To be annoyed by my mother rewriting history?

[ButterpieandCheese]

She's lovely overall, she really is, so I feel mean, but this has been playing on my mind...

The other day we got talking about school, and she said she beleives in just letting older kids (ie 14+) just get on with schoolwork and approach the adults if they need help, as they need to learn to be independent. Fair enough.

Then she said "there would have been no point trying to keep you in college, you weren't interested in studying and just wanted to be earning money as you were living with your boyfriend"

Err...actually I loved college. I've always been bookish, and the extra freedom (and the library) were brilliant. I was, by that point, already well on the way into mental illness (that my mum knows about - she was the one taking me to appointments, and she knows it has been really serious at points since, so wasn't just general teenage attention seeking) and had had an awful time through bullying and having undiagnosed Dyspraxia (and possibly something else - basically, my brain doesn't work like other people's brains), but college was brilliant because I had the freedom to fit my "quirks" and was top of my classes and finally having the chance to shine.

I left because my Dad saw me at home on one day when I should have been in college. One day. The college had a bit of a culture of bad attendance anyway, and that day was a half day that a lot of people skipped. I know I should have gone, but, ONE DAY. They had never had a bad report, I was only in my second term, I had been taken out of lessons and allowed to study by myself in school as recognition of my difficulties, so I was doing really well to have not missed any up till then.

My Dad shouted at me, told me that I was making my mum ill by my stupid behaviour, and drove me, crying, to the job centre where I had to find a job. Luckily I found one in a library, that meant I only had to miss one day a week of college, but from there it was a slippery slope, and I had stopped attending entirely by the time AS levels came round, and hadn't submitted any coursework until at the last minute, when I put in the minimum. I sat the exams however, and got an A and two Cs.

Now, I know that I need to take responsibility for my own actions, and maybe I should have worked harder and not skived off that time, and they had been having trouble with me for a while (by trouble, I mean that they had to take me to the doctors and see me moping about/listen to me going on and on about whatever I was obsessed with, and I did a bit of sneaking about like all teenagers do, but on the scale of it, nothing major), and so on, but my mum seems to have recast my leaving college (I then signed up with the OU under a special dispensation as I was under 18, and passed the course with flying colours. Never finished my degree though.) as something that I did for my boyfriend, when in actual fact at that point I had only just met him, and it would be a year before we moved in together (the 1st day of the month after I turned 18)

I know she will have been telling this version of her wayward daughter (who then went and got herself pregnant! When I told my mum I was pregnant at 21 - the same age she had me - she immediately made plans to fit me and my baby in the spare room. No mention of now DH in all this.) to all her friends and getting sympathy for how well she has coped.

She also keeps, out of nowhere, telling me that the best thing I can do for my kids is to teach them to be totally normal and not stand out in any way. Just give them the best branded things - don't I remember when I said that the one day people in my class looked at me with respect was when I had the latest trainers? She somehow thinks me saying that was a comment on how nice the trainers were (I didn't even know - it was news to me when the other kids started making a fuss) rather than a comment on the fact that the other kids spent most of the year not touching anything I had touched as I had "germs" apparently.

I had a hellish time as a child, not through one person's fault - I just didn't fit the mould. I just wish somebody would acknowledge that, instead of trying to make it all about how really I just wanted a boyfriend and some nice trainers. When I say I'm nervous about sending DD1 to school (I wanted to HE but can't due to my health) she tells me that she was nervous sending me, but look how much fun I had! That I say I'm more bothered about the kids doing well than them being "normal", she just says that I shouldn't encourage them to stand out, because being top of the class only brings heartache. They should just find a nice man and have babies, because, I love my babies, don't I?

Well, yes I do love them, of course I do. Why couldn't I have had the babies and done well academically? I know I'm no genius, but I was constantly top of the class - my school said I, and my friend, were miles out ahead in our schoolwork of the rest of the year.

