To be worried about this?

[dontmarryadrinker]

Right, will try to keep this short.

Ex and I have no legal arrangement in place for access to dc. He sees them whenever he wants to and so far this has worked out ok for us.

However he has a family wedding coming up that he wants to take them to alone. I have no problems with this apart from the fact that he is an extremely heavy drinker, I believe he is an alcoholic, he goes on benders where he drinks for 3 - 5 days and we hear nothing from him, he comes back not even knowing what day it is. This is the main reason I left him so my kids wouldnt see this. There is no way that he will not drink at this wedding and most of his family members are the same. In the past I have always been there to keep control of the situation and prevent the kids from seeing him drunk. When drunk he is totally incapable. There is no way that he would have one or two, it just won't happen. It never has before, why would it now? The wedding is two hours drive away. My dc are 7 and 4 and one has autism, they will have aunts and uncles there who would be responsible for them but I just don't want this situation to happen, it is too risky, too much can go wrong. Even if one of the aunts would be willing to take charge, how can she overrule ex as their father if he makes risky decisions about the dc because he has had a couple.

So far I am seriously considering booking a room at the venue and hiding out there so that I am close by or just pissing off with the dc for the weekend when he is expecting to take them away. I have tried to talk to him about my concerns but all he says is that he has given up drink now for two days so far and it won't be a problem.

What would you do?

Tell him that 2 days is not enough to allay your fears, and whilst in the future, you would be happy with him having them alone once he has been dry for a decent length of time, experience tells you that it is just too soon.

I have but he is in total denial. In in a way this is what drives the contact whenever he wants. I could not consider going down a regular, stipulated contact arrangement as he would want them overnight by himself and I just do not trust him with them because of his drinking. In the past he drank so much that he locked me out, I came back at about 11 at night and he was so drunk that I woke my kids with the doorbell, they could not wake him and I had to call the fire brigade to break down the door because my kids were too small to open it and I could hear them crying inside. His answer is always the same though, "Ihave stopped now" or "its under control now" and it just isnt.

If you are concerned for your children's safety just say no.
Don't hide out at the hotel.

Saying No is going to cause a whole world of trouble, it is actually very hard to say NO to the other parent. But I suppose it needs to be confronted head on at this stage .

Thanks, I think I just wanted some confirmation that I am not being a controlling ex wife, this is what he tried to indicate ie that I was worried he was going to take someone else to the wedding and I was trying to control the situation. I wish he would bloody well meet someone else and lose interest in us a bit!

Could you book the room and say that this way the kids can go to the service, have dinner and then back to the room before they are too tired? Try to play up the idea that you're letting him have them, but taking away the hassle of overtired children while trying to enjoy the wedding himself. I know he'll probably see right through it, but worth a shot!
YANBU btw

Hide out in a hotel? It's all too cloak and dagger for me, with too much potential for everything to go horribly wrong.

Why not just tell him no, on the grounds that you believe that he will drink too much to be capable of caring for your DC. If he doesn't like it, tough, you aren't there to please him, you're there to safeguard your children.

You should say no

Never mnd that it causes "trouble"

Colluding with an alcoholic's denial is wrong...but you know that better than I do

Tell him no and tell him why

The children's safety is both your responsibility, but he has proved before he is not responsible, so you will have to retain control

It is shit that you can't trust the kid's faher with them, but the fact is that you cannot

Imagine something happened ? Is it worth appeasing him for that ?

Going to the hoel and hiding out is daft...will you have to do it every time there is a family occasion until the kids can look after themselves ?

no

you don't let them go, and tell him precisely why

Feeling stronger, thanks. It will be a big, fat no but I am not looking forward to the row.

Good luck and stick to your guns

The fallout is not your doing, it is his

If you could trust him, it would be very different, wouldn't it