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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wwyd? In laws and money

19 replies

Mrswhiskerson · 09/04/2011 22:28

my dh's family are all very very well off with the exception of dh , we do not begrudge them this for a second they have worked very hard for it , the problem is they are a huge family with lots of children and they are all very fond of meals out to mark every Special occasion birthdays and Sunday lunch this adds up to a lot of meals out,
my dh and I cannot afford this at all and pil, bil and sil all offer to pay for us which is lovely but I do not expect them to pay for me nor think they cannot go out without having to stump up for two extra meals and drinks.
I have told my dh I do not want to accept charity any more and being paid for makes me (and dh) feel really bad , so I have said if we cannot afford it we don't go that's it ,
trouble is if we refuse to go when someone has offered to pay for us we then get, but it's family you must be there , so and so will be really upset if your not ,

so my dh is kind of torn between me and his family. I don't want to put him in this position so was wondering whatbyou all could advise me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 09/04/2011 22:30

Ps we
can't afford to cook for them at home either as
we can barely feed ourselves at the min .

OP posts:

theotherboleyngirl · 09/04/2011 22:31

I would advise you graciously accept being taken out.

If there's no passive aggressive emotional baggage from the 'gift givers' then take it at face value that they like you and want you to be there... end of

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/04/2011 22:32

His family are being really lovely. They want to celebrate occasions and want you both to celebrate with them. It's not charity, it's family.

BlueAmy · 09/04/2011 22:33

I think in this situation, I would accept their offer to pay. You have offered to withdraw from these gatherings but they have still insisted you go.

I understand where you're coming from, but I think it's a bit silly to rule out going on nice evenings out when paying for you is clearly not a problem to the rest of the family.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 22:34

What a lovely family your DH has, and you sound really nice as well

Could you compromise and just cut down the amount of times you don't go (perhaps by making an excuse you're doing something else so it doesn't look as though you're turning them down for cash reasons) then it's a win/win situation.

ZillionChocolate · 09/04/2011 22:34

I'm really sad for you. I was going to suggest you compromise and suggest somewhere cheaper but if you couldn't afford to cook for them I suppose that's not an option. Could you do a meal at home and everyone does a course each? Picnic at the park/beach? Personally, I would be willing to accept them paying, they'd rather give away money they can afford to have your company. I can imagine regretting not having a relationship with his family, rather than regretting accepting some meals.

GloriaSmut · 09/04/2011 22:39

You aren't accepting charity. Your family clearly enjoy your company and want to make it possible for this to continue. Who would benefit if you refused their hospitality? Nobody!

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 22:41

I actually think you are being really unreasonalbe. They have no agenda and they are his family and want to include you in celebrations - they know things are tough and they want to help. It is very unfair of you to exclude yourself and your dh etc from his family gatherings and very ungracious.

Try to accept these inclusions in the beautiful spirit they were given.

Summerbird73 · 09/04/2011 22:43

is there anything you can maybe do for them in return that costs nothing, such as babysitting, looking after the kids for the day etc. like a favour for a favour IYSWIM

i agree its a tricky one but if they are truly happy to pay and you are straight with them then i would go with the flow.

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 09/04/2011 22:47

There is a bit of passive aggressiveness with fil but that aside theyare a truly wonderful family and I love them all very much , however it is the sheer volume of these outings and we feel so bad we can't pay our own way , we feel like leeches .

We are very gracious when being took out and do really appreciate it but it doesn't stop us feeling very uncomfortable when we can't contribute.

There was a incident where mil gave us some money to go out for a family members bda but said not to tell fil , she went home early and fil insisted on paying for us , I said I really wanted to pay I had money
for the night out but no amount of insisting would change his mind , I kept aside the money to give back to mil but in the meantime fil rang us and said mil had given us money
to go out with so why did we let him pay , it was because we were told not to tell him about it ,it put us in a awkward position and fil basically accused us of tricking miney out of them, we felt two inches tall.

