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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get annoyed with everyone telling me dh should "get a job"

22 replies

tammy2k11 · 13/04/2011 20:39

hubs has renal failure. was on dialyisis for 7 years. spent about a year of that in hospital with infections and various access problemd, he nearly died more times than i care to remember. things were looking very dodgy for him when he finally got a transplant in jan.

hes still very poorly. kidney doing well but he has had a bout of rejection.

the tx was 12 weeks ago and he still gets veryu tired and out of breath (this then can affect the kidney) so he still has to take it easy.he still has clinic 2x a week. and all im gettiong off people is when is he getting a job,,,,sertiosuly its doing my fucking head in. i keep telling ppl he will get a job when hes ready and not before but everyone seems to know someone who worked through having dialysis then went back a month or so after the tx but dh really has been ill over the lasty 7 years.

the hospital said he has one of the worst records for someone on dialysis. its a bloody wonder he made it thru 7 years but he did now all he needs is time to get better and to be able to begin to do the things hes never been able to do brfore.

rant over!!!!!!

OP posts:

storminabuttercup · 13/04/2011 20:40

its noone elses business !

Bogeyface · 13/04/2011 20:42

I would be pissed off too. I take it that these people dont know you or him that well otherwise they would know his history, in which case they have no right to pass an opinion.

could you ask "Oh, thats interesting, I didnt know you were a renal expert! Thats good to know because his doctors keep telling him that going back to work could kill him! I'll let him know what you said!" ? I could but I am a bolshy cow when someone winds me up!

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 13/04/2011 20:43

Do you think that they think he is depressed and getting a job would perk him up a bit?

It sounds like a bloody mad suggestion to me quite frankly, but that was the only possible reason I could think that someone might say it with good intent?!

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 13/04/2011 20:46

We have something similar.

My DP has depression. Walking down the street can give him a panic attack. Conversation with an arse of a work colleague:

Arse: Has [my DP] got a job yet?

Me: No, he's not ready yet.

Arse: Well beggars can't be choosers!

saffy85 · 13/04/2011 20:48

YANBU sounds like your DH should be focusing all his energy on getting and staying well not searching for a job. It's hard enough for people with excellent health to get a job so can't imagine it's a piece of piss for someone who has been through all that your DH has.

Hope things improve for him soon.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 13/04/2011 20:50

Who're 'people'? which people?

onepieceofcremeegg · 13/04/2011 20:54

I think that in situations where people are rude and make comments where they have no need to, it is helpful to have some simple but instant responses.

For example, in the situation the op gives, just look vague and slightly disinterested. When the "expert" has finished being rude, I would say something like "thanks for your opinion. Actually there are a number of medical complications but we have only confided those to family and close friends; I'm sure you understand"

Then move on/change the subject.

CurrySpice · 13/04/2011 20:54

12 weeks after a transplant???? Who the hell would say that???

MadamDeathstare · 13/04/2011 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

atswimtwolengths · 13/04/2011 20:59

Who are these people? Are they family or 'friends'? I would do everything to avoid someone who spoke to me like that.

IhateMarlo · 13/04/2011 21:02

I personally would use another quote that I have read on here that goes 'Fuck the fuck off and then fuck off some more' [love that phrase and am waiting to use it, thank you who eversaid it first.]
Failing that go with cremeeggs suggestion

crystalglasses · 13/04/2011 21:08

I would just say his doctor has advised him he won't be able to work for at least a year, iof not longer.

Ephiny · 13/04/2011 21:16

People can be incredibly rude and insensitive. I would have some bland stock reply ready for next time someone makes a comment like that. If he's not well enough to work then that's all there is to it, you shouldn't have to debate it or justify it to random people. What someone else might have been able to do in a completely different situation is irrelevant.

I hope he continues to get better, I can only imagine what a difficult few years it must have been for both of you...

blackeyedsusan · 13/04/2011 21:17

some people are so insensitive... what crystal says sounds good to me.

oo ceam eggs i am going to use that when the newws that dh and i have split goes (more) public...