Meh. I'm ranting now. Every time I try to bring this up, they just say that I am trying to make out that I'm something I'm not - I apparently say I'm not bothered about material goods, but don't I remember being excited about having ? I do, and I'm not pretending to not like material goods, I'm just saying I would rather my kids went to museums (and enjoyed them) than Disneyland. I would rather have a bookcase than a massive TV. I like feeding my children vegetables at a table. It's not airs and graces, it's just giving them the tools to experience things fully.

I honestly know how you feel, sometimes it makes me and sometimes .

I feel your pain. I think you and must have I led parallel lives in the early days

My mum re-writes history. She admits that she has a shite memory but she insists that she is Always Right About The Important Stuff

My mother has never admitted she was wrong about anything ever.
But perception is subject to subjective viewpoints, it only annoys people like my and your mother when you try to tell them that there might have been an alternative to the way they remember things. Not much you can do about it though.
When given advice that I don't agree with I tend to nod and agree and then do whatever I was going to do anyway. It makes life easier for all involved.

Sometimes rewriting history can be about regret.

Yes this is frequently done in my family too; and yet again Hecate is right it is often about regret and that person making dodgy things from the past ok in their own minds. That said - I really do think you have given far too much thought to this and you seem to have over processed it. Not a criticism of you but you should try to let it flow over you a little. You wait 'til she gets in her 80's like my Nan - crikey they are even worse (she is mad as cheese)

Please try not to take it to heart - it is much more a comment about herself than about you

I wonder if she feels guilty at your undiagnosed special needs and the help you should have had throughout school and clearly didn't get. I'm sure these will have led to the bullying and perhaps your later mental health issues. I'm sure she is aware that she, and indeed your dad, could have done much more to have supported you. I think she may tell a different story because it is easier for her to try and believe that than the truth.

I hope you can move on from this and bring your children up the way you wish. You sound like you are doing a good job.

Oh this hits a nerve with me. My sister and I had a horrific childhood and it's with sheer strength of personality and goodness knows what else that we've turned out into (most of the time) well adjusted individuals. Our Mother has a completely different view of the past and will refute anything we know as fact happened. Constantly. She goes out of her way to have herself viewed as a pillar of the community. No-one would guess by her persona what she was like as a "mother" to us two growing up.

We DID manage to have a conversation years ago with her where she expressed regret but since then this seems to have been blocked. By that I believe she has wiped her own memory, created new ones and honestly believes them.

It took me a long time to forgive her for the past but I did. Not for her sake but for mine as it was eating me up inside and I was determined that my childhood would NOT shape my or my childs future. Twas a revelation for me. I'd be lying if I said that it still doesn't hurt or bite me on the bum but, on the whole, I have reconciled with it/myself.

Funnily enough she is a fantastic Grandmother. Whether that's out of guilt or whatever, I can't deny it. I rather think she is trying to make it up somehow by being the best she can with my child, like a second chance.

I agree with the others - upsetting, irritating, but you're best nodding and ignoring it. I wonder whether your mum has something from her own teenage years that she regrets very deeply? She seems to be trying to fix something through both your own teenage years and your children?

I totally relate to this too. My parents actually removed me from school half way through my Alevels as my brother was expelled for a drug related incident (which i had nothing to do with). It was a terrible time but my parents still now feel he was badly treated and ended up having to be sent away to school. They think I went off the rails as I ended up working in a pub and moving in with a friend. Nevermind that I then went back to college, went on to University and had a very decent career before getting married and having my children. Still now my parents feel that he had it so tough and that I have had it easy (DH has a good job and I don't have to go back to work so can be a SAHM). Now he is married and has a baby this continues and they are very helpful to them. My DH cannot believe that over time history has been rewritten that my brother was the victim in this situation (even though he followed it with about 10 years of drink, drug and behaviour that involved the police on occasion). I just managed to get on with my life despite them (and with several periods of therapy and anti-depressants) and now I think they are all bit jealous.

