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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

.... to think DD 2 staying at mine and starting nursery are compatable.

18 replies

Gster · 14/04/2011 14:01

My ex and I are working towards me having my DD 2 stay at my home every other weekend for two nights, which we will build up to. My ex ( mum ) may have found a nursery place for our DD starting in a month.

Am I being unreasonable to think that the two things are not incompatable ? My ex seems to think that if nursery starts then DD staying with me should be postponed as it's such a change in her life.

My DD is a bright lively child and I'm a loving Dad.

OP posts:

PrincessScrumpy · 14/04/2011 14:05

I can understand your ex being worried, but you are her dad - does she not spend any time with you at the moment? Do you have a relationship with dd. I think that settling her with you is more important than settling her at nursery so should take a priority, but that might not be realistic. really depends if their's more history to this, but your ex shouldn't be making excuses - knowing her mum and dad love her and are there constantly in her life is extremely important to dd and being appart from you would be far more damaging.

zingzillachinchilla · 14/04/2011 14:09

How old is your DD?

Original poster

Gster · 14/04/2011 14:10

I do see DD every other w/e and in the week for an afternoon at my XP's home ( not ideal ) , I also childmind sometimes when XP is working, so yes we do spend time together and have a great relationship ( me and DD that is ).

But my XP is not happy about DD staying with her Dad. There isn't any reason for this other than XP believing a child should always stay with her mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gster · 14/04/2011 14:11

DD is 2.5

OP posts:

lateatwork · 14/04/2011 14:13

It depends. Will she be at nursery full time? If its just a couple of mornings a week then I think your ex is being unreasonable. If its full time, then I can kinda see her point as that is a lot of change and your DD will see a lot less of her mum (main carer..) which will be a huge change for DD already. I am also assuming here you already have some contact with DD, so seeing and being with you isnt going to be that much of a trauma for her.

If it is fulltime, could you do drop off/ pick up and then look after her for a couple of hours at either end of the day?

FabbyChic · 14/04/2011 14:14

I think the child should be introduced to staying with her dad now whilst she is younger so she gets used to it.

There is nothing psychologically harming to a child in letting them stay with one parent on a regular basis, in fact it would be better for the child if it happened because then she could see what a loving, wonderful father she has who wants to spend time with her on a regular basis.

Littlefish · 14/04/2011 14:14

Unless there's lots your not telling us, then it seems perfectly reasonable for you to have your dd every other weekend, and for her to start nursery. Why don't you start having her one night a fortnight straight away, then all the changes won't be happening at once.

Is there any particular reason why she is concerned about you having your dd to stay? Was there ever any agressive behaviour from either of you?

ConnorTraceptive · 14/04/2011 14:15

i think it would be very unfair of your ex to prevent you having your daughter over night because of this. Sounds like you have regular and consistant contact and your daughter is happy in your care. If anything should be postponed it should be the nursery although I think your daughter would probably cope with both

zingzillachinchilla · 14/04/2011 14:19

I agree with lateatwork - if it's full time it's a big deal but if it's a few sessions then I think introducing both changes at the same time is probably OK, especially as your DD is a bright lively child.

Why don't you hold back for a week, and let her start nursery and if she's settling there OK then she should be fine to come and stay with you? Depending on when the nursery place becomes available, you could perhaps start the overnight stays first?

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I don't think your exP is being unreasonable either (assuming her motive is about minimising impact of change on your DD and not out of obstinacy, that is!)

Good luck with sorting it out.

PrincessScrumpy · 14/04/2011 14:20

Just to point out - if dh called looking after dd while I'm at work "childminding" I would go loopy. It's called being a dad. But if she sees you that much, dd should be able to stay with you. Don't get cross with ex though (won't help and it sounds like she's just worried about dd). Might be diplomatic to reassure your ex and stop looking after dd at your ex's house to break the link.

Original poster

Gster · 14/04/2011 14:21

There is nothing I'm not saying honest. No violence or anything like that. I'm just a normal dad. I have had a lot of resistance from my XP over DD coming to stay with me. So whilst I can see her concerns to a degree, I am thinking she's using this issue as a way to put off easing my DD into staying with me.

One night a fortnight will hopefully start in the next week or two. And the nursery place is for three days a week. My XP however works fairly frequently so DD is used to her not being around for days on end.

OP posts:

heliumballoons · 14/04/2011 14:21

I would have put you spending time with her in front of nursery at this age tbh. My DS doesn't see his dad as his dad is a wanker couldn't be bothered and I feel for him about this.

Just a friendly word of advice. do not sat you childmind your own DD here on MN or you'll get pulled up on it. She's your DD and you should be spending time with her, and her mum should be letting you. I do understand thats what you want though.

heliumballoons · 14/04/2011 14:22

x post with princess

Original poster

Gster · 14/04/2011 14:31

sorry about the child mind reference. :-(

OP posts:

ChasingSquirrels · 14/04/2011 14:44

when did you split?
to be honest, in "normal" circumstances I don't understand why she isn't already overnighting with you.
My ex left when my boys were 5y & just 2y, they overnighted with him twice a week from the week after he moved out.

Original poster

Gster · 14/04/2011 14:51

ChasingSquirels

Split three months ago.

The reason it's taken this long is that XP didn't think my previous home was child friendly enough. Debatable. Long story. So to avoid any problems I moved home last weekend to a new house.

OP posts:

queenrollo · 14/04/2011 14:53

we split the time with our son 50/50 and we separated when he was 2.5, he started nursery shortly after that (two days a week) and he coped with those changes without any problem. But we were rigid about the routine, so it didn't take him long to realise that this is how his week was going to be.

WMDinthekitchen · 14/04/2011 17:20

G, you seem to be making every effort. I cannot see why you should not have your daughter to stay. I agree with queenrollo that it would be a good idea to establish the nursery/2 homes routine from the start. You are not a stranger, not a childminder but her father for goodness' sake!

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