to be completely losing it at 40+4?

[grumpytenant]

I am and I know it, I started a whiny thread about a washing machine last night to distract myself but now I am spiralling into panic and have started a row with DP, so now we are not talking as well.

I am panicking about:

giving birth (tore badly last time; HB last time and this time have to go to hospital so have no idea how I will cope as tend to lose it in hospitals)

getting to hospital (DP does not drive, I am really hating the thought of getting into a taxi in established labour)

getting someone to look after dd (DP does not drive and all our friends who have offered to take her have kids and one car seat so somehow he is going to have to take her somewhere perhaps in the middle of the night - on public transport? putting our car seat in a taxi? then what happens to the car seat? - he doesn't seem to have thought about this and it is doing my head in)

Organising all this while in labour and dp is likely to be pissed (drinks a bottle of wine every night although I have started asking him not to)

Not having a birth partner because not wanting p there if he is pissed (I have told him today I am going to hospital on my own if he has had more than one glass of wine but now I am seriously considering asking a friend to come with me instead.)

Today I told P I don't want to see him and he has taken dd out. I feel panicky and lonely and I just want someone to say that everyone feels like this and it will all come together and everything will be fine

Maybe DP staying with your daughter is the best solution? As long as he is sober obv. That at least gets around the issue of how to get DD sorted. If you could find a friend to be your birth partner then maybe they could help you get to hospital? It isn't unreasonable to want a plan and to be able to rely on your partner, its bad enough waiting for things to kick off as it is!

Well the carseat thing isn't too much of an issue really is it? I mean I don't really think of a taxi as being public transport...though technically I suppose it is. Either way, he can quite easily take the seat out and bring it into the hospital with him.

Having said that, is there any point in him going to the hospital because your DD won't be allowed in while you're giving birth anyway as far as I know?

I'd say obviously your biggest problem is having another child with a man who for whatever reason either can't or won't give up getting pissed

I mean, would you even be happy knowing he's in charge of your DD while you're busy giving birth?

Personally I'd be looking to find a friend who will have her over night...and really if I couldn't find a birthing partner, I'd rather give birth alone than in a room with a pissed DP.

Good luck

No, dd won't be anywhere near the hospital - I mean he will be taking her to a friend's house (a few friends have offered to take her).

If he could drive there would be no question that he should be staying sober in order to be able to do so - the fact that he can't seems to have somehow become carte blanche to live exactly as if I am not about to have a baby, and yet come along for the ride. (he said he would learn over 2 years ago and then again in this pregnancy. he has had 5 lessons). He might be thinking about all this more than he lets on. He doesn't look like it tho

It seems really sad to be saying he can't be at the birth of his child but honestly I feel like I need a bit more support than this and I can't tell how much is just me freaking out

just can't stop crying now

I think you need to sit down and talk with your DP.

The problems seem so much worse as you have no plan of action but firm up the arrangements and you'll be fine.

It sounds like you are going to have to organise your own arrangements and take your DP out of the equation. You shouldn't have to, you should be able to rely on him, but clearly you can't so at least taking charge and sorting out the practicalities will give you one less thing to worry about.

Sort out childcare for your DD with your friends, enlist someone to be a birth partner, and leave your DP to his own devices whilst you concentrate on yourself.

My XP was under the influence (not alcohol) during my labour, and it was an awful experience. You are better off with a close friend or even alone, and if he can't stay sober for a few days to be there for his child's birth then that is his problem and you have nothing to reproach yourself for. Good luck.

I don't really think the driving is the problem...I think it's the drinking.

It does show a lack of respect/empathy for you...and if he can't stay off the booze until the baby is born at least, then he's taken the decision upon himself not to be at the birth.

Have you told him exactly how you feel? Does he know you don't want him drinking so close to the impending birth?

Thanks boys2mam that is exactly what I wanted to hear.
I find it so hard sometimes to get what is in my head out of it. I have been so locked up inside myself for weeks now and I probably just do expect people to know what is going on and what I am feeling.
I think a lot of what I am feeling now is what I was scared of the first time and why I went for a HB (I was classed as low risk then and didn't have to argue with anyone about it).

I wish I had something really good to read or something to take my mind off this I am just sitting on my own crying.
I haven't been out much for months because of SPD and I think I am going a bit mad

I told him last night "please don't drink a whole bottle as I don't know what is going to happen". I came down this morning and the bottle was empty and I was really upset. He said "I'm fine, I would have been fine" but I was so upset but didn't want to row in front of dd so just said "I disagree" meaning: it is my choice what is fine in my birth partner and having someone half cut is not fine in my book.
Then I thought: I had been assuming that he would arrange everything about dd's care when I am actually in labour (although I have made tentative agreements with people in principle, I imagined him actually phoning people up and getting dd where she needs to be when it comes to it) and I wondered whether he had been assuming the same thing (you see I am not good at communicating when I get all wrapped up in knots)

So I wrote an email not wanting to row in front of dd and I knew he would be annoyed by what I had to say: I told him I will not have him as a birth partner if he has had more than one drink, and if he is not going to take full responsibility for what happens to dd on the day then he is staying home with her and I am going alone or with someone else.
this was today and he has been avoiding me since, taken dd out (to be fair I told him I don't want to see him)

Really I want him to just do all these things and go back to what I thought was plan A

When I get bogged down in an issue and its going round and round in my head I get it all written down - when its all laid out its much easier to plan.

Like a poster ^ up there said you can do all of this yourself then I would suggest sitting down with DP and asking what he thinks. Its not excluding him, rather getting it straight in your own mind.

Good Luck x

x posts....

I think rather than laying down the law, you'd be better off sitting and drawing up a plan together. Let him know what your expectations are and listen to what he suggests and how achieveable he thinks they are.

Personally, I would let him know I expect no alcohol to be drank and stick to it.

The rest I'm sure you can work out together and then you'll feel much more relaxed.

I have no idea how much is me over reacting and how much is me being reasonably upset. I mean is it really princessy to just assume that when I go into labour, I shouldn't have to worry about how dd will get to whoever is looking after her, or if more than one person have to be involved, how the changeover will be managed? I am sure labouring women in their millions have taken care of things exactly like this. Maybe I am just being Waynetta ("I AM 'AVING A BABY" instead of "I AM 'AVING A FAG" but equally spoilt?)

I wrote out all the phone numbers and I asked him to put them in his phone but I don't know if he did. I realise that I should have said, "If it is such and such a time, call so and so... or if it is such and such a time...." Or even written this out. We had talked about it but I can't tell if he is listening. He thinks I am a worrier and a stress head (I am) but this doesn't mean there is nothing to sort out

I might start a thread about people who have partners who were not birth partners - is it a really shocking thing to do?

My dad didn't go to any of our births and no one expected him to but that was back in the dark ages

Dont mean to sound blunt but how long have you had to make arrangements? Why is it such a shock all of a sudden a)your DP is a feckless self centred piss head b) you need to make arrangements for your other child to be looked after c)transport is an issue when you dont drive?

Gemsy that's all fair enough - this is part of why it is doing my head in, I have been thinking about all this for ages
(I do drive actually it is DP who doesn't drive - maybe that is part of the problem, we are used to having the use of a car)

It is a shock that:

while I know DP likes a drink, it is a shock to me that he doesn't refrain when asked;
therefore maybe he is not as ready to leap into action as I thought - maybe he doesn't realise what I expect of him

My mum said ages ago that she would come, and she will, but it might take her a good while to get here and I am assuming that we will need interim care and suddenly it seems that DP is blithely assuming we won't

Maybe he just doesn't know anything about labour and having babies. When we had dd he went to 6 weeks of NCT classes but maybe it is time to sit him down and say "this is what it might be like when I go into labour..."

Gemsy will say, the time to sit down and have that conversation was months ago. I suppose I don't expect him to be so silly tho

Am I expecting too much?

I don't really think you are expecting too much, but it's just my opinion.

Sit down and talk with him as calmly as you can, (Almost 23 weeks pregnant here so I am also on the hormonal rollercoaster), and explain what your worries are as well as what you'd like to happen when you go into labour, as well as what will happen.

I'd suggest no alcohol at all for your partner to be honest. It is possible that he isn't coping with both of you being on edge - labour could come at any time and that can be quite stressful in itself! If it has to come to a compromise then one glass I think is more than fair.

Be kind to yourself and try to stay relaxed. :)