to even consider having children?

[ohboob]

I adore children and have some very special ones in my life. I have always told myself I won't be having my own because I have bad health - M.E and something similar to arthritis being the main issues. I have to sleep 9-10 hours a night plus 2 hours in the day, I have real problems with being woken during those sleeps, I'm in a lot of pain sometimes (basically the more I do the more pain I'm in) and I just generally find everyday life very hard indeed.

But now I'm feeling really broody. I have just had a friend come to stay with her baby and my ovaries are throbbing. I want one. There is nothing so fulfilling or wonderful as a child (although believe you me I know how very very hard work they can be too. I can see how exhausted my friend is and I've surrounded myself with enough children and read enough MN to have a good insight into it all, even if I have never experienced it firsthand.)

I have a wonderful dp who desperately wants dcs one day too although he has a very low paying job so doesn't want to unless he can find something which pays more. I totally agree with this, but the fact that he wants dcs too eventually makes me even more broody. He'd make a fabulous dad.

So am IBU to even consider this? I'm not sure at all how I'd cope. In an ideal world social services would provide me with help, carers etc, but I know with all the cuts that's impossible. If I was wealthy I could afford a nanny, but I'm not. I couldn't even work while dp is the main carer. I'm too ill to work. Is there any solution? Is there anyone reading in a similar situation who has found a solution? Could you still be a mum if you had health problems or can you imagine it would be impossible. I have read the parents with disabilities section which seems quiet, and also found the disabled parents network, which seems very helpful indeed. But I need lots of first hand experiences and opinions.

TIA.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable to consider it. You know what, having experienced what exhaustion did to me after the births of my children I'd say it depends on how the exhaustion hits you. The thing I found hard is that it made me hugely, hugely irritable and therefore pretty unpleasant to be around. That's what bothered me. If I did exhaustion with good humour I wouldn't have hesitated to have dc3. As it is, we are having dc 3 and I have put as many strategies into place to combat the triggers to my tired irritable moments. So you have to know yourself pretty well and decide, as far as these things can be predicted, what the added tiredness would do to you. And be realistic about how you can parent. I am seriously considering not exclusively breast feeding number three because of the effects on me of broken sleep. And breastfeeding was a joy to me with the other two. Don't know if that helps.

I have Fibromyalgia and have 2 children. I'd have liked more but realistically 2 is more than enough. DH was fabulous as the nights went on and he's really hands on. Dd gets annoyed with me when I am too ill but then she finds it unfair that she has to tidy her room etc but I try not to ask them to be my carers. I have numerous friends who have FM/ME and they have children, but the one thing we agree on is we have supportive partners and parents who really help out. A good support network and there's no reason why you couldn't have children.

Can I ask how you coped when they were babies Groovee? Were the sleepless nights horrendous even though your DH was so good?
It's really great to hear you're managing. Have a with my thanks.

YOu have to be available to your children 24/7, there is no room for I need this much sleep, or I need that.

Babies though once settled do sleep most of the time and you would be able to make up your sleep whilst they are sleeping.

Providing you get yourself in a routine there is no reason why you cannot have children.

After the first year which is the cheapest you will be eligible for child tax credits to supplement your income, you will also get working tax credits which you no doubt get now for those who earn a low wage. Plus you would get child benefit.

I had my son at 40 with fibro, arthritis and early degenerative disease. All of which get worse with fatigue.

While Fabby is right, there are ways to get help and to cope. I had some horrid days when I could barely move and my son spent probably way too much time in his bouncy chair. But we made it through.

He's nearly 2 now and sleeps through and has a great time playing by himself or with me or with his friends at daycare 2 days a week.

And I also have a very supportive husband who let's me sleep regardless of how our son is sleeping at least nights a week.

I'm really impressed Tee. It must have been tough at times.

Being available 24/7 is the bit that scares me. If I did have children and anything happened to my partner (illness, death) then I would be so stuck, because there is no flexibility in my bad health. I can't make it go away and sometimes I am very incapacitated. That is going to be the thing I think most carefully about.

Thanks guys, all views appreciated.

Ds2 is 11 months, sleeps 12-13 hours at night (6.30pm-7.30am) and 2.5 hours in the day (12pm-2.30pm). Its the first 6 months that are hard as he needed to feed in the night and the day sleeps were more bitty (ie several shorter sleeps), and of course he does occasionally have a bad night if he is teething or has a cold. DD (7) and DS1 (4) sleep 8pm-7.30am and are at school during the day so easier still with them.

Can your DP function well with interupted sleep? Can he get a better paid job that would allow you some help in the first 6 months.

This might not be something you have thought of but I was most sleep deprived during each of my pregnancies, I just couldn't get comfortable AND I needed the toilet hourly. By 40 weeks with DD I (and I have no health issues) was so tired I couldn't function as I couldn't sleep.

Much easier IME once their were born!

