To be Annoyed with MIL

[bella1970]

My MIL is a lovely lady, very kind and would do anything for you. She keeps asking to have our two DS's (both under 2) overnight which I'm reluctant to do and here's why.
She smokes in the house, including upstairs. She's morbidly obese, has terrible eyesight and has headaches every day. She also has a terrile diet and eats only take away food. When my eldest DS visits for the afternoon I send him with food as she doesn't have any decent food to give to him. My DP has tried and tried to talk to her about her poor lifestyle but she's in denial and we appreciate you can't change anybody.
I want my children to have a good relationship with her and spend lots of tine with her but it worries me that she won't be able to look after them properly. I so wish I felt differently as she is only the only family who could possibly have them overnight and me and DP haven't had a night away since DS1 was born nearly 3yrs ago.
Am I being unreasonable?? BTW she's 46 years old so hardly a geriatric!

its up to her about her lifestyle choices, she is a grown woman

apart from the smoking, nothing else would worry me about her looking after the kids and its quite disrespectful to send the kid with its own food imo

Does she get a chance to spend time with them apart from overnight?

I dont see a need for children so young to do sleepovers, especially if there is no real reason for it other than to pacify the grandparent.

Why not ask her to come over to you, and babysit, and stay for the night, then you and your partner can go out, kids stay in their own home, you can leave food for all of them, and MIL goes outside to smoke. Everyone is a winner in that scenario.

Can she run after them/pick them up ok etc? That would be another issue apart from the smoking to be honest!

I'd do the same as you and send food with them too, I don't see anything wrong or rude with that, you can just cite fussy toddlers!

I'd not let them stay overnight either in the circumstances, you're being reasonable.

But dearyme would you want your very young dc eating take away every time they went there.

depends how often they go, is it daily in which case no, i wouldnt want them having takeaways daily

is it every other month in which case yes thats ok to have a takeaway every 8 weeks

Why does she have headaches every day?

thanks very much for your responses. Her staying overnight with us is a great idea and one we hadn't thought of. I forgot to add that she has dogs who sleep upstairs and whilst they have always been friendly, it's another reason I'm hesitant to let them stay over.
DS1 goes over for 1/2 day each week and the reason I give him his food to take is so she doesn't need to go out just to get him something that he would eat. I've always thought this to be the decent thing to do.

She's in poor health and gets through boxes of paracetamol for her headaches but won't go to the doctors about them. I think she's fearful of what they might say.
I think part of me is hoping that if we put our foot down about them staying over she might make radical changes to her wellbeing. 46 is no age to look so terrible. her own sister said she looks 'toxic', poor skin, sores that won't heal, hair falling out and very overweight. DS2 is crawling and putting everything in his mouth and her failing eyesight worries me. He doesn't yet go round and stay with his elder brother without me being there to keep an eye on him. Anyway that's a whole new issue. I love her dearly and don't want to upset her.

'why does she have headaches every day?'

Cos she eats nothing but shite presumably?

It sounds as though she might have type 2 diabetes if her eyesight has changed and her sores on her skin won't heal. This would go alongside her weight problem.

She shouldn't be taking too many pain killers - they could give her an ulcer. Has she complained of bad indigestion?

She's no age at all, really. Would she respond to you talking (gently) to her about it?

OP, you sound lovely and you clearly love you MIL (even though you're annyoed with her, and rightly so).

Just tell her. Tell her that you want your children to have a granny, that she's very much needed, that you want her to be fit and well to be able to look after them without you worrying about a) her keeling over and b)them doing a mad toddler dash and there being no way in hell that she'd be able to reach them in time if they were in danger.

You are also right to be worried about the dogs (I adore them) but you just can't ever be sure.

But the main issue here is the state she's got herself into. She has no motivation to change, but if you categorically stated that you all love her and are worried about her, and that her DGC are too much of a handful for her health, then she may pull her finger out and go the GP.

I know how you feel OP - my own Mum's health is rubbish. Has pills (strong opiates) lying around the place - found one loose on the floor when DD3 was 6 months and starting to crawl.

She smokes everywhere, even in the bath, and even though she tried to hide this from me, she fell asleep (drugged stupour) with a cigarette in her hand and it burnt through her clothes and through her skin. She has no feeling in her abdomen after various operations, but she burnt a hole in her belly......

My girls will never sleep there, my Mother thinks she has no problem.