OP posts:

Morloth · 09/04/2011 22:49

YABU why should your DH have to miss out on spending time with his family to save your pride? It isn't charity when someone wants you at dinner so much they would rather pay for you than miss seeing you, it is love and families.

We are kind of on the other end of this, we are wealthier than most of our family and we often pay for them, why not? That is what the money is for IMO.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 09/04/2011 22:50

At various times my sister (left DV relationship with 3 kids - no maintenance - working 2 jobs and studying) and her family, me (student - youngest - got away with it for far too long and am now having to pay back all those free meals), and my brother (moved to big house for growing family so needed to cut back), and my parents (needed a holiday, dad had done loads of DIY on my new home) have been the 'subsidised' family members whether it be holidays or meals out. It is what families or even good groups of friends do.

Is there a middle path? Lots of good suggestions above about picnics (BYO food and share) or BBQs (our BBQs generally involve everyone chipping in?) to mediate the feeling you are always taking. I think if you like them and get on well with them otherwise (e.g. as someone posted above there is nothing passive-aggressive pressure to feel indebted) then you have to be gracious but speak to them and say it does make you feel awkward but that you realise that is your problem (both you and DH - DH should be telling them though) but can you do some other eating activities/days out too to try and balance it out so you get to spend time with them without feeling you are costing them money (that you know they are happy to do)?

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 22:54

Have a talk with them and tell them how you feel / get your dh to do this. They should not ask you to keep secrets though. I still think you should accept invites if you can but I understand how you may feel a bit unconfortable. I see it like this - if it were my child I would want to pay for them to attend in this kind of situation and it would make me really happy that I could help.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 09/04/2011 22:56

Hmmmm....just saw your last post. There is more to this. My mum would do this to my dad, but the difference being my dad would be wise to it and would realise my mum would have said don't tell your dad on hearing she'd been handing out the cash! He would also know that I would be handing it back - and would insist I wouldn't and I'd have to fight to hand it back!

I am not doubting you, BUT are you absolutely sure he accused you of tricking the money out of him? I only say that because you are obviously understandably sensitive about the issue and it was all horribly awkward for you. Did he make you feel 2 inches tall or did you already feel that way? I think you have to be clear on that before you can work out how to approach it.

jammyscone · 09/04/2011 22:59

I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially not if your father in law made a big thing about the money your mother in law gave you, it sounds an awkward situation to be in. I'd probably make excuses not to go to most of the meals, maybe be helping friends move or paint their houses, or have some other obligation I'd promised to do, if I were in that situation.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 23:02

That's not very nice of your FIL/MIL (changing mind about them now ) what an awful position to put you in.

The pressurising is being a bit controlling I suppose, making you feel guilty if you don't go and as though you're sponging if you do, it's the lesser of the two (w)evils.

I think if you genuinely want to go and they've offered to pay without any coercion, then I'd go and leave the guilt at home.

If they didn't want you there or to pay for you then it wouldn't be happening.

Original poster

Mrswhiskerson · 09/04/2011 23:05

Thanks for all the advice,

we have a difference in backgrounds dh comes from
a huge loving family who help each other out are regularly in touch and want to do nice things with each other which is great ,I certainly don't want to stop him or me having time with them .

I come from a very fractured fAmily lots of divorce and bad feelings on both sides , I am not really used to the loving genourous spirit of dh's family and for most my childhood felt quite alone , I do however help other people when I can and love being part of his family , I suppose this is my issue
I love the idea of picnics etc where we could all bring something each and it would be nice for the children.

OP posts:

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 23:15

His family sound lovely and I would say again to accept offers in the family loving spirit they are offered. I would totally do the same for my dc as I would want them to be part of celebrations and it would male
Me so happy to be able to pay for them and help them ease any financial difficulties. Try and see it like that x

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 23:16

That should say make not male - bloody iPhone!

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