OKAY,so i have hyper mobility syndrome,(it affects joints and fatigue amongst other wide ranging symptoms)

i have two DC's

i am knackered .

but happy mostly

its hard,my DP is very helpful and id be stuck without him,there are days when pre-kids i would have said "i cannot move i have to stay in bed" but somehow,kids make you move...it is painful to do,but i can do it.
(thats not to invalidate your pain,just my current experience)

i am so glad i had my DC's,it truly is the most wonderful thing to have your own,i understand your dilemma.but i think if you have a support network,and you want them,you shouldn't let your disability get in your way,i know i would have been resentful of it if i had.
it can be tough,but IMO its well worth it

ohboob I have the same issue, if something happens to my husband. I have no family nearby and his family, while kind, are useless.

So the one thing we both made sure of was that we were well covered with life insurance if anything happened to either one of us. It would give me the chance to either move closer to my family, who live in the US, or hire some help or do something else.

As I said, there are ways to work this sort of thing out, but you really need to think about all of them now, before you actually have a baby in arms!

I do agree with foreveronadiet. Pregnancy was much the worse time in terms of sleep. You're up with, basically, no reason. Once the baby is here it's easier because you have to get up and tend to it. And you want to get up and do that.

I can't say whether or not you should as that is your choice all I would say is be mindful that a child never has the burden of being your carer?

I have two and it is the best thing I ever did but it is knackering, whatever you think you know about how tiring it is having children is nothing to actually being in the situation and experiencIng it. It is constant, and as they get older it seems to be more demanding! I think you will definitely need a good support network if you do and I can totally understand your broodiness. I wish you all the best in your choices and let us know what happens! X

I have heart problems which make me extremely tired, and ideally I'd sleep 10-12 hours a night with a few naps in between. But I have a DD, and DC2 due in a few weeks. And I would definately say that no, YANBU at all. It is worth it, unquestionably.

One thing to bear in mind is that a lot of women find that chronic illnesses, and particularly autoimmune ones, can improve a lot either due pregnancy or in the immediate postnatal period... and after DD was born I felt better than I had in years, and thus much more able to cope with the sleep deprivation. So you might cope better than you think.

Another thing to say, though, is that in my experience you are right that you probably wouldn't find statutory services much help. Cuts aside, they're really not used to supporting parents. But that's not to say that there isn't some brilliant help out there... you just need to perservere in looking for it. Do have family around?

And if you were to find yourself in the position of DP needing to stop working to care for you and the child, you would still be entitled to DLA, carer's allowance and child tax credits. It's not a lot of money and the thresholds keep getting tougher, but the benefits system does still seem to make a priority of protecting children.

So I'd suggest you start TTC and see what happens...

You haven't mentioned your parents or PIL
Do you have support from them? This could make a huge difference to you imo.

I had 2 very different children. Dd slept 12 hours a night from 16 weeks but I was still exhausted. At the time I was undiagnosed and was frequently at the doctors over my tiredness. The inlaws took her 1 day a week and it gave me time to relax and chill. I had her the other 4 days on my own and had dh at home at weekends. With ds, it was extremely hard. He was up regularly during the night and dh was exhausted and I would waken but completely unable to get out of bed. He was 3 and a half by the time he slept and he went from not sleeping to 13 and a half hours a night!!!

I do find it easier now they're at school. I can rest if I need to and if doing ok can do supply work.

If you don't have family around somewhere like Homestart may be able to help you with some support.

I think you have to think about what other support you could draw in to make this possible. Other support might include a few hours a day in a nursery or other family members. Once you have thought about other support, you might come up with a feasible way that this is possible.

If I was you I would also talk to my GP or others with your illness to check that pregnancy won't have a detrimental effect on your health during and after pregnancy.

I really don't think its fair to have a child who ends up being a parents carer, so you would have to guard against that.

My main concern in your situation, as has been mentioned above, is if the child slipped into the role of carer. Life insurance etc is a good idea, make sure you are insured to the hilt (or rather, your DH is) so that if anything happened to him you would have enough in the bank to pay for carers for you and a nanny or childcare for the baby. Also, you say you know how much hard work it is, but its one of those things that no one really understands until they are doing it iykwim. I dont know anyone, myself included, that fully appreciated the tiredness, the relentlessness and the exhaustion of it until they had a baby themselves.

I feel that I want to say "go for it" because every woman should be able to have children if she wants them, but I cant because if you have such high needs now then I cant see how that is compatible with a young child when they have such high needs themselves. I would be looking at what help you could realistically expect to get and how your DP would cope with your needs, the babys needs and work, because if you find you cant cope then he would have to and he needs to be prepared for that. Could you work from home as a VA for example, to allow your DP to work part time?

I feel awful for saying this but at the moment, without a good solid plan of care and help in place, then I wouldnt be planning a baby.

WITH a plan in place that you could realistically rely on and live with for atleast the next 5 years, when the child goes to school, then yes it would be do-able.

[Dons flame proof suit :( ]

Those are really good points peabody and something I think about a lot. Right now my son is in daycare two full days a week and that helps me immensely. The only rest I get during the week is if/when he takes a nap on the other days a week. Weekends, however, I can sometimes disappear into the bedroom and not come out.

But I don't think my relationship with my son is affected by the weekends since I do spend all day with him those 3 other days, and always put him to bed and usually get up with him. And a weekend day spent in bed is very rare for me.

Sorry you mother suffered so, sounds horrid for you.

Peabodyblue that is exactly why I try to have rest days and plan in the holidays for days out and then rest days to ensure we aren't all too tired. The last 6 months have been hard here as I've had 2 lots of surgery and dd didn't like my recovery times as she wanted me up and about and didn't quite comprehend how much surgery I've had. Grandparents were fab the 2nd time as it was the February break and took them out and spoiled them.

I don't want my children to remember the ill me, and if that means I'm in bed at 8pm while dh watches a movie with the children, it does make it worth it.

I was working one day and another member of staff told me she has ME and asked me how I coped with having my own children. I just have to cope. I have to get up in the mornings, it's very hard but I try to organise as much as possible the night before so that I can get up and not have as much to do (such as lunches etc). It's about ensuring I get rest time factored in and that could be a dvd for the children and snuggled up on the sofa.

I did a lifestyle management course and it really helped me become more positive about things rather than me regularly looking for negatives. It makes such a difference to me and our life as a family.

I'm glad you did speak up peabodyblue. It is nice to hear the other side.

I do have days when I don't want to be bothered by my son. And that's when he gets to watch Cbeebies much more than is probably good for him. But I also try very hard to keep those days few and far between.

Thank you for all the opinions. No flame proof suits needed - it is entirely realistic to worry about whether the child would end up being my carer (which is the very last thing I want to have happen) or not have enough time with their mum and not understand it and things like that. They are the reasons I've always said it's an absolute no to having children.

You've all really given me food for thought. (Breastmilk I do know one friend with M.E whose health got hugely better when she was pregnant. That is at least one positive!) It's not an immediate decision I'm making. If I do have dcs it would be in a couple of years and a lot can change in that time. I'm just thinking a lot about it now due to being in love and having just spent some time with a baby. And I think that if I do decide it's definitely a no I need to know so that I can talk about it with my dp and let him leave if that's what he wants to do before he gets in too deep.

Incidentally his parents are very old and not available to look after grandchildren. My family would be great but we are all very spread out, so no one is just down the road.

Gosh, my ovaries are aching today!

I would think very seriously about moving close by to supportive family. And I would think in terms of one child for the moment. What peabody has contributed is I think invaluable. Forearmed is forewarned.

Hi I have fibromyalgia & CFS. My ds is 3 years old and my world. I have an amazing dh and I couldn't do it without him. Like many others here, he is amazing with ds and he gets up when I can't.

When ds was born he slept from 10pm until 12pm (so 14 hrs sleep) then several naps throughout the day. We personally found that it worked great for us. Ds didn't need to get uo for anything so going to bed later suited us. One of my best friends lived in Spain for a long time so her dc also went to bed later. It wasn't a foreign concept to us is what I mean. Anyhow, ds now goes to nursery but he's in the afternoon class. He now goes to bed at 10pm and wakes up at 10am. We're slowly bringing his bedtime forward so that when he starts school in Aug 2012 he will be going to bed at 8pm and getting up at 8am. It's something to think about and it works for us.

My ds is very caring and is very aware of my illness. He knows I have a lot of pain and without me saying he just says let's play on the sofa so you can rest or we'll read or watch a DVD. We do a lot together even though it may not be 'outings' all the time. I was always worried that ds would suffer if I'm having a bad day but everyone who meets him says he is a charmer, very outgoing and the most caring wee soul. He is NOT my carer but he enjoys helping my dh make me a drink or fetching my meds because he thinks he is being a big boy. I would never force him to do these things for me. He enjoys helping push my wheelchair (I don't always need it) or riding on it and he thinks it's a cool way to travel. His wee friends also try and sit on my lap. I think its good for them to understand about different disabilities and illnesses.

As someone else said, your dc do help you to get out of bed, when before yiu had them you would have stayed there. They are your reason for getting up. Even if I move from the bed to the sofa, psychologically it helps me and ds has more toys etc to play with. Whatever happens, what yiu are will be the norm for your dc. If you nap in the afternoon it will be normal for them. Once they are at nursery/ school try and nap whilst they are out.

My friend has ME and her 3 dc go to a childminder on a monday and wednesday and the CM does the school drop of and pick ups every day. This helps her cope.

Being a mum is the best thing in the world. If you and your dp want children then don't let anything stop you. Look at that mum in the news a few years ago who was stabbed when she was pregnant with her second ds. She was permanently disabled and needing a 24 carer but yiu could see the joy that her children bought to her.

You can private message me if you need to ask anything. Or come and have a look at our "wingeing about chronic pain" thread in general health. There are lots of us with these types of illnesses. You might find it helpful to get the support yiu need there.

Good luck