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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

In wanting to lol at my in laws

19 replies

ohokthen · 12/04/2011 11:01

And tell them to kiss my big fat ass.
My in laws, have a tdendancy to treat me like the x wife instead of the widow of there eldest son.
Anyway at the moment like everyone else. I am struggling to make ends meet. My son starts high school in september.
Anyway every bit of spare cash i have had since january has been Spent on stuff he will need for september.

obviously i in no way can afford to do all this in one go.

I have left to pay 2 school trips to the value of 400 left to pay for. And his y6 leavers disco. Which i am struggling to pay for. Not to mention school sports clubs, Which always seem to spring up at this time of year.

I have started buying his clothes from local charity shops, in order to save the pennys.
They frequently buy him crap that he doesnt need or clothes that he wont wear. Make promises that they dont keep. They promise to take him to the family caravan but havnt from my hubby being here.
Sometimes it would be nice if they offered to help out. Like they do with the other gc.

Yesterday they présented me with a high school tie. There i was told that will do him wont it. At first i Thought oh they are helping out.
Then reality set in fil had found it in the street. So he brought it home for his gc!!!!

I dont expect ooodles of them. But just occasionally an offer of help when Its really needed would be nice.

OP posts:

GloriaSmut · 12/04/2011 11:02

YABU in wanting to "lol" at anyone.

whatsallthehullaballoo · 12/04/2011 11:08

They should be treating your dc's the same as their other grandchildren. I do think they should help you out a little more with childcare etc.

However, your expenditure sounds very high - children do not have to go on every school trip or sportsclubs!! Surely you need to explain to them that there is a limit to funds etc.

dearyme · 12/04/2011 11:10

what did they say when you asked them to help out?

GeekCool · 12/04/2011 11:10

Sorry he picked a tie up off the street as a suitable gift/help?

Salmotrutta · 12/04/2011 11:15

Well, I suppose a lot depends on their own circumstances doesn't it? Are they comfortably off or just managing themselves? Maybe they think you are managing fine and don't want to "offend" by offering help?
They obviously do buy things frequently but you say he doesn't need it or wouldn't wear it.
Would they take great offence if you asked about exchanging these things for stuff he does need/want? If you said "That's really kind of you to think of "X" but would you mind if he exchanged it for "A,B or C" which he desperately needs for school"?
They maybe just need pointing in the "right direction" regarding gifts.

Original poster

ohokthen · 12/04/2011 11:18

Deary me, i would never to them to help. Cause i know what there response would be

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 12/04/2011 11:19

And - agreeing with dearyme - have you actually asked them for any help?

Salmotrutta · 12/04/2011 11:19

Sorry - X-Post!

Original poster

ohokthen · 12/04/2011 11:28

They normally buy him stuff in school hols. February was a £10 pair of fingerless bike gloves Which where being worn and lost within a week. And a waterproof pair of pants and jacket for him to wear at skatepark. Obviously unworn at bottom of wardrobe. As it isnt cool enough. He is happy in jeans and t shirts

OP posts:

dearyme · 12/04/2011 11:32

they arent mind readers to be fair

they are buying him things, just not practical things

say to them Mother, Fred needs x y and z for his new school, would you mind getting him that for his birthday/easter whatever as that would be ever so helpful

SpiderObsession · 12/04/2011 11:33

Why not try and give them something specific for them to get him eg pair of jeans or suggest they take him shopping for an outfit for his leavers disco?

Can the school help with the cost of the trip?

AlmightyCitrus · 12/04/2011 11:35

I'd have words. If there are other gc's I presume there are BIL/SIL's. Could you speak to them? Maybe they would speak up on your behalf.

And, rather than just chucking unwanted stuff at the bottom of the wardrobe, I'd chuck it on ebay. Then at least you might get a bit back, then you can buy something DS really needs.

Salmotrutta · 12/04/2011 11:35

But when they bought him the waterproofs did you ask about exchanging them for something he could use?

It's not really their fault the bike gloves were lost though is it?

It seems to me that they are just possibly clueless about what to buy and maybe need some guidance.

Do you generally have a difficult relationship with them? How do they treat your son when he sees them?

Original poster

ohokthen · 12/04/2011 11:45

No i dont ask them. They are really hard people to approach. Fil only speaks to me when has to. I keep them involved in every aspect of my sons life. So in no way are they excluded from his life.
Though they do exclude us, when it suIts, very rarely get invited to family events.
I say very little to them, so as not to upset the applecart so to speak.

OP posts:

blackeyeddog · 12/04/2011 11:45

I don't think there's much you can do really. The tie gift would probably make me lol in a hollow kind of way I suppose.

Be proud of yourself that you are managing to keep the show on the road despite difficult circumstances, and with little help. I sympathise.

Original poster

ohokthen · 12/04/2011 11:53

Bil is even worse. He has nothing to do with either of us. The only time he sees my son. Is at fil's and he is worse makes alsorts promises that he doesnt keep and his wife the same

OP posts:

Salmotrutta · 12/04/2011 11:54

Does sound difficult then if they are hard to approach and they exclude you from things.

I agree with blackeyeddog - you seem to be getting on with things despite the circumstances so good on you.

Maybe they see you "managing" and think that everything is fine?

Original poster

ohokthen · 12/04/2011 11:58

I am proud of doing it myself. I dont owe them anything. But sometimes i get so frustrated with them. And the tie business just made me so flabbergasted lol

OP posts:

GloriaSmut · 12/04/2011 11:58

I'm genuinely not sure what your issue is here. You'd like more help from the grandparents yet seem to assume they are mind readers. When they do buy something you scoff at it and seem to be blaming them for your child losing the unwanted present.

Now I know how horrible it must be to be treated as somehow second-rate by your late husband's parents but I think you need to be much more specific about the assistance and support you would like from them. They might be hard to approach but at least if you approach them and get an answer one way or another you'll know where you stand.

Flip