Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to expect MIL to return my calls?

21 replies

sprinkles77 · 15/04/2011 08:52

She lives 200 miles away and visits regularly. Used to stay with us but now has a flat locally to stay in. She says she wants to spend time with DS and I am trying to make that possible but she never responds to texts or voicemails. she doesn't answer her phone. She never calls back. Eventually I get through to her and it's impossible to get her to commit to a plan. DH is at work all the time including saturdays. So I have to wait around for her to grace us with her presence, so I can't really make any plans. If I don't make DS available immediately DH accuses me of being obstructive. This is all so one sided.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShad0ws · 15/04/2011 08:55

Dont bother wait around for her. If you are available, then you are, if not, then you are not. It is pretty simple, really. All she has to do is to call and make arrangements. YOU know you are not obstructive, and she does not have a godgiven right to see her grandchildren.

Mishy1234 · 15/04/2011 09:11

I would just leave a message telling her you're going to be somewhere local (e.g the park) at x time for an hour and that she's welcome to join you if she's available. That way, you get to go out and do your thing, but she can come if she wants.

I wouldn't feel the need to do this too often if she's not responding. Maybe once a week?

I do wonder if she's maybe a bit down though. Maybe finding the move a bit much or missing her friends? Sounds as if she's withdrawing from life a bit.

kaj32 · 15/04/2011 09:11

Tell your husband to make the arrangements if he thinks your being obstructive, cheeky git.

Seriously, you can't put your life on hold on the off chance your mil graces you with a visit. It's not good for you or your child.

Have you tried leaving a message stating when you are free and to let you know by Thursday tea time he she'd like to visit. If you don't hear from her you'll assume she's not coming. And if she does turn up make her fit around your plans. Frankly she is just being rude by expecting you to accommodate you at short notice.

blackeyedsusan · 15/04/2011 09:22

at your h. what an unreasonable twit. just ring mil with the details of when you are free, leave it up to her to organise herself. write down what you have said to mil and if h queries it show him the list and challenge him on it. does he expect dc to miss out because mil can't return a phone call?

exoticfruits · 15/04/2011 09:22

I would leave a message saying that now DS is getting older you are out and about more and that if she lets you know when she is coming you will work arond it, but otherwise she will have to take 'pot luck'.

Needanewname · 15/04/2011 09:25

Think your DH is your problem, not your MIL

exoticfruits · 15/04/2011 10:09

I would agree DH is the problem.

FollowMe · 15/04/2011 10:38

Yes, DH is being an arse about it.

I'd phone MIL and leave a voicemail (maybe a text too to cover all bases) to say 'DS and I will be out at X and Y time but will be home at other times, so please do either come and see us at home when we are in or call me and I can arrange for you to join us while we are out'

Then if she doesnt call you back you can still go out with all knowledge that she knows where you are and when you will be home and that you've done your best to be available without waiting indoors the whole time.

bubblecoral · 15/04/2011 10:58

Tell your dh you have made the effort, then if he still accuses you of being obtrusive you can be sure that he really is being an arse and ignore his opinion. You can accuse him of being unreasonable and expecting far too much.

You have done what you can with MIL, now get on with your own plans and stop worrying about her.

pozzled · 15/04/2011 11:01

I agree with the other posters- leave a message with a time/day that you will be around, or a time that she could meet you at x location. Say that if that's not convenient she can phone to arrange a time. And then make your own plans, secure in the knowledge that if she doesn't see DS it is not your fault.

pozzled · 15/04/2011 11:04

Oh and if your DH thinks you are being obstructive, present him with a list of when you have phoned/tried to contact his mum. He may not realise how much you are doing. If he can look at the list and still not admit his mum is the problem, then he's just being an arse.

lesley33 · 15/04/2011 11:28

Agree about leaving her a message about when you will be around - its daft to stay in just on the off chance she might call around. If MIL hasn't always been like this, I do wonder if she is depressed or anxious about using the phone?

My gran would never use the phone. Also not answering or using phones can be a sign of someone withdrawing because of depression. For example - she could be turning up when she plucks up courage to go outside, but not arranging it in advance in case she gets anxious and gets outside but doesn't make it to your door. But only you will know if this is a possible scenario.

breatheslowly · 15/04/2011 12:44

Does you MIL use her flat at all? If not you could offer to find her a lettings agent for it as she doesn't seem to want to use it for its intended purpose. Possibly a bit passive-aggressive.

diddl · 15/04/2011 14:22

Does she only want to visit when your husband is also there?

I don´t get why your waiting in tbh.

Next time you get hold of her, how about you offer to pop round so that you can see if she seems ok?

Or tell your husband to sort something out.

His attitute is disgusting tbh.

Why is it up to you to make sure that his mum sees your son?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 15/04/2011 15:38

At the risk of repeating possibly every single person on this thread - Why the buggery bollocks are you doing it?

Tell your husband that from now on, HE makes plans with HIS mother and lets you know what they are in good time - ie NOT 5 minutes beforehand!

I fail to see why it is your responsibility to chase HIS mother. If it mattered that much to him, wouldn't HE be the one phoning her?

diddl · 15/04/2011 15:43

"If it mattered that much to him, wouldn't HE be the one phoning her?"

Exactly-and if it mattered to her-she´d be returning phone calls or phoning herself to make arrangements.

Is your husband more bothered about the fact that she doesn´t seem to be?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 15/04/2011 15:45

Quite, diddl.

Maybe she rather enjoys being chased. Makes her feel important to know they are practically begging for her company.

Unless she's suffering from depression of course, and just sitting listening to the phone ring but unable to answer it. ??

diddl · 15/04/2011 16:02

"Unless she's suffering from depression of course, and just sitting listening to the phone ring but unable to answer it. ??"

Yes, that´s why I suggested maybe OP-or preferably her husband could pop round& see what´s going on.

But I thought that MIL still lived somewhere else & stayed at the flat when visiting-when she chooses to?

albania · 15/04/2011 16:10

I wouldn't even bother phoning tbh, I'd let DH do any planning and arranging and leave them to it.
Make your plans, they'll have to work around them.

Original poster

sprinkles77 · 15/04/2011 16:20

she's definitely capable of using her phone cos she call me about random stuff. Anyway, she's coming here tomorrow, so I called her and told her when DS was available. I also called DH at work who swore blind he'd make the calls to MIL if I reminded him!!!!!!!!!!! FFS! I explained that was stupid, because if I have to remind him, then chase him up about it it's easier for me to do it. And then I look like I'm making an effort so no one can accuse me of being anything but keen for MIL to see DS. Hecate Maybe she rather enjoys being chased. Makes her feel important to know they are practically begging for her company: you are a genius and have hit the nail on the head, and diddl Is your husband more bothered about the fact that she doesn´t seem to be, well DH has actually alluded to this in the past, more about his father. Really, you all have a lot of insight, thank you!

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 15/04/2011 18:07

so instead of you taking responsibility for visits from HIS mother by actually phoning her, again and again and again, he wants you to take responsibility for visits from HIS mother by reminding him to call her, nagging him and standing over him until he phones her.

Would he like you to dial for him?

Wipe his arse?

Pre-chew his food?

How can you stand it?

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread