To contact my sil about a huge family issue that in not meant to really know about?

[ilikeyoursleeves]

ok, brace yourself. I won't go into all the details but dh told me that his sisters H was recently arrested for rape. They have been married for only a few years. There is a background of domestic violence pre marriage but he somehow managed to charm his way back into the familys good books over the years, although we have always remained way of him but saw him to maintain contact with dhs family.

As much as I love my in laws I think it's crazy that they keep huge secrets-dhs other sister told him about this recent assault, but told him not to tell anyone. So the sister who is directly affected doesn't know we know but I feel awful for her, absolutely awful & just want to offer support. I just can't see how we can all go on pretending all is well when her husband has suddenly disappeared!

I'm really not sure what to do, should I contact sil or leave it all alone? Or maybe contact my other sil who told my dh? Its such a horrible situation for sil I feel so bad for her.

The poor woman probably doesnt want everyone talking about her. What does your husband think you should do?

That's not a good situation - but I'm sure you know that.

The "secret keeping", I guess, colludes in protection of a man with a history of DV, and, it would seem, rape.

For the immediate situation, it sounds as though you are not close enough to your SIL to actually offer support - is that correct? It also sounds as though it would be rebuffed - is that correct? So I am wondering what support you would actually be able to give.

What sort of support do you have in mind, and think you could realistically offer?

Or is it rather that you feel the secrecy is unhealthy and collusive?

Perhaps just contact her with a text or note to say that you are thinking of her and if she needs to talk she knows where you are?

I think in this situation it should be your husband who should offer support - he shouldn't do it on the phone, but face-to-face, so that if she gets upset he's there to help her.

What an awful situation for her.

Not really a text situation, is it tulpe?

Secret keeping in families is awful and damaging and rarely turns out to have been helpful leading as it does to speculation, misunderstanding and half truths.

If she knows that your dh knows then she will have assumed that he has told you?
If it were me I would say to her that I am aware that she is going through a dreadful time and if I could help in any way I would gladly do so.
Then leave it at that.
If you want to help her don't discuss it with extended family and encourage them not to do so either. Whatever else is going on she will not wish to be the subject of gossip

She opened up to me about the previous dv & I work with victims of sexual assault so I guess I would want her to know I'm here should she want to talk. I know she has her friends for supportthough, I just feel a bit helpless but I would obv respect her choice if she doesn't want us to know or talk to her about it.

Maybe a note then, rather than a phone call, saying what you've just said? That you're there, but no pressure. And that you'll be there in the future. But in the meantime you'll be happy to talk about kids/clothes/whatever if she prefers?

I still think it's the role of your husband to go round there, though. He can remind her of what you've been told by her, but he needs to be physically there to put his arms around her.

And yes, I'd avoid discussing it with the extended family. Although she shouldn't, I imagine she'd feel ashamed and embarrassed and she'd hate to think it was being discussed.

Could you arrange to go for a coffee and see if she wants to talk, if she doesn't mention it she's not ready so you'll know where you stand?

When did she tell you about the previous dv? And she hasn't told you (or your husband) about this though?

I'm wondering if there's a reason why she has chosen not to tell you and your dh, perhaps because of your work? Could be shame, embarassment, fear of judgement, anything.

I like StewieGriffinsmums suggestion. How does that feel to you?

let her know you are there to talk and to support her and let her take it from there, go round and speak to her

You don't have to go along with the secret keeping in the family if you dont want to. I know it's the way they do things but if you don't agree to it no one can make you play along.

I'd do what some of the others suggest and contact her offering support but leave the ball in her court.

I think she will probably be utterly horrified at what her husband has done & therefore feel shame & embarrassment. My mil & fil haven't mentioned either, I think due to similar feelings. I'm not quite sure what to say at mils easter lunch when sils h won't be there.

Don't second guess what she is thinking, read SGM's suggestion and see if you can engineer that. Of course she needs support. The poor woman.

Act on this BEFORE the MIL lunch.

Surely keeping quiet just intensifies her feeling of shame and embarrassment?
You need to make it clear that you don't hold her responsible or judge her because of her H's actions. You need to form a united front with her. She must feel so alone.
As to who should so it, I would say whoever she is closer to/feels most able to talk to.
Just because your DH is her brother doesn't mean they are that close or have that open kind of relationship - if they are close enough though he would be first choice. Whoever goes needs to make it clear they are also the messenger for the other though.
So sad.

I think you should say something, but like other posters have suggested, maybe send your DH round there with his support first. But then, if this happened to my SIL we'd both be round there like a shot as we're all quite close. It is tricky, but I think your SIL might well appreciate the support from both you and her brother, but I do think your DH ought to be the one to first go to see her. Maybe send a note in a card or something with him saying that if she wants to talk you're available?

Your poor SIL

I should have mentioned that the main reason DH and I are so close to his sister, my SIL is because she was a victim of DV at the age of 16 (already a mum to her ex-partners little boy) and her mum had told her not to tell anyone. She'd also told her not to report it, but to go and "talk" to him. The man who'd fractured her leg and given her two black eyes and a head wound . We finally found out and SIL suddenly realised that she had allies against her parents and his and became much stronger as a result.
I thought it relevent as you say OP that her mum seems to want to keep this a secret, even though IMO she ought to know your DH would share with you. My MIL still finds it strange that DH and I share things in our marriage, but I digress.