You lot are so clever...

TeddyMcardle · 13/04/2011 21:18

What is wrong with people, I can't imagine thinking that about a seriously ill man let alone saying that to his wife.

onepieceofcremeegg · 13/04/2011 21:28

blackeyedsusan I always find it more effective to give a slight air of "mystery" in these situations. I think that it frustrates the nosy person even more, it suggests that there is far more to know than you will let on, but they are not "special enough".

For me, it is far more satisfying than a f off type of reply. However we all have different personalities so what is right for one isn't right for another. :)

bilblio · 13/04/2011 22:02

Some people are just stupid, insensitive and should just mind their own business. There are lots of fantastic responses on here which I wish I'd had the courage to say over the years.

DH has never worked, but neither have we ever claimed any benefits. If he'd ever plucked up the courage to get to the doctors over the years he'd probably have been diagnosed with various MH issues... but it took me 10 years to get him near enough to a GP to even register. He's had ups and downs but he's worked through them in his own way. Having DD has probably been the best thing to happen to him.

I've lost track of the number of times people asked when he was going to get a job, and whether it bothered me. Yes of course it bloody bothers me! But I'm more worried about pushing him over the edge than our finances. I also don't want to have to justify our life by explaining everything.

I've always described him as a SAHHusband. Now he's a SAHD and people don't ask as often. I do still get the odd person asking if he's going to get a job when DD starts school.... strangely I've never heard anyone ask any of my SAHM friends this!

It seems it's okay for women to stay home and be looked after, but men should be out there working, even if they're ill. It makes me furious!

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2011 23:19

I wonder if some of the people who have made these comments have been watching the same TV programmes that I have - I'm sure I've seen a few dramas/soaps that portrayed kidney transplants as instantaneous cures with the recipient feeling better within hours.

I know the OP said "but everyone seems to know someone who worked through having dialysis then went back a month or so after the tx" so they're claiming personal knowledge, but imo some people claim personal experience when actually the nearest they've been to it is reading it in Heat magazine. [old cynic emoticon]

onepieceofcremeegg · 14/04/2011 10:50

Good point WhereYouLeftIt.

Lots of people seem to have some amazingly "expert" knowledge about all kinds of fairly rare and unusual conditions. And it's not just the fairly rare conditions.

I work in mental health and I am constantly impressed (not) by patients' neighbours/ils etc who know siginficantly more about depression (or insert other illness) than our consultant psychiatrist. I am not saying that the doctor knows everything, but I'm fairly sure he got most of his knowledge from med school rather than EastEnders.

bilblio I am on your behalf too. Some people have are incredibly nosy and apparently have no shame. Wishing you and your dh all the best. Let's hope that one day he finds the key to seeking help. It must be tough on all of you.

QuietTiger · 14/04/2011 11:30

It's nobody elses business whether or not your DH gets a job/flies a kite/becomes a chippendale stripper/skips down the high street on every tuesday at 3pm or puts a potty on his head and runs around the garden shouting "I'm a teapot".

You are totally NBU to get irritated and annoyed at people saying such stupid things. Personally, when I've dealt with something similar (I had a long and tough recovery after a major op late last year and was asked 2 weeks after the OP if I intended working again) I've just turned around and said "It's not actually your business, but since you ask, No, not until I'm ready because fortunately, I don't have to work, unlike other people."

They are just rude and ignorant. Ignore them for the morons they are.

pingu2209 · 14/04/2011 11:43

Why are people saying for your dh to get a job? Is he or you complaining you have no money or something similar?

YouaretooniceNOT · 14/04/2011 11:48

YADNBU!

I wonder what people's motives are for the asking?

Is it becasue they suspect he may receive benefits and foolishly believe he might be faking it a bit now he is not as ill as before?

People are so rude, nosey and jealous about money.

I receive jealousy from neighbours because my severe SN child is entitled to a motability car.

I get asked why can i not take him to and from school myself, when i have a car, they do not understand HOW!?

I wouold give anything for my son to not be disabled.

You cannnot put a price on health.

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