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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think She does not Care?

19 replies

feeldisappointed · 10/04/2011 13:52

I spent a week in hospital for major surgery. Had only family visit me in hospital at my request.

Have now been home nearly a week and am not able to leave the house as cant walk that well.

A few friends have popped in to see me since have been home. However one of my friends who lives three doors away has not been to see me. Even my next door neighbour, who is just that, a neighbour has been to see me.

Fair enough she works full time mon-fri. She has even told my husband she will pop in, but nothing, not even a text!!! I have not even received a card (had one from her sister though!)

I am not sure if this is something I can forgive.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 14:12

Or she might be busy or have a crisis of her own to deal with.

Blimey, talk about "me me me!"

Get a grip and get over yourself!

blondebutonlyfaking · 10/04/2011 14:16

Maybe she's just busy.

I know my life is very very busy and while I mean to do things, like visit people, life intervenes and a week is gone before I realise.

Sorry you#re not well though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/04/2011 14:18

Perhaps she's planning to do it very soon, OP, with card, cake, flowers, spending more time with you or taking you out somewhere... just wants to get past your other visitors first as they're family?

I'm not sure that it's something that you need to forgive her for though?

Original poster

feeldisappointed · 10/04/2011 14:21

I had thought she might have other things going on until I heard she was out last night with a bunch of mutual friends for a meal.

Believe me, feeling sorry for myself and expecting loads of attention is not normally something I expect.

Just expected a "How are you", especially when this was not a simple op but necessary op due to ongoing cancer treatment.

OP posts:

buggerlugs82 · 10/04/2011 14:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

blondebutonlyfaking · 10/04/2011 14:23

Just because she went out with other people for a meal last night doesn't mean she necessarily has time to call in and see you though.

I do think that is a bit Unreasonable.

Just because I see one friend for a night out might mean that I have to jump through hoops the rest of the week to get time.

millie30 · 10/04/2011 14:24

Maybe she thinks that you want some space since you requested no visitors at the hospital except for family? She may be trying to respect your wishes and not realise that you now want to see other people.

Bogeyface · 10/04/2011 14:24

Ok so maybe it was a bit harsh but the "I am not sure if this is something I can forgive." comment really got my back up!

You dont know why she hasnt been round and it is very childish to say that you may not forgive her for it!

I hope your op was a success btw.

millie30 · 10/04/2011 14:25

By the way, hope you are recovering well.

Original poster

feeldisappointed · 10/04/2011 14:29

I wanted advice as I did feel perhaps I am being a bit self centred.

I am really emotional at the moment and seeing my friends for simple chat is such a boost.

OP posts:

blondebutonlyfaking · 10/04/2011 14:37

Why don't you just text her?

As others have said, maybe she thinks you aren't ready for visitors, since you said you didn't want anyone but family in the hospital.

stillbroody · 10/04/2011 14:38

If you want to see her then text her and ask if she'd like to come round for a coffee.
YABU

Emmanana · 10/04/2011 14:40

Having an anaesthetic can sometimes make you feel a little down. Cheer yourself up by thinking about some of the positive things your op/hospital stay has shown you. How nice to receive wishes from someone you thought of 'just a neighbour' previously. Develop that relationship a little more - ask her in for a coffee!

Earlybird · 10/04/2011 14:43

Has she previously been a reliable and caring friend?

Some people simply don't know how to deal with difficult situations, so avoid them. Could this be the case?

Or, maybe she knows she's let you down and feels guilty, but rather than doing something to remedy the situation is avoiding.

Absolutely - she could be having troubles of her own that have distracted her, which would explain her being unavailable to you - but, if she is well enough to go out socially, that excuse becomes harder to accept.

It is possible that she isn't nearly as good a friend as you thought/hoped, and your illness has shown that to you.

I'd leave it now. Concentrate on those who have shown you care and concern. Be grateful you have them in your life. You need good energy in your life atm to feel good physically and emotionally.

When your friend finally surfaces, see what she has to say. And then decide if you want to continue thinking of her as a friend, or if your friendship will transition to more of an acquaintance in the future.

Hope you feel better soon, and that your diagnosis is favourable.

peeriebear · 10/04/2011 14:43

Why not just text her? "Hi, I'm stuck indoors after my op, be good to see a friendly face whenever you have the time :) "

Sassybeast · 10/04/2011 14:44

YABU. I think that if she feels that she wasn't considered a close enough friend to see you in hospital, then she may feel awkward about visiting now. I'd text her and invite her round - if she's a good friend, there's nothing to forgive - just maybe a misunderstaanding ?

Original poster

feeldisappointed · 10/04/2011 14:53

Thank you all very much for your advice. I may text (did not want to previously because of her work).

Earybird - Your response is very helpful and well considered. Thank you.

Thanks again to all of you other lovely ladies and your advice.

OP posts:

Panda1234 · 10/04/2011 15:10

OP, I know where you're coming from. I was really ill a while back and one of my 'friends' made a point of telling other friends and my husband she was going to send me a card, drop me a line etc etc and then just didn't. She knew fine she should have made an effort. It's not nice feeling that people are ignoring you or avoiding you because they either can't be bothered or are self-centered enough to put their own feelings of awkwardness about with illness ahead of being there for a friend.

I agree with Earlybird. However, it's worth bearing in mind that a week isn't that long. Given that she stays so close you/your DH are going to bump into her anyway. I think if the next time one of you sees her it jobs her into asking how you are/offering to come over/generally making a bit more of an effort, then hopefully her initial reaction will just be a blip. If she pretends that nothing has happened, I'd drop her.

And I hope you feel better soon, which is the main thing.

emsyj · 10/04/2011 15:57

I am quite friendly with one of my neighbours and she had an op a couple of weeks ago. I was unable to go round for nearly a week afterwards as DH, DD and I were all really ill with the D&V bug that is going round. I hope she wasn't offended!

It is also true that your friend might not really know how ill you are or whether you are up to having visitors - maybe she is waiting til she knows for sure that you are ready for non-family visitors?

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