I didn't mean to prattle on about myself but I do really hope that you will feel that you are not the only one. I think we get stuck in these patterns of behaviour with our parents. It is hard but I have just decided over that last few years that it is better to distance myself from my mother. It is not a healthy relationship and ultimately makes me unhappy.

My parents like to chuckle that I was "so independent" that I left home at 16 and they didn't even notice at first! Ha ha!

Yeahhh... there is absolutely nothing more to that story.

I thought I was the only one whose mother rewrites history! Do you have siblings? I deal with my mum by offloading to my sibling and my dh and telling myself that she has blanks the things she did because she regrets them and makes up things she didn't do because she can see in hindsight that she should have done them. I can also see now that her parenting was affected by her abusive upbringing and having that adult understanding helps too.

Ah yes, the re-writing of history.

DH was apparently a wild teenager, who my ILs had to keep in line.

We often call them on the fact that he was in fact a straight A student, who went to uni, got a great job, got married and looks after his family.
No drugs, no pregnant grilfriends, no trouble with the police...

But they don't want to admit that they were strict and often violent to him for no good reason. The cite the odd ciggie and late night as concrete proof of his waywardness.

I often tell them that if that's the worst my DC get up to then I'll thank my lucky stars.

I've had more luck with my own DM and she now accepts that my father's alcoholism and both their mental health problems didn't make for the perfect childhood.
Though she would still rather dwell on the one time he took me to a play rather than the regular occassions he tol dme he was going to top himself.

One incident springs to mind....

What actually happened-
I had been caught playing truant and the headmaster gave me a letter to take home to my mum outlining my wrongdoings. I knew it was futile not to give it to her so braced myself. She opened it then whacked me across the face. Feeling defiant I said "Well I may as well tell you now that I smoke as well". Cue another whack the other side of my face.

What SHE says happened-
She came home with a letter from the headmaster. I thought it would be something bad but upon opening it, it was to tell me she had got the highest marks in the school!!! I was soooo proud!!!!!!!

Apart from it being a blatant lie she paints THE rosiest picture she can in an effort to convince people she was a fab parent and I was a straight A student. I never got higher than C's in anything apart from English.

It is infuriating. My mother does it, and it drives me batty.

BUT I let it go. She was there. She knows what happened, so rather than start an argument I just refuse to engage with conversations based on her fantasies of my childhood. I just change the subject. I've moved on and am very happy with my life as it is now - I have no reason to revisit the past and it doesn't sound like you do either, OP.

Enjoy what you have now.

God yes. My mother never smacked us and believed in letting us have our independence and make our own choices.

This contrasts rather sharply with my memory of being smacked, slapped in the face until I was about 16 and called lots of vile names. I also remember being stood over and screamed at to do things she wanted done. Eating dinner whilst sobbing and unable to swallow, tear stained homework etc.

My suicide attempt and severe depression from 14 onwards never happened. I was just "over dramatic".

I also apparently was very good and didn't get involved with boys until I went to university, this was because I was so focused on school work. No, it's because I had girlfriends instead.

I was actually a straight A student and went to a good university and got a 2.1. But I didn't go to the university I wanted or study what I wanted, couldn't have been more different. In fact, I didn't even do the A level I wanted, I was forced to drop it after AS. This is because I was told I'd be cut off without a penny and left to fend for myself if I went ahead with it. I knew no one who'd left home or supported themselves, so I panicked and did what I was told. This also never happened according to my parents.

Mum did pay for my degree and living expenses, but because she likes to be seen by everyone else as the kind, indulgent mother-type. I am very grateful for that, but not for the fact that I am never allowed to forget it, or that she plays the most spectacular martyr role for her friends for anything she does to help me.

For example, for our wedding she apparently did all the catering and slaved away for hours. I think not. What she did actually do was scream at me as soon as she arrived at reception, make me cry and call me a bitch before storming off; she'd never seen me "look so full of happiness" as I did on my wedding day.

Butterpieandcheese, it's so hard when they have rewritten history for you and you just know it didn't happen like that.

