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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider "stealing" my sister's baby name?

22 replies

ignatz · 11/04/2011 13:41

My first baby is due in two months. My partner and I agreed that we would not discuss our shortlist names with anyone because from friends' experiences we thought people would be less inclined to make negative comments after the baby arrived and was named. However, our first choice name for a boy was my late grandfather's and when talking to my mum recently we got to reminiscing about him and I told her what we were planning. Her immediate response was to say "Oh no, you can't! Your sister already told me that's what she wants to name her son". My younger sister is not pregnant and as far as I know does not have any plans to become so imminently (she doesn't currently have a partner). I feel cross with my mum for putting me in the position where I now feel I need to ask my sister's permission to use the name because she "bagsied" it first. My partner thinks we should just go ahead and use it anyway and is annoyed with me for discussing it with my mum and then getting stressed out about her reaction. Part of me feels I just want to go with another name now as the idea has been slightly tainted and the other part of me thinks my sister will just need to be pleased for us and suck it up.

OP posts:

Bringonthegoat · 11/04/2011 13:43

I was ready to YABU from the title but YANBU - it's your grandads name not 'hers'.

Ziggyzag · 11/04/2011 13:44

Use it.

If she's that bothered she can always use it too. My brother and his/our cousin both have the same first names. Unless you live next door to each other it really shouldn't be a major problem.

ashamedandconfused · 11/04/2011 13:44

your mum should have said nothing

your sister may never even have a son to use that name, or her partner may not like that name/might not go with her new surname or whatever

first come first served?

borderslass · 11/04/2011 13:45

my mum and uncle both named their eldest after my grandad it's a family name YANBU.

BigHairyGruffalo · 11/04/2011 13:46

I think it is fine to use the name if you would not be upset if she also used it later on IYSWIM.

Loonytoonie · 11/04/2011 13:47

Ditto all the above. Don't fret

MarianneM · 11/04/2011 13:47

YANBU, your mother is. Your sister isn't even pg yet! You can't reserve a name like that, how silly!

Just use the name.

DELHI · 11/04/2011 13:47

Use it. Your sister may never have a son. Also, using it for a child in the future might have just been an idle idea that she mentioned. She doesn't own it - it's a name.

AgentZigzag · 11/04/2011 13:49

I agree that nobody owns it either and you're free to call your DC whatever you want, even if your sister had just named her DS it.

But, if you do use it you can't unlearn what your mum has said and is there likely to be fallout?

I'm not saying to pander to them, but if it causes shit at a time you need help and support, is it worth it?

Could you use it as a middle name instead?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 11/04/2011 13:49

I was about to say YABU as well, seeing as how you know she was planning to use it. But, if she doesn't even have a partner yet then I think you can go ahead and she'll just have to live with it.

Both my brother and I loved the name Niamh but he got first dibs on it and it was 'reserved' for years! When he came to have his two daughters, neither of them is called Niamh and neither is my dd.

RueLaChesty · 11/04/2011 13:50

I would use it but maybe drop into conversation that you want to use it and if she says "oh but I wanted to use that" just say "oh great minds eh? it'll be nice the cousins having the same name"

That way she'll know you aren't going to change your mind.

JanMorrow · 11/04/2011 13:52

Use the name and if your Mum says anything tell her you assumed she was joking and airily apologise.

soverylucky · 11/04/2011 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TandB · 11/04/2011 13:55

I have the same first name as one of my cousin's - quite by chance as my father was estranged from the rest of his family. It doesn't bother us as we are different people so the name becomes different if that make sense.

peeriebear · 11/04/2011 13:56

FFS you can't call dibs on honouring your late grandad!! Use it without hesitation, and if anyone calls you on it point out that he was your grandad too.

RueLaChesty · 11/04/2011 13:56

Oh, meant to say we had a boys name picked out when TTC. Told SIL and she said oh we'll just see who has boy first grrr...

Anyway, we have had two DDs and DP says no more and now I'm kinda :( that the boys name won't be used. SIL is pregnant now with a boy but has "stole" our 2nd choice boys name.

Maybe I can convince DP of a 3rd!

MarioandLuigi · 11/04/2011 13:57

MIL Has 6 siblings - 2 of her sisters used the same name she did for thier DC's, so I wouldnt worry too much.

animula · 11/04/2011 13:57

Your mother sounds a weeny bit barking. I am sending up a small prayer that I won't be like that if ever one of my children looks like producing offspring, and discusses naming with me.

Sorry, I'm sure your mother is a lovely, lovely person, but Why did she say that to you???? Your sister doesn't even have a partner yet: fate-willing, it may come to pass that she has many, many children, but it is not certain.

Is your sister very highly strung?

If there is more to this, then you can always lie. you can say that your dh chose the name, after a teacher who was particularly influential, or something. Anything.

And the thing is, it's pretty crazy anyway, because many, many people have the experience of looking at their newborn and realising the name they had chosen just doesn't seem to suit anyway.

So, not only might you change your mind, but (should she ever actually be in the position of choosing a name for a child of the apposite gender) your sister may well do, too. And what if her future partner hates that name??

Sad you've been put in a fret about this. But surely the thing to do is to choose what suits, and then deal with the fall-out diplomatically.

twolittlemonkeys · 11/04/2011 13:58

Use it. I was thinking your sis was already pg and had told you she was using x name in which case you'd BU to use it, but go ahead. Madness for your sis to reserve the name for a baby she may never have!

chocadoodle · 11/04/2011 13:58

YANBU Use the name if it is your favourite. Your sister cannot expect to "reserve" a name in case she might ever have a son and your Mum shouldn't have told you anyway.

As far as your concerned your sister has never said anything to you about it, so it may even be that your Mum is thinking it would be a bigger issue for her than it really would be.

And if it is an issue then it's tough really. Your sister may never have a son, you may never have a son (your post doesn't imply you know the sex) so just decide before he/she arrives on your names and then wait and see. If you have a girl you're worrying about nothing anyway. If you have a boy your Mum and sister would be pretty mean to spoil the occasion by saying anything about your sister wanting to use the name for her fictional boy.

MooMooFarm · 11/04/2011 13:59

YANBU - use the name. Your M shouldn't have said anything. Your sister might end up having girls anyway FFS, or having a boy then changing your mind.

If you're the first one to have a boy, you get first dibs on names - that's the law!

GooseyLoosey · 11/04/2011 14:01

YANBU - who knows what your sister may actually call a possible child at some unspecified point in the future. You are at that point and the field is yours.

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