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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be angry about this comment?

41 replies

flippintired · 12/04/2011 20:16

Today I went on an outing with a friend. I took 5 of my 6 ( age 11 to 4) children, she took her 3 children. She also invited along another friend of hers. I have never met her before and she had her 1 child ( age 4) and her husband.
We all seemed to have a jolly day on the beach, all the children playing. I tried to make conversation with the other women. She was polite but pretty frosty and didn't seem interested in talking to me. Didn't bother me in the slightest.
As we got back to the car park other woman and husband said goodbyes and went off. My friend came back to my house for a cuppa.
Now my friend started talking about not being sure whether inviting her other friend was the right thing to do. This woman has one child despite having tried for another has not been successful. She is now 44 so it looks unlikely. And she wants to adopt.
I asked why she thought it was a mistake.
So my friend tells me that the other couple had bumped into her husband later that afternoon ( he had phoned her) and had referred to me as someone
" who obviously couldn't keep her legs shut"

My friend was concerned her friend had been disturbed and upset by being around me because I have lots of children. Like I have ffing done something wrong and am somehow responsible for this woman's feelings.

I said that was a particulary bitchy and unpleasant comment to make. That this woman obviously felt hurt and angry that she couldn't have any more and somehow that made me too lazy to stop having children?
I pointed out that each one of my 6 was as dearly wanted as any children could be. I had endured many miscarriages and much heartache to get what I have.
I also pointed out that starting to try for a family at 40 (as this woman had done) was pretty risky.
As the evening has worn on I'm more and more pissed off with this bloody woman.
How dare anyone assume I have 6 kids because I couldn't be arsed to reduce the number I do have.
I
f she were here now I'd give a piece of my mind. As it happens It is unlikely that I will ever see her again.
It shouldn't bother me,her comment but it does.

Sorry needed to vent

OP posts:

EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 20:39

this is an example methinks, where the messenger should be shot

what on earth did your "friend" think she would achieve by passing this along to you ?

she should have just kept her stupid trap shut

I presume that you were not suddenly going to become bezzie mates with this other woman, so why stick the knife in like that ?

christ, some people want shooting

Tangoromeooscarlimalima · 12/04/2011 20:40

Is your name a euphemism for Feggy Ucker?

EggyFucker · 12/04/2011 20:41

erm, no

ZillionChocolate · 12/04/2011 20:43

Goodness me, you've had sex six times? You slut!

Reindeerbollocks · 12/04/2011 20:44

Your friend should have confronted the woman when she first aired this nasty opinion. She definitely should not have let her get away with it, and then pass the information on to you. That's harsh and unfair.

But yes, the comment was wholly unnecessary and nasty.

Hatesponge · 12/04/2011 20:44

The one who made the comment is clearly a bitter, disappointed woman. Please don't give her or what she said a second thought.

As to your friend, she's a bit of a cow tbh. I would be pissed off for her for repeating a story you would obviously find hurtful. Some friend!

I've got a friend who was terrible for stirring like this - we used to have a mutual friend who I fell out with some years ago. Stirring friend is still pally with her, and would keep dropping in little (nasty) comments that ex-friend apparently made about me - usually along the lines of how she was glad she waited to have children when she was married to the right person, rather than have 2 kids with 'anyone' (mine have different dads) like I did ....in the end I told stirring friend I couldn't give a flying fuck what ex-friend thought of me, and that if she let her say stuff like that about me she was no friend of mine. She's never mentioned ex-friend since.

berylmuspratt · 12/04/2011 20:47

Blimey I've had fertility probs but would never even think anything like that never mind say it. What a nasty remark to make and pretty nasty telling you about it too.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 12/04/2011 20:55

I am confused. How did yout friends husband bump into the couple later in the afternoon and call your friend? When you had all said goodbye and your friend had gone to yours with you?

Original poster

flippintired · 12/04/2011 21:15

Lost a post, how annoying.
Yes friend does gossip, especially about another good friend of hers. I know all the details of her private life, marriage issues etc. I know she will be talking about me and it makes me wary. It's such a shame. I wanted to have a friend with whom I could comfortably share problems and thoughts.
I know i have to give her as little to go ona as possible.

i am wondering whether she didn't realise the comment was bitchy. She said she told me because she was concerned about her other friend. That this other woman was obviously upset because she had said this about me and had it been a mistake/ insensitive of here to invite this woman considering she had fertility issues and I had loads of kids.
I don't think it occur to her that the comment would be offensive to me.But it should have occurred to her.
SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets sorry this is a bit hazy for me too. My friend's husband is self employed and often out and about. How he bumped into these people I'm not too sure. TBH I was so shocked about the comment I didn't ask. Obviously friend's husband thought it was information worth passing on

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2011 21:27

It was hurtful, Eggy, but I'd hazard the guess that your 'friend' actually thinks this of you and has deflected the comment from herself, attributing it to someone else.

A real friend would keep quiet and just resolve to keep you and this other woman apart for future trips.

As the others have said also.... if this 'friend' is gossiping about others to you, she's gossiping about you to others too.

HerHissyness · 12/04/2011 21:27

I'm appalled at the pair of them. ONE the friend with the 1 DC and the comment, but TWO the fact that the messenger thought that she perhaps ought to have considered the bitchy friend's feelings about inviting you and your family.

I'd be HORRIFIED if a friend said this about another friend and having had many MC myself and resigned to the fact that DS is an only, (kicked X out, am 43) I'd never feel that about anyone and I'd have torn that woman to pieces for having said it about you. Sorry, but FUCK the other friend, What a truly nasty minded person, and what a small minded messenger. I'd take a big back step away from the pair of them.

Loonytoonie · 12/04/2011 21:37

I can relate to a very small extent - am not a hugely sociable animal but having children has made me want to spend time in other Mum's companies just so that my little one's don't grow up feeling isolated. I thought I'd met a like minded Mum at a toddler group years ago, but quickly saw how much she gossiped. I remember confiding in her one day after a petty row with DH (one which left me tearful and hormonal) and to get sympathetic noises and gestures from another 'friend' the next time we met up - how badly he treated me (eh?) and if you ever need anyone (wtf??). We still have contact but certainly at arms length. Trust and loyalty is everything.

Sorry - bit of an off-topic ramble there OP.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 12/04/2011 21:42

I am with LyingWitch....she's gne to too much effort to tell you that comment.

Original poster

flippintired · 12/04/2011 21:48

I even checked with my friend when we were at the beach. I asked if the other woman had any other children, perhaps much older, just incase, because it would have been part of normal getting to know someone chit chat. I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to put my foot in it you know?

OP posts:

mylovelymonster · 12/04/2011 22:00

WOW! SIX children. Am in awe. I know someone with five, and she has the body of a supermodel and the smile of an angel. I try to hate her, but she's too amazing
Which beach did you go to?

Panda1234 · 12/04/2011 22:18

I think that you criticising her for leaving it too late to have a second, or to start a family or whatever, is being just as judgey as she was of you. After all, you don't know her circumstances any more than she knows yours.

That's not an excuse for her making nasty comments to start with though, but I don't think bitching about it to your 'friend' was a smart move. She seems to enjoy stirring it.

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