AIBU?
to have asked my neighbour to move her trampoline?
DaffodilsAndScillas · 12/04/2011 12:18
This all happened a little while ago and although I was a bit upset about it, I was pretty confident that I wasn't BU. But last night I read the thread on here about trampolines, and it made me wonder whether my expectations are out of kilter with everyone else's...so....
My next door neighbour has a large trampoline for her DS, which was sited on the opposite side of her garden to ours. It's a bit noisy, yes, but it hasn't ever bothered me; I like hearing her DS enjoying himself. Then they moved the trampoline so that it was up against our fence. The fence on that side is our responsibility, and it is bowed due to the pressure of her shrubs and trees against it (I have asked her to prune them back but she didn't do so enough to stop the bowing). There's no guard on the trampoline, so I was a bit concerned that someone was going to bounce off it onto the fence, and saw the fence shaking a few times. Her DS was leaning on the fence too, carrying out shouted conversations with the boy on the other side of us (ie across the garden). The noise when he and friends were on there was suddenly very very intrusive; it sounded like they were actually in my garden, and things were getting dropped over the fence onto my pond and plants.
I decided to ask my neighbour if she could move it back to the other side of the garden (her neighbour on that side is a housebound lady who doesn't use her garden). My relationship with my neighbour (call her X) has been really good, bordering on friendship, although I've always felt it was pretty one sided (hence I say 'bordering on'). X is an 'asker' - she's comfortable asking for favours that I wouldn't dream of doing - and I've felt bad saying no to things she's asked me in the past, even when I've thought she was being a bit cheeky; driving her on a hundred mile round trip in rush hour to collect something she'd got on freecycle (she did offer the petrol money 
), or borrowing my camera to take out. So because she's an asker, I thought she wouldn't mind my asking her to move the trampoline back. Next time X came round to borrow something, I said
"While you're here..... could you possibly move the trampoline back to the other side of the garden?". She asked why, and I explained about the fence, and added
"Also, it's really noisy". I also asked if there was any reason she'd moved it in the first place, and she said no, her DS had done so. All fine, I thought.
Five days later it was the weekend and she hadn't moved it. Saturday afternoon sitting in my garden, her DS and his friend on it making loads of noise. X was there along with her bloke and his friend, so I went round. Her bloke answered the door and I said
"Hiya, I wondered if you'd mind moving the trampoline over the other side of the garden - I did ask X about it earlier in the week and she said it was fine". X was in the kitchen and then said
"Yes I said I would Daffodils but I haven't had time" in a really narky tone. I said
"Well could you do it now?" (thinking that there were three adults there and two boys, so it would only take a minute) to which she replied
"I'm busy Daffodils - I'll do it when I'm ready" in a really narky tone. I walked away, as I did so saying
"It sounds like they're in my fucking garden, X"
I was really pissed off at the way she spoke to me. I feel like I've done a lot for her in the past; I used to have her DS round here (he's a fair bit older than my DD) on a regular basis when she wasn't back in time to meet his taxi, and it's still not unusual for her to ring me at home time and ask if I can go and check him. I've run errands for her, listened to her endlessly talking about her relationship woes, and for the last year and a half, they've had free use of my internet after I gave her my router password because she said she couldn't afford internet access and her DS needed it for school etc. She's never offered a contribution or gift, but her DS has come round several times to tell me if he can't access it!
I came back round and tbh thought 'fuck you - all this and you won't even do one thing I ask of you without giving me loads of attitude; that's the last favour I do for you!' So I changed my internet password.
X moved the trampoline, and then posted a note through the door saying 'Perhaps if you speak to people with respect, you will gain the respect you deserve. Love, light and blessings, X', which made me hoot with astonishment, since I felt that it was her who had spoken with utter disrespect. Since then, she has pointedly ignored me, and when I've said hello she has grunted in response. I thought this was a bit childish - we still have to be neighbours after all. It has bothered me, as I don't like having bad feeling with people, and I'd wondered how I could have handled it better. I've been telling myself though, that this is her issue, and I won't be dragged into some feud.
But then reading the thread about trampolines, people seemed outraged that anyone could even consider asking someone to move their trampoline. So was I being unreasonable to ask?
nijinsky · 12/04/2011 12:21
This is why I live in the countyside with no near neighbours. Its so peaceful! My muck heap and horsebox annoy no-one. YABU a bit. Your neighbours are in their own garden enjoying themselves. Surely you have to expect this sort of thing if you do have neighbours whose garden borders on yours?
WalterFlipschicks · 12/04/2011 12:23
I don't think you have handled in an unreasonable way, and I think she was rude and narky, maybe you caught her at a bad time. Doesn't excuse her rattyness.
I would whinge about this to my DH if it was me and never say anything, whilst wanting to, so I admire your bravery!
She will get over it when she wants to 'ask' next!
DaffodilsAndScillas · 12/04/2011 12:28
Our gardens are about 25ft wide by 70ft long. The difference between the original position and the position by my fence was only 15 - 20 ft (the trampoline is about 10ft, I guess) isn't much, but the difference it made in terms of the noise and intrusiveness was huge.
animula · 12/04/2011 12:33
Ouch.
From what you've posted (and of course, it is only a snapshot) you seem to be walking through life as a "giver", and you've met a "taker" next door. That's OK: there are benefits to being a giver, and to be a giver, you need someone to accept the things you give. And vice versa.
But the fact you're fretting about whether you could have handled it better says to me that you are a bit to "give-y". It's a hard thing, but you can learn a bit from your neighbour here, and, in this instance, don't worry too much if you have caused offence/trouble/etc. She didn't worry about the consequences when she wrote the snarky little ending, did she? she just expected you to read it, and move on.
You can be like that too - a bit - intemittently - certainly in this instance.
It doesn't mean it's going to degenerate into "Neighbour Wars" or whatever - it just means you have license to treat her as though she has a very thick skin.
For what it's worth, I think that bit in the letter was rude and shcokingly patronising. It's over the border of intimacy, and treating you as though you were a child or a member of the serving class. A nasty glimpse into the head of someone who doesn't understand/care about respect for others/boundaries OR has zero social skills.
But it doesn't really matter. The trampoline is moved. You can throw the letter in the bin and forget all about it. Tomorrow is another day, and hurrah!, is likely to be sunny.
Silverstar2 · 12/04/2011 12:37
If the trampoline is damaging your fence then of course you should ask for it to be moved back.
YANBU. When she said she was too busy to move it, you should have said brightly.. ' oh that's ok, X, I understand - look there is four of us here, lets do it now so I can help'........ with a big sweet smile of course, he he.
DaffodilsAndScillas · 12/04/2011 12:38
nijinsky I really wish I could afford to live in the country with no near neighbours! I expect neighbours to have a trampoline, but under the circs I described, I guess I expected her to be happy to move it back where it was before...
Curry I'm sure I was cheery the first time. The second time - I was polite and smiled, but I'm not sure I was cheery.
chiclett she hasn't asked, and I assume the reason she's ignoring me is because she realised that I've changed my password. I thought her DS might come round and ask, as it's him who uses it the most (and I do feel sorry for him that this has affected him), and I decided to say
"I'm really sorry, but I think it's time your mum got her own internet access sorted out now."
animula · 12/04/2011 12:43
For what it's worth (my tuppence) you do sound a leetle as though you didn't ask with the clear expectation that your neighbour had the right to refuse. She does, really; it being her garden and all. Which means you need to acknowledge that her moving the trampoline is a "gift"/act of neighbourly generosity.
My guess is that she felt rather cross, and that she was being "told" to move it, by a neighbour who felt she had "bought" the right to tell her what to do with her garden through small things like internet access.
Though I think she handled it a bit badly bit the snarky addendum.
A little less sharing, and a small cooling off period, with politeness on both sides will, I'm sure, return all to harmony.
DaffodilsAndScillas · 12/04/2011 12:46
animula I think you're right, and I don't mind being a giver at all; but when I do ask for something (not often, because I don't feel comfortable doing so), I'm a bit 
if that is refused by someone I feel I've given quite a lot to.
"it just means you have license to treat her as though she has a very thick skin." That's just the thing though - I asked her cheerfully but directly in the first place because that's always how she asks for things. With someone else I would probably have said "I'm so sorry to ask and I know it's a big favour but could you possibly...." etc etc. Now I wonder whether that would have got the job done without all this unpleasantness?
K999 I assumed that since it wasn't my computer they were using, it wouldn't be a problem? Although I guess they're accessing something illegal via my server, then my server wouldn't know it wasn't me, would they? I only just thought of that! 
Soupdragon which bit was rude?
whatsallthehullaballoo · 12/04/2011 12:46
ergh - I have a neighbour like this! Take take take - it starts to wear thin after a while. YABNU at all. In fact you have been very friendly and accommodating to her and her family. Why do people think they are always entitled to ask for things that they do not deserve.
Keep yourself to yourself and enjoy your new found peace! I think I shall be doing the same.
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