To feel like a shit mother for allowing this to happen?

[unsurevalentine]

I had a crap day and I need to rant.

Ex's partner has been constantly slating me to the kids the last few
weeks. Every time they come back they?re upset because she?s said this or that or the other, one week she told them that we could have had loads of exotic holidays and could have bought them loads of nice clothes etc if I didn?t spend all my money on crap. Unless she knows the contents of my bank account or stalks me when I go shopping how would she know and what business is it of hers and how untrue? I work really hard to give the kids the things they need.

She?s just mean and a controlling bully to them when they are there, Ds2 sais the other day he can?t wait until hes 16 so he can tell her what he thinks of her

Despite this they are adamant they still want to go and say they will
have a relationship with him in spite of her which I do admire and think is very mature but it makes me feel so sad they have to go through all this crap just to have a relationship with their dad. She is doing this to them deliberately to try and wind me up.

It?s all come to a head this week as the kids are on holiday. Ds2 is in
football club all week and ds1 and DD are at home (Ex won?t help and I
have taken a weeks leave next week to take advantage of the Bank Holidays). They have the swimming time table, packed lunches in the fridge, money to go swimming, 3 phone numbers for me, credit on their phones and I phone the several times a day to check in with them. Ex's partner has told the kids that it is illegal for me to leave them and that I could get arrested

Obviously I know it isn?t but its caused the kids so much anxiety and worry. I sent ex an email asking him to please have a word with her and pointing out that it isn?t in fact illegal and that I do not want to be in a position where I have justify my decisions, (which I feel totally undermines my authority) to the kids and it is in fact nothing to do with her anyway. He hasn?t replied,
instead when the kids went round there last night he has read them the email

Just feel so disappointed that ex is being so controlled and manipulated to
the determent of the kids and I feel powerless to do anything, other than to
stop them going which they don?t want anyway. She keeps telling Ex that
Ds1 is really messed up and in turmoil which I addressed in my email and ds1 questioned this when it was read to him and she has told him that he is indeed a very troubled child

She speaks about me to them like I am unclean and useless and worthless and he does nothing to intervene and it is really getting to me as I do my best all the time to be a good mum to the kids and they know how much I love them.

Just wonder how long before she divulges stuff to them about my past ? which leaves me questioning whether I should be straight with them in case they hear another version from her. I don?t want to tell them that stuff though as I am not ready and they don?t need to know anyway.

I have no rights or power to do anything and if I so much as complain she
threatens me with legal action (for what I don?t know).

Please dont feel shit about yourself, you sound like a wonderful parent and your children are very lucky

What a horrible situation to be in.

I don't know if I can say anything useful but what comes across so strongly in your post is how much you respect your children and how much you're focusing on them the whole time. FWIW I don't think that's how a shit mother would come across.

I hope it all improves soon.

unsurevalentine

You sound wonderful.

The truth till prevail. (sic) (maybe not). Don't get involved in this bull shit.

I do my best all the time to be a good mum to the kids and they know how much I love them.

^ that's the important stuff, she sounds like a cow.

That said, if there's secrets to be told, it's better from you than her - then she's no ammunition against you.

First things first: you are a brilliant mum. You are working hard, doing the best that you can and doing pretty well.

Next: your problem is not with your Ex's partner, it is with your Ex. This woman would have no influence if it were not for him. Talk to him. Tell him what your DC's need, about their obvious love for him and what is toxic to them. You do your best to protect them, he needs to as well. Explain that her words far from destroying your relationships with DCs are destroying his and ask him what he can do to recitfy the situation.

Your kids see through her, only your Ex will suffer in the long run.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Last year I had 6 months of treatment to get rid of Hep C which was difficult and they refused to have the kids a lot when they were supposed to and I was desperate, my hair all fell out.

Last week I found out it was successful and I no longer have Hep C :D

So delighted to have so many more years in me for my kids.

Just let it go like water off a ducks back. When she tells your kids something and they ask you about it just laugh nonchalantly and say something like "oh dear, whatever will be next, don't worry guys" and leave it at that. Your children will respect you more than her or your ex for it as it seems they already do. Do not let her bait you into any kind of argument because she seems unhinged and manipulative, especially showing the email to your kids

Your DS is old enough to know what is going on and he will more likely become closer to you because of his father and this woman's actions anyway. They are just pushing the children away in the long run.

Good luck with it OP

You sound like a lovely caring hardworking mum, your ex sounds like a waste of space and his OH sounds like a spiteful cow. I suspect she's either jealous or a habitual stirrer. Obviously you have checked out the legal issues around leaving your children while you work - I would just explain that you have checked this so no need to worry, and that cowbag says things that are spiteful and possibly untrue to try to upset them and you, and the best thing is to just ignore it.

Yes I agree - make a proper diary of all the incidents and talk to a lawyer. There may be some way for the children to see their dad without her being there, especially as they are old enough to confirm your side of things. They should not have to put up with this.

You sound like a lovely mum, I'm a big believer that you get what you put in with children, as they become adults you will reap the rewards of your love and care through contact with them whilst their dad and sm will be seen for what they are.

Have you spoken to her and told her to keep her ill-informed views to herself and keep out of things?

Your eldest sounds like he knows what a tosser she is, and I am sure he realises that you are a great mum.