There's probably no point in arguing. You won't change their minds about what happens. But you can still be bookish/academic if you want to, as well as have children. It sounds like you were excellent at the OU, so that is always one route.

I don't think it's unreasonable to be cross at your parents' rewriting of history, but is it unreasonable to let it completely define you now. As for your mum's view on what children should achieve (don't stand out, don't be the top of the class), I can only say I profoundly disagree!

I think it's defensiveness, in a way. They can't believe they were so shitty so they block it out.

I was taught to be independent from a young age, apparently.

Erm. Yeah. Doing ALL the housework while you sat on your bum watching tv all day is not 'learning' anything. It's surviving you jumped up [rage]

I'm not past the anger point, I'll be honest.

I just avoid her. I'm not interested in lies, and I don't want DD being convinced any of her crap was normal or good.

My mum does this and its so infuriating (we don't speak anymore).

She used to leave us with a man she KNEW had sex with children - she claims she never left us with anyone - i clearly remember otherwise! (i should add I wasn't abused - but no thanks to my mum!)

We were forced to call my stepfather 'dad' from day one (despite already having a dad!) and the same man beat my 'wild' brother until he left home (was kicked out and put into care!) at 12. He'd ground him for 6 weeks for trivial things and make him do every last day. I once stood and watched my SF beat my brother with a wooden mallet from his toy tool chest - his crime? not wearing his school blazer on the way home from school (NOBODY wore blazers at the school - he made him wear it to humiliate him).

My brother has since killed himself. The rewriting of history has gone into overdrive since his death - guilt makes people do weird things I guess.

Another one here.

Borderline alcoholic, abusive at times, downright neglectful - particularly to my (much) younger brother and sister, to the point where my now MIL thought she would end up looking after them for me because Social Services were surely going to decide my mum couldn't keep them, and I was at Uni, so couldn't have had them.

Is that how she tells it - of course not.

And even scarier, she's now giving me parenting advice for my 14 month DD, under the guise of 'well, I didn't do too bad a job with you!'.

Oh, mother, get real!

They all do it in one form or another. Mine is nowhere near as frightening as some of these stories, but my mum will still swear blind that she only ever smacked me twice (a lie), and deny that I broke my ankle when I was 12. I have no idea why the ankle injury has to be glossed over, as it happened at school, but she will repeatedly claim that it was never broken, I just fell over during PE. I now know not to bring the subject up.

yet another one here

My mother has re written not only my entire childhood, but that of pretty much the whole family to suit her own agenda.
Bieng born very working class and making it her life ambition to be seen as very middle class, there was alot of pompous pretending, and a definate attitude of "well if ive got money I cant possibly be a bad parent". And believe me people have agreed with that.

I have things brought up now to deliberatly piss me off I think, like, "oh darling hubby, wasnt it funny when she used to....." as if it was hilarious that I had a complete mental breakdown by the age of 14 because of their selfish behaviours.

good tip for anyone with these issues.....read Oliver James they f*uck you up.

Makes you realise just exactly how and why they did this.

Yes nullius, mine definitely had a "well we spend money on you, so we must be good parents" attitude.

They still act like that. I used to try to refuse everything which led to huge arguments and lots of accusations of ingratitude, until DH (the least materialistic person I know) got so sick of watching me be upset about not having parents who cared said to just accept it. He says it's the only way they know of showing love and it's the only thing I'm going to get from them now :(

Oh how I laughed when they told me we didn't have a good relationship because I don't hug them. [anger]

FlingonTheValiant.....it seems to be a common problem.

What annoys me more is that other people accept that as an excuse aswell.
I had an incident where neighbours called police after I was violently attacked by both parents. Social services also came out, and told me I should be gratefull that I live in "such a nice house, many children dont live in nice areas like this y'know"

And then people wonder why I hate social workers.
I agree with your DH in a way, I thought at one point, well if you want to throw cash at me, fine Ill just take it. Im not going to get any bloody parenting.