn't use it all the time, perhaps one day in three).

The problem with the car is that she gets uncomfortable sitting in one position for too long. But surely that would apply on a plane too? And a driving holiday around Scotland would be the worst thing possible, I would have thought. I can't say whether there were disabled facilities where they stayed in the Maldives or Scotland, but when they go to the Algarve they stay at my Aunt's villa, and I know for certainty that it doesn't have any disabled facilities or modifications.

But I'm getting petulant now. It's not going to change.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 15/04/2011 14:01

Wouldn't necessarily apply on a plane. After take off you can normally get up and walk around. But a driving holiday is of course different. I would have thought this would be a problem. Maybe they don't see birthday parties for very young children as important occasions?

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 14:08

Maybe. But it's not just birthday parties, it's everything.

They've never visited our new house (we moved in a week before DS2 was born). They never visited our old house (where we lived there for 3 years) or the house before that.

They didn't see me in hospital when I had complications while pregnant with DS1 and was on enforced bed rest for weeks on end.

They've never met DP's parents (who live in completely the opposite direction to mine, so it's too far to expect DP's parents to go to their house) even when DP and I got engaged and invited both sets to a celebratory lunch.

They've never seen my Christmas decorations, or seen the look on DS1's face when he realises that Father Christmas has been.

They sometimes drive to within 30 minutes of my house to visit friends. Would it really be so hard to come that little bit further? Just once?

But for some reason, it's DS2's birthday that has really got me. Not that they ever came to DS1's parties either.

OP posts:

dearyme · 15/04/2011 14:12

id be surprised someone disabled would go to the Maldives tbh

the islands ive been to are all sand, even in the restaurants, no paths so no accessibility for wheelchairs and the rooms especially the water villas are on wooden veranda type things so very difficult to walk on if you are not steady on your feet

dearyme · 15/04/2011 14:14

plus you have to jump in and out of boats/seaplanes so very awkward

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 14:19

Mum said she needed to rest for a long time once she got back to the UK from the Maldives, to recoup some strength. I think they stayed in a hotel, so things like the restaurant were all along paved paths? TBH, I would be very surprised if they went back to the Maldives. It was somewhere my Dad had always wanted to go, but the reality (for them at least) didn't live up to the dream. They're talking about Mauritius for their next long haul holiday.

But they're certainly planning another driving holiday, this time to Ireland! To be fair, they don't aim to cover huge distances each day, and because they follow their own timetable can stop as often as they like.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 15/04/2011 14:25

It does sound as if they are BU. Not sure you can do anything about it though.

diddl · 15/04/2011 14:35

Well tbh, they could stop the car for your mum to have a walk about on the way to you.

And I´m sure if she was tired you wouldn´t mind if she went for a rest.

I think it´s the fact that they haven´t even tried that would piss me off tbh.

Would train be possible?

ILs have never been over to us-not that I care for me, but my husband is an only child & we have their only GC.

You´d think that they would be interested, wouldn´t you?

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2011 14:40

Have you actually asked them why they are like this?
Because to me, it's nothing to do with your mum's MS.

And if I was you I'd be very hurt too.

fastedwina · 15/04/2011 14:49

I sort of have similar and it can be hard as all the other nieces/nephews had the family birthday celebrations, more hands on relationships with Gp etc but we chose to move 400 miles away and so dems the breaks - I still feel bad though that my kids are missing out on having a closer relationship with my family. Saying that, Dh's family are also 400 miles away and have a closer relationship but seem to make more effort.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 14:55

Nope. At least we otherwise have a good relationship. I'm over my rant now!

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2011 15:05

I'd still be asking them why then.

Original poster

CinnabarRed · 15/04/2011 19:19

Sometimes I'm sorely tempted. But then at others I can shrug and treat it as a strange foible of two otherwise lovely people. It's funny - DP's parents are only a couple of years younger than mine, but they seem to belong to an entirely different generation. Not so much in their tastes, but in their attitude to life.

OP posts:

diddl · 15/04/2011 19:57

Yes, I sometimes wonder if it´s worth asking people why they do/don´nt do things.

My ILs have never been over to see us in the more than 10yrs that we have been here.

If they were scared to fly/couldn´t afford it, you´d think that they would just say.

We take it as read that we´re not worth the effort.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread