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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give DSs clothes away

51 replies

PossetFeatures · 14/04/2011 09:38

DP and I have a 10 week old son. DP has an older sister and younger brother. BIL is expecting a baby later on this year with his (very casual) girlfriend. I like DB a lot, and like his girlfriend, although I have only met her on a handful of occasions.

Was round SIL house the other day, and we were talking about BIL having this baby. SIL then said, "well, you and DP can give BIL all DSs clothes when you've done with them, help em out and all that".

BIL and girlfriend don't have much money (BIL isn't working at the moment). However, I'm not sure I want to just give all of DSs clothes away, as I saved up to buy him lots of lovely clothes (spanning from newborn up to a year old) whilst I was pg, (we're not exactly rolling in it) and also DP and I want to try for another baby early next year, so would really want the clothes again, regardless of what sex baby we may have. I have thought about lending them to BIL, but he's VERY unreliable, and isn't planning on living with girlfriend when baby is born, so I prob wouldn't end up getting everything back... and isn't it extremely anal to hand them over, with detailed list of all clothes given? .

If DS was our last planned baby, then i'd be fine to give them to BIL. Also, it's not the lending of the clothes per se that I have a problem with, as a friend of mine is also having a baby soon and i've offered to lend her anything she needs (as it happens, she's declined my offer). I just don't reckon i'd get them back from BIL and girlfriend, and it would make me inwardly seething if I didn't/the got ruined, but would like to help them out in some way...

Am I being an unreasonable tight-arse, or do I have grounds to feel this way? - geniunely don't know!!

Have to pop out, but will be back soon to read your opinions!

OP posts:

FutureNannyOgg · 14/04/2011 11:12

YANBU
You still need them yourself. All DS stuff has been packed according to size for DC2. I have bright, gender neutralish stuff (I have no issue with a girl in dinosaurs and robots) most of it is vests and babygros,cardis for cold weather, so seasons aren't a problem. DS grew like a weed so some stuff never got worn. I bought decent quality clothes with multiple babies in mind.
If anyone asks, which is a bit of a cheek IMO, just say you would but you are hoping to need them again yourself.

befuzzled · 14/04/2011 11:14

yanbu

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 11:27

I wouldn't lend them as they may get stained with sick or poo. YANBU to want to keep them and have valid reasons to keep them yourself.

candleshoe · 14/04/2011 11:33

I was so upset by the fact that my auntie 'lost' the baby clothes I had lent her (including things my mum and my grandma, now deceased, had knitted) that I would seriously suggest you only lend things you don't mind never seeing again.

The worst part was that she claimed to have 'never seen' the clothes I was most concerned to get back. In order not to start world war three I had to bite my tongue and say nothing but I was so upset!

Rambling sorry.

MooMooFarm · 14/04/2011 11:34

YANBU - and she was v cheeky to assume you'd just hand over all your stuff.

bubblecoral · 14/04/2011 11:35

SIL was being incredibly rude to assume she could tell you waht to do with your own property! Tell her to mind her own business for a start.

Agree with the others that you shouldn't give away anything that you would like back. And it's perfectly normal to be attached to the things you lovingly chose for your own baby.

You are not obliged to give them anything, it's their own problem if they have decided to have a child when Bil is out of work and they are going to struggle.

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 11:35

Baby clothes don't last long so I really think it would be unwise to lend them.

Megatron · 14/04/2011 11:38

YANBU. Don't give anything that you want back, do give things that you're not too bothered about. It's not for anyone else to tell you what to do with your own stuff! I lent a 'good friend' of mine our beautiful maple changing table stating very clearly that I would want it back when my sister's baby was born 8 months later. When the time came she told me it 'broke' (it was solid maple) and they had to throw it away. I found out a week or so later that she had sold it to another friend.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 14/04/2011 11:49

Megatron what did you do about it?

OP YANBU - it was extrememly rude of your SIL to say you'd do that, they're your things, not hers - cheeky bint!

Do what most others have suggested, have a look through and bag up anything you wouldn't use next time & keep the rest - don't lend anything you would want to use again yourself - even with the best will in the world people get confused about who gave them what & baby clothes are easily ruined with poo/food stains etc

Clothing their child is their responsibility - not yours.

IgnoringTheChildren · 14/04/2011 11:51

I gave some of DS1's baby clothes to a friend not expecting them back (it was 5 months after DS1 was born and at that stage I was rather anti- having any more DC!) She actually did return them, with the exception of one top that got wrecked, which she told me about when it got wrecked and apologised for! Then when she returned the clothes (insisting that I might want another baby one day) she gave me a "replacement" outfit which was actually in the size DS1 was then. Sorry this is sounding more like me bragging about what a great friend I have - my point is supposed to be that some people will return baby clothes, but even when they are really careful some things will get ruined.

I definitely wouldn't "lend" any clothes in your situation. As it turns out I am reusing DS1's clothes with DS2 despite the fact that it shouldn't work as DS1 was a summer baby and DS2 a winter baby but, as DS2 is so much bigger than DS1 was at 19 weeks, he is already wearing the 9-12 month stuff!

everlong · 14/04/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thebody · 14/04/2011 12:14

why the hell should you.. none of your sil business actually..you dont need to explain yourself..

blackeyedsusan · 14/04/2011 12:23

why dodo so many people have such a sense of entitlement that baby clothes belong to the whole family not to the parents of the baby. your baby, your clothes do what you like with them. DO NOT let anyone pressure you into giving them away. You may need to sell them later if you are hard up. you may have a surprise addition number 3 (eek) you may just want to keep them because you want to keep them. so what. they do not belong to sil to give away as she pleases.

blackeyedsusan · 14/04/2011 12:23

DO (dodo?)

FutureNannyOgg · 14/04/2011 12:24

Incidentally, if she is really hard up, plain white cotton babygros from Asda or matalan are dirt cheap.

Inertia · 14/04/2011 12:35

YANBU. just don't ever mention lending anything to BIL, and if anyone asks just say you are not done with them as you are planning to have another baby very soon. Don't feel pressured to give in ! SIL has probably cottoned on to the fact that you've bought decent quality things.

CowgirlHerdingCats · 14/04/2011 12:46

No don't - just ignore.

I came under pressure to lend my mother things for DN when she looked after her as she was never left enough clothes. Despite us wanting more DC I did pick out a few things to be helpful but Mum was with me when I was sorting and insisted on having a few more things. I trusted my own mother would get stuff back to me and her DGC.

They all ended up as DN house in the end defeating the original purpose and my sister sold them - we never saw the money. We'd had another girl just before sis did that and could have done with the clothes or the money. Only thing we got from DN was an item sis broke just before selling and left at our parents house - we already had a fully working one but they brought it over for us mainly I think so we could pay to get rid of it - it was a bulky item.

I have given away things we don't want or need to friends but on our timetable when we not longer need them.

I had a friend who insisted on giving away her first DC clothes as the next one might be different sex or very least a different time of year to her first and it was very nice stuff she'd bought and family have given. Second DC same sex born two days after first birthday - my friend then regretted her generosity especially as second time round family were buying a lot less for her and money was tighter as she was not going back to work.

Megatron · 14/04/2011 12:55

Chipping I cried! I was so upset as I'd promised my sister she could have the changing table so she had refused offers from her other friends. I felt so guilty I bought her a new one anyway as a baby present.

Needless to say my 'friend' and I no longer see each other. She eventually admitted selling it saying that she needed the money to put towards their holiday and thought I'd have forgotten about the table. The mind boggles doesn't it.

Bottleofbeer · 14/04/2011 13:15

My SIL sold a load of stuff we gave her and kept the money. I was stunned, I DID go on to have another baby too.

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 14/04/2011 18:07

I'm back! Thanks all for your replies- so glad that you all seem to think that i'm NBU . Think i'll just give them some vouchers or buy them some clothes myself to help, but def don't want to give them all away... I hadn't thought that next baby we may have will possibly be born at a different time of year, thus needing different types of clothes in different sizes, but until we know that is the case, i'd like to keep hold of them!

Tbh, it's not BIL that has actually mentioned anything about clothes, and to be fair to him, I don't think he'd expect anything (prob hasn't even thought about it tbh, he's not the most organised of chaps! ) However, dreading SIL (who is lovely but suffers from foot in mouth syndrome a lot of the time) bringing the subject up at a family dinner, and putting everyone in an awkward position- eek!

OP posts:

Original poster

PossetFeatures · 14/04/2011 18:08

at megatron - what a BITCH your ex-friend is!!!! I would make sure everyone knew what she had done!!

OP posts:

SisterCarrie · 14/04/2011 18:23

YANBU. I and others have been approached directly via the wonderful medium of FB wall - talk about blatant - by an acquaintance who is expecting later this year with specific requests for items of clothing / baby equipment. I don't know this person terribly well, though her partner is a good friend of DP, which is probably why she asked - though DP is much more reluctant than I am to proffer the requested items, mainly because of how they were asked for. I have committed to lending some stuff and made it clear it is a borrow, not a keep.

I know this couple don't have much money and we were fortunate enough to be able to buy new things for our DC last year, so I'm happy to lend things I either have no particular attachment to and won't be sorry not to get back, or can replace cheaply, but I was a bit at the method of asking - like being put on the spot in front of an audience!

Some folks are askers though, and I'm definitely a guesser, so askers tend to confound me - www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/08/change-life-asker-guesser!

pigletmania · 14/04/2011 18:50

YANBU, just say that you are planning for another baby and will be saving the clothes for then. You bought and paid for them, its up to do what you decide to do with the. Cheeky of BIL to suggest that you give them the clothes, how rude

foreverondiet · 14/04/2011 19:23

Be careful. Only lend stuff that you don't mind being ruined. And def mark everything with a laundry pen as she will not remember what you gave her. If you are concerned then make inventory and detail out whats stained, explain that she can borrow but IF if you have another child of the same sex she has to return it all and replace anything damaged or stained.

DH's sister borrowed stuff. Most of it came back fine. She is basically reasonable and would pay for stuff ruined or lost AND she gave me loads of stuff she bought for her DS so it didn't matter that some stuff was badly stained. But a lot of our stuff is hand me down anyway.

CadleCrap · 14/04/2011 19:32

Unless you have finished with it, don't give it away to anyone. I kept all of DS's clothes, but then went on to have a DD. I am reusing the baby gros and vests but I am selling any thing decent or exchanging them a our local clothing exchange (we are lucky enough to have one) so DD will be clothed for "free"

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