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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was bitchy - or am I being too sensitive?

28 replies

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:14

I had coffee with a friend of my DH's today because she is thinking of doing a postgrad degree and wanted to know what it's like in terms of workload and finances and so on, and I'm in the middle of my degree. I don't know exactly what her job is or earns but she graduated two years ago.

I started explaining how you go about applying for funding, and explained that the funding works out as basically like minimum wage, but as you don't pay tax, the lump sum you get is less than that, and you get money into your account quarterly - all of which is true. She started shaking her head at me and giggling and basically being very strange and then said 'I could never live like that. Ever.'

AIBU to think that she was very rude? Or am I being a bit touchy? I am aware that it's not exactly private information in the way a salary is, but I still feel pissed off.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 14/04/2011 19:16

I am not sure how you construe that as being bitchy at all, or rude.

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:17

Well, because she'd just asked me about how I live my life and then laughed at it.

If she'd said 'oh, that's made me think again about doing it, I wouldn't like to live on that little', I'd have understood, but bursting out laughing is rude, isn't it?

OP posts:

Mamazonhereggsclucking · 14/04/2011 19:18

i think it was rude yes.
She was basically mocking and belitlling the way you live after you have been kind enough to give her your time to offer advice.

G1nger · 14/04/2011 19:20

I would react like you, but on the outside I don't think she was intentionally being rude. Unintentionally, she managed it by not thinking about your reaction, but I think she was probably just thinking about herself.

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 19:22

She sounds a bit spoiled, if I'm reading it right. Which is a slur on her, not you. I would feel a bit like you but rationally she's the one with the problem

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:23

Thanks for replies.

I can see what you're saying Ginger - but part of what annoys me is that if she'd thought for five minutes, she'd know that there probably aren't hordes of students around being paid in Ferraris and pink champagne.

OP posts:

Acinonyx · 14/04/2011 19:24

Hi there! I wouldn't think it was rude because I wouldn't see it as belittling. If you can't put you passions in life before material concerns - well - who should be ridiculing who?

In my case, the thing that totally got my goat was the implication from some people that my dh was a total saint for letting me do a PhD on such a pittance .

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 19:25

Or maybe she meant to say "I'm so bad with money it would be a strain on me - silly me and hats off to you" IYSWIM

yama · 14/04/2011 19:25

Yes, she was rude. However, you should be proud that you are doing something she is seemingly incapable of doing. Maybe she was shamefully laughing at her own ineptitude.

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:28

Yes, I sort of know what you mean - but I was gobsmacked as she only graduated quite recently and must know about student debt! People do occasionally tell me I'm lucky DH 'lets' me do the PhD but he soon shuts them up. We earn pretty similar amounts, fortunately.

Flaming - erm, how is that not still rude?

OP posts:

suzikettles · 14/04/2011 19:28

She seems extremely naive and precious. "I could never live like that". Welcome to the real world princess

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 19:29

Erm I don't know, offering alternative explanations. Thoughtless and self-absorbed, Not deliberately rude.

squeakytoy · 14/04/2011 19:30

Maybe all she was thinking was, being given a lump sum, she would be crap at budgetting, and would soon blow the lot. I know I would be crap at it myself.

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:31

I see what you mean then.

It's just the point is, it's not a lot of money but it is a normal wage for lots of people. It may be thoughtless not to realize that, but rude too imo.

OP posts:

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:32

squeaky, actually, I guess that does make sense.

I am obviously a bit touchy about this.

OP posts:

TotemPole · 14/04/2011 19:32

'I could never live like that. Ever.'

It depends what they mean by that. Live off the equivalent of minimum wage, or have to budget over 3 months at a time?

Sometimes people giggle if they feel embarassed about themselves, not because they're laughing at the other person.

suzikettles · 14/04/2011 19:32

I had a similar conversation though, years ago, with a primary teacher who shadowed me for a day in my job as a bookseller because she was looking for alternative careers as she found her job very stressful.

She was waxing lyrical about how great my job was and how it would suit her lifestyle so much better, and then finally got round to asking about the money almost as an afterthought.

Well, her jaw practically hit the floor and she said something very similar to that girl. Funnily enough shop work doesn't pay very well. I'm not sure how she'd managed to get to the age of 30 not knowing that.

Meglet · 14/04/2011 19:33

Bit rude and she needs a reality check.

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:35

I don't honestly think she was embaressed - it didn't come across like that. The way she was laughing I think she either didn't believe I was telling the truth or she didn't think I was seriously saying that was what I lived off, as if there must be some other source of income somewhere.

I'm sure if she'd felt bad about herself she'd have said so because I know I had catsbum face when she laughed.

OP posts:

G1nger · 14/04/2011 19:40

At least she's not your friend. Maybe you and she will never really be friends, and that's all it comes down to...

LDNmummy · 14/04/2011 19:44

Mmm... I get where you are coming from but I wouldn't take offence. I would have just said something like "well thats why only really strong minded and determined people go for it, because it is difficult". Similar kind of non insult.

Guitargirl · 14/04/2011 19:44

I also think she was probably talking about the budgeting rather than the amount but I still think she was rude!

I remember a friend of DP's coming to DD's first birthday party. DP and a bunch of mates went out to the pub after DD had gone to bed. I stayed at home, couldn't go out in the evenings then as DD still needed me to put her to sleep and would usually wake up after an hour or so. DP's friend said rather patronisingly to me before she left for the pub 'and are you really satisfied with your life?' Fast forward 3.5 years and we have just been to said friend's DS's 1st birthday. She and her DP have her sister living with them. I commented that must be handy as being able to have a babysitter and she said rather glumly that she had only been out once since her DS was born and it didn't really work out. I must admit I had to bite my lip before reminding her of what she had said to me!

Original poster

JaneS · 14/04/2011 19:47

Nice when karma does your work for you eh, guitar?

OP posts:

Guitargirl · 14/04/2011 19:49

Absolutely

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 19:58

Guitargirl

I've had the experience of younger women (younger than me, I mean) making "bitchy" little comments that say more about their inexperience and fears than they say about me. I remember one commenting to my DH when he was out celebrating the birth of DS1 by CS, saying something about how terrible it was that I'd never wear a bikini again. It was literally the first thing she said. When DH told me, I was feeling sensitive about the birth having "gone wrong".

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