To feel so lonely

[Prforone]

Went out with a few mates last night I hadn't seen for a while. So we're having a good old catch-up and then it dawned on me that they were doing most of the talking. And the reason why? They had so much more good stuff going on in their lives. So much horrible stuff has happened to me in the past few years that I couldn't possibly contribute and bring the mood down.

Each of them has a wonderful husband and at least two gorgeous kids, not to mention fabulous jobs and supportive families. I am a divorced mum of one with no close family (parents both passed away), working part-time so I can juggle the whole taking and collecting from school thing whilst keeping a roof over our heads and that's basically what my life consists of.

My DS goes to his dad's every other weekend (this being one of them) and I just feel so empty. I feel a little guilty as I know there are people out there worse off than me. I know I have my gorgeous boy and I'm lucky to have a job and a home but I can't help feeling I'm missing out on all the fun in life :(

It must be hard for you when DS is away but maybe try to look at these weekends in a more positive way as your own self indulgent time when you can do things with your friends and have some alone time as well. You should talk to someone about it as well, I can understand not wanting to ruin a night out but how about inviting a friend over for an afternoon coffee and a one to one chat, bottling it all up will make it seem worse.

I do think that your situation sounds terribly challenging and I can understand why you feel out of it during some conversations, especially with people you haven't seen much of lately. Those types of situations are often a little false.

While I'm not denying it sucks to be alone, can I suggest that life is probably not as rosy for the other women as you think? Absolutely everyone struggles at some time or other - if not now, then yesterday, or tomorrow. A good friend knows this and 'rolls with it'. If one rejoices with friends in their happiness, or at least attempts to, one can also expect compassion when sharing diffiiculties. Later, the tables may be turned and you can return the kindness.

If you bottle up how you're feeling, you will probably start avoiding friends, who will, in turn, find you inexplicably withdrawn. Both of these behaviours will certainly damage your friendships and leave you feeling more alone than ever - making those 'good times' even harder to come by. Far better to share a little now and risk 'bringing the mood down' than lose friends altogether.

And just a thought - this may sound ridiculous, but during a period of illness, I found it very hard to connect with friends, who were all successful, busy women. Then I stumbled upon baking as a surprisingly good way of building bridges with folk I didn't see much. Chocolate brownies are great way of saying 'I care' and they don't take long to produce. Plus, you don't have to give them away if they're just too delicious...

Good luck!

I'm in a very similar position to you OP and you are right to count your blessings - it is so important to recognise what you have and really focus on it sometimes, otherwise you can slide into feeling resentful/deprived - I have to watch those signs that I'm beginning to feel resentful when I've been with people who have enviable, full lives.

As Jilk says, everyone has their cross to bear, and there's a lot of heartache around - don't be fooled by the social face (people may envy you your uncomplicated (ha!) life, as they have me). I have learned to enjoy everyone's successes and immerse myself in their good fortune, without losing track of myself iyswim. I agree that a social situation is not the time to talk about difficulties and sometimes talking to a counsellor can only make you feel worse - sometimes you just have to get on with it, count your blessings, believing that your time will come. Things don't stay the same and it is surprising how things change, how stars can wax/wain. I have become quite an observer which has its benefits, though it may not have been what I would have chosen. Just remember that it often has nothing to do with you personally, but circumstances - it's not your fault.

May I suggest that perhaps you should be giving yourself some credit for doing what you do and for coping so well with your own more difficult circumstances rather than envying other people's apparent good fortune? Chances are that other people's lives are not quite as idyllic as they make them out to be, and they could be making things look brighter than they are to puff themselves up. I'm always a bit dubious about people with "perfect" lives - there are always compromises, even if these are not apparent to the casual observer. Try to view your time on your own as an opportunity to enhance your own life - baking sounds a great idea and my personal sanity-saving activity is singing, which is a great stress-buster as well as a way of meeting new people. Good luck.

I agree with giving yourself far more credit for what you have achieved. If you do feel you want more fun in your life then look at ways you can achieve this e.g. going to a book groups, swimming, walk in the park, etc. It can be easy to get caught up in the daily grind and forget to do fun things.

But at the kind of gathering you are talking about, people are not going to be honest about their lives. For example, one woman is not going to suddenly say - oh yes my gorgeous husband punched me in the arm last night!

Nobodys life is ever perfect. But lots of people find it hard to share negative things with others - I do, because to talk about something awful just makes me feel worse. So I guarantee there would have been times when you would have thought from the outside that my life was great when it was really awful.