I would tell both her and your ex that IF your son is "troubled" it is the shit stirring that she is doing, and the regular occasions his dad lets him down that causes the problems.

How long have you been divorced? She sounds like an insecure idiot and needs putting in her place.

OP are you the Mum or Step Parent? If the children are yours then you do have rights and you can put a stop to this, but I prefer LDNmummy suggestion of "Oh dear, what next?" a shrug and a shake of the head.

Try not to rise to the bait.

How old are your children? Can you get something in writing from somewhere to send to this woman proving you are doing nothing wrong?

She sounds like an evil witch. If you can limit contact so that they only see their father and not her you should do so.

Valantine:-congrats on being clear of HepC! Other woman sounds like an old cowbag. No advice other than not to get involved in bitching about this woman to your kids. Retain the moral high ground

unsurevalentine well done on getting through the treatment, especially without the support you should have had, it is horrible and very tough. And congrats on your all clear!

The past is the past, and you are where you are now. You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, you've moved on, dealt with it, changed, become the better person. Lots of people don't manage that you know.

I think your ex should be stopping this happening, seems like he is as much to blame as she is.

Can you go on the offensive with your kids and turn it into a sort of buzzwords bingo game with them - see if you can all predict which outrageous horrible things she will say/do next time they see her. Throw a few silly and completely OTT ones into the mix and it might take some of the power of what she is saying away from it.

So include a few things like 'she's going to say I'm a witch and go out on my broomstick at night' or 'I'm going to turn into a werewolf at the next full moon' and then a couple that mix things she says with silly stuff - 'the police are going to come because you allowed them to stay up past nine o'clock' (sorry, you'll have a much better idea of the sort of things she says and the way you can change and predict things!)

But then they can count the nasty things she says and get points for the ones they thought she would come out with. Bonus points for anything particularly mad she says/does.

And then the winner when they get home gets a prize - extra hug from you, choose what dinner's going to be one night, choose what programme to watch on tv, gets out of washing up one night etc. Doesn't have to be anything that involves money, just something that is nice for your kids.

it sounds like your kids have their heads screwed on the right way though and know what she is like so that's a big credit to you.

I agree with altinkum - imo it is vital that this should move on to a legal footing. This is slander and child abuse - the courts take a dim view of both and go a long way to protecting children from a toxic situation like this. I would keep a diary - write one up in retrospect and add to it with each incident, as 'fresh' entries are better - and present the whole situation, including all written and (notes of) spoken correspondence, to a family lawyer to see what they have to say. My kids have had similar and it has had a dire effect on them - I'm sorry to say that those words that were so hollow became amunition when my kids got to teens. The slander was so widespread they were practically brainwashed - it does go in, unfortunately. A caffcas officer would be very interested to hear what is going on and would very probably recommend supervised access away from this witch (and her warlock OH it has to be said).

Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better and encourages me to tackle this with humour with my DC's. I do sometimes take the piss out of her to them and they join in and I wonder if its a bit evil to encourage them to be mean about someone behind thier back (as I am accusing her of the same thing to me ) but I do draw a line.

I would email/write to your ex and say "children upset after contact, they say that your partner has said XYZ about me. Please ensure that she keeps her opinions about me to herself, the children do not want to hear them". I'd email him every week and if it continues suggest that the partner is not present.

How old are your children? What sort of secrets does she know that she may divulge to your kids?

She sounds like a bitch.

Massive drug addiction in late teens and all the associated problems that come with that.

Not too keen on kids being informed of this in her special format.

I am sure ex DH will have told her

She sounds vile - really truly evil. I would not want her to have any power over me (or my DCs) and depending on the ages of your DCs, I think at a time when you think it's right you should tell them about your past. Was your Hep C at all related to drug-addiction in the past? I only ask because of their horrible attitude to not helping you with DCs during your treatment (congratulations on being well again!) and whether she would have been saying something along the lines of she brought it on herself (and may have said even if it wasn't related). I would also move to have supervised visits. I do not know enough about Cafcas to know if this is possible if the Family courts are not involved but I would also agree about keeping a diary (reconstructing any previous events and filling gaps from calendars/events/emails etc). I think if you can feel more in control (than under her control and having to respond/firefight) and give your DCs some clear guidance on what they DO NOT have to put up with (a polite I would prefer it if you don't speak about my mother like that to me? Or If you cannot say anything nice about my mother to me, please don't speak about her at all to me) having to listen to this. I can understand that you feel like you are getting the children to defend YOU, but I think you already understand it is not you, you need to defend or protect. It is your DCs.

unsurevalentine it depends on how old your kids are how much, and the way in which you word it but I would tell them about your past. If you ask me, you've done incredibly well to get through it all and it is something to be proud of, not ashamed. Your children can learn from that. You should not have to feel trapped by her (possibly) knowing. She should not be able to hold that over you.

Congratulations on being HepC free I have a family member going through treatment currently, again caused by mistakes made over 30 years ago. To have gone through that on your own with 3 kids and no support is incredible!

Again, it depends on how old your DCs are but could you try what TheyKnow suggested and just tell them a stock phrase to parrot when she says something horrible about you?

YABU for feeling like a shit mum, you seem concerned only about your children's welfare in all this and you sound lovely.