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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad not coming to wedding - sorry long

19 replies

LoveLeonardCohen · 14/04/2011 21:13

Ok AIBU to think that it's a bit selfish of my dad not to come to my wedding. Mum and dad are seperated and mum lives with Stepdad in another country.
DP and i are having our wedding reception at mum's house abroad and have invited a small amount of guests and my dad.
From the beginning my dad has not exactly being willing to come and has shown no enthusiasm. First he was saying it would be too far (despite being in the same foreign county at the time), then it was because he has to work a couple of days after, then it was that he would feel awkward about meeting some old acquiantances at the wedding, and basically it seemed as though it would be a real hassle. I did feel disappointed about it, as I wanted him to be there for me, and to meet DP's family, which he hasn't done.
My dad also didn't come to my graduation as he was abroad and said it was too far to come, he also didn't come to my DS's 1st birthday (he was in the same country), because he said that it was too much messing around for 1 day.
Anyway I had sort of come to terms with the fact that he wasn't coming to wedding reception, when he brought it up saying he felt bad, what would people say about him not being there, (they'd think it was bad), he hadn't been included in the planning etc - made it all about him. But then reiterated how awkward ti would be for him. In the end I just said not to bother as it is clear that it isn't something he is willing to do. So now he's turned it around saying I've decided he shouldn't come!!
Dad is also not coming to actual wedding ceremony at a registry office as he has already made plans and will be abroad.
Help me with some perspective - I can't help feeling a little disappointed though, I wanted him to come and be there for me. Are my expectations too much or is he selfish?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/04/2011 21:15

I would imagine he feels very uncomfortable about going to his ex-wifes house.

But the other things he has not bothered to come to would make it seem like he is a bit selfish. Do you go and see him?

MirandaGoshawk · 14/04/2011 21:17

Am sorry for you as it's your day and you obviously want him to be there. However, it will be awfully awkward for him to come to ex-wife's house where she lives with her new DP. Also he could meet your DP's relativeds at another time. It's a pity that the wedding reception isn't on more neutral ground. Did he have a say in the planning? Did he agree that the reception could be held at her house? It does sound a bit as if you didn't fully consider whether he would be able/happy to attend under these circs.

Mare11bp · 14/04/2011 21:17

Selfish beyond belief.

Instead of focussing on himself and worrying about what others will say if he didn't go he should focus on being there for your sake.

He is feeling guilty. So eases the guilt now by blaming you and passing the burden of the decision upon you which clearly isn't the case.

If you want him there tell him how you feel.

But YADNBU.

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 14/04/2011 21:18

Yes I do see him, we go regularly to his house, he comes to stay at our flat when he's in town...

I can see he might be uncomfortable about going to ex -wife's house but it was 35 odd years ago that they were married!

OP posts:

Oblomov · 14/04/2011 21:18

I had similar. We can dismiss it, but deep deep down, it cuts to the very core, doesn't it ?
Have you talked to your dp/future dh about it. Why don't you. Set a time. Tell him you need to have a good rant and a good sob. I think that may help ? maybe ?
Moving on, my day was lovely. And it does not sadden me, hardly ever now.
Once you accept, it doesn't seem so bad.
Is thta any help ?

MirandaGoshawk · 14/04/2011 21:19

Would you consider changing the REgister Office date so that he could attend? Would this be feasible?

Mare11bp · 14/04/2011 21:19

If it's that bad why can't he go to the ceremony but not the reception?

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 14/04/2011 21:19

Anyway I don't know, it's just one of those parent-child things isn't it. I should be used to him, I am a grown up now!!

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 14/04/2011 21:21

When did they split up, how long have they been apart?

If it's a recent thing then I can understand it, but tbh, I think he is trying to make himself a victim here, and putting it together with your graduation, your DS first birthday, you seem to be trying to include him, but he seems to be refusing.

If I were you, my patience would have run out by now and I'd tear him off a strip. He is supposed to be the man to give you away, he is supposed to be a key part of the service, but HE is refusing to be involved.

I'd be telling him off for wimping out, for letting you down and embarrasing your family in front of your Fiance's family.

TELL HIM how you feel. Put this back into HIS court. ASK him how he can be involved, how can he contribute. Life is Awkward, but he's a bigger person than that surely, and isn't the marriage of his daughter important enough for him to come out and fulfill his duty as a father?

HerHissyness · 14/04/2011 21:22

35 years ago, FGS!

MortenHasNiceShirts · 14/04/2011 21:23

I can completely understand him not wanting to go to his ex-wife's house. And also understand if he's already committed to being abroad at the time of your ceremony. Also, 1st birthdays aren't particularly major for a lot of people - it's not as though they know it's their birthday to be fair.

Having said that, he sounds as though he's being a bit difficult about the whole thing.

So in conclusion, YABabitU>

TeddyMcardle · 14/04/2011 21:24

YANBU :(

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 21:25

I would say that he would understandably feel uncomfortable at your mums house but if he doesn't usually come to things then maybe there is more to it. That said though, the things you have mention (graduation, christening, 1st birthday) are all things your mum would be at.

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 14/04/2011 21:28

I keep cross posting
Mare11bp - you've put it in writing
'He is feeling guilty. So eases the guilt now by blaming you and passing the burden of the decision upon you which clearly isn't the case'. I feel that I am carrying the burden of the decision. He actually said that to my mum, that I'd decided he shouldn't come.

MirandaGoshawk - You are right, we didn't include him in the planning. Maybe in retrospect we shouldv'e done. The reason we didn't was that i assumed that he probably wouldn't come as he isn't often up for family social events. Also he doesn't have money and my mum and step-dad are helping with the financial side. We can't change register office, we had to do it in half term to allow for kids, and nieces and nephews holidays etc

Oblomov - you are right, I can rationalise it but deep down it does hurt and makes me feel like a child! I wonder why he can't be there for me. DP is very understanding and has listened to me rant and sob. I am happy your day went well as I'm sure ours will. However, I'm sure I shall have a resentment about it that will rear it's head from time to time. The shame is that just as with the graduation, in a few years he won't even remember why he didn't come. Just that he didn't come.

OP posts:

PaisleyLeaf · 14/04/2011 21:39

yanbu
But I'm sort of feeling a bit sorry for the bloke. It sounds like your mum's done quite well for herself and your dad feels like he's a bit of a loser. That would explain his discomfort at seeing old acquaintances at your mum's place being a bit awkward for him too.

Longtalljosie · 14/04/2011 21:49

YANBU, he is being weak. Tell him you expect him to be there, and when he starts to whine, say, no excuses

nijinsky · 14/04/2011 22:05

YANBU. He should man up, and be there for you on your big day. Its only one day out of his life.

mumcanIaskaquestion · 14/04/2011 22:22

YANBU.

My dad did the same thing. We gave him and my stepmother (OW) 12mths notice of our wedding date. Mum even put in a note saying that after 15+yrs that their were no hard feeling and that they were both welcome. They choose to go on holiday instead, so did my brother and his wife go on holiday.

These were their choices to go away and not be included our day.

Original poster

LoveLeonardCohen · 14/04/2011 22:46

mumcanIaskaquestion - sorry that must have hurt a lot

OP posts:

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