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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

bf/partner away nearly every other weekend as well as the week.

18 replies

Skifit · 09/04/2011 15:41

AIBU... The situation is :-
bf/dp and I have been together now 3 years.
He has a family house 80 miles away in Glouchestershire, which is where he was brought up and has inherited it from his mother.
We were living together for 2 yrs ,when he had a job nearby, and every other weekend he would go back to his home in Glocs.
Now he has a job another 85 miles away in Sussex so he lives there during the week and he comes here at weekends. However, some weekends he chooses to go back to his family home in Glocs.

Every Sunday DS sings as a chorister in church, so I go along to support him.
Every/Most weekends my DS goes to see his Dad and Dad puts DS in church sunday a.m. or evening for Evensong.
I do not enjoy weekends on my own being the extrovert type, and he knows I dont like being left .

I have been to his place in Glocs, but its really not comfortable, its very shabby and freezing in winter with no central heating.
Mostly when he tells me he is off to Glocs I put a brave face on it and just go with the flow and stay on my todd Friday night till sunday evening .

Trouble is , now bf is working away during the week I really want 'together time' at the weekend. He doesnt seem fussed as he is used to a lot of time on his own (!)
He is however coming here Monday night after getting his car fixed in Glocs, , and a dental check up on Monday. Its en route as well to where he is working in Sussex ,Tuesday morning.
I text him this morning saying I was feeling a bit miserable on my own and said I really didnt like spending weekends alone.
He did text back saying he was sorry and he would "try to make next weekend nice for me...."
I then phoned him to chat and after explaining how i felt, he said he couldnt understand what the fuss was about, and said I had merely phoned him to give him a hard time. I explained this wasnt the case , I just wanted time together at weekends. I didnt get angry or rude, but was still accused of being unreasonable and telling him off ..(What?) The call ended on a rather stale note. I feel its all on his terms and I just have to put up with it.
Is it resolvable ?
AIBU ?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 09/04/2011 15:53

I think you need to sit down and discuss what you'd both like to happen honestly and reach some sort of compromise. I could happily cope with that sort of relationship, I have friends who need their partners on hand 24/7 and phone them constantly.
If you don't talk seriously, then there is a risk that your relationship will just dry up and blow away. You sound to have been very patient and understanding so far, and he's accepting it without much thought.

stopthecalling · 09/04/2011 18:07

Why do you have to spend weekends alone just because your DP is away? Don't you have any friends?

Original poster

Skifit · 09/04/2011 18:13

Not many. I have 2 good friend in my town, but thats it.
I did meet one of them today for a drink which was nice...but that was it. He bf came along too and they were off to walk their dog. Was invited but didnt want to impinge on their weekend off work together.

OP posts:

princessparty · 09/04/2011 18:17

I don't understand WHY he is going to the Glocs house every other weekend? Seems very fishy to me

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/04/2011 18:24

Some people are happy with a lot of time on their own, others are not. What you should be thinking about is whether the times when this man is with you are enjoyable enough to make up for the times when he isn't - and if you think they are worth it, then you need to work on developing other resources for the times he isn't there. How old is your DS and how much time does he spend with his father? You could look into joining some clubs or taking up some sociable hobbies as a way of making new friends.
Or if you really feel that what you want is a relationship with a partner who spends a lot more time with you/lives with you full time then you might need to consider splitting with the current man and looking for a new one.
Because I don't think option c (magic button that makes him want to be with you 24/7) is available, somehow.

HHLimbo · 09/04/2011 18:31

Sounds fishy to me too.. what is he doing up there?

Goblinchild · 09/04/2011 18:34

My DH needs a lot of personal space and solitude and always has. So if it's not your cup of tea, I'd look for a different relationship.
LOL at all those 'Ooh Err it's a bit fishy' types.

ilovesooty · 09/04/2011 18:36

With you on that, Goblinchild

clam · 09/04/2011 18:39

I don't think it's necessarily fishy, but it does seem clear that you each want different things from the relationship. You Need To Talk.

frantic51 · 09/04/2011 18:42

He's going because it is his family home and it probably holds very special memories for him. Is the house you live in together yours OP? Did he move in with you or is it somewhere you chose together? TBH if his family home is so important to him, and you love him, I don't see why the shabbiness and lack of heating should be so much of a problem. It seems that it is your choice not to go with him, he's not deliberately shutting you out? Could be that you moved about with your parents when you were young and so never got attached to a place in the way your DP obviously is and just don't really understand how he feels about the place? Certainly, you need to talk. Sorry you are finding the situation so difficult.

GloriaSmut · 09/04/2011 18:43

I can't see anything fishy about wanting to spend as little as every other weekend in a house that you own. However, I can see that it might be unsatisfactory to discover you are in a part-time relationship when you formerly lived with someone. But is the real problem not so much about geographical proximity but more about commitment in general? Because I suspect that the OP and her BF have rather different expectations in this relationship and it'd be helpful if this was resolved one way or another.

frantic51 · 09/04/2011 18:52

frantic51 · 09/04/2011 18:54

Sorry, didn't mean to post twice. My internet is fucking up.

Original poster

Skifit · 09/04/2011 19:50

I mostly dont go with him because of my son who is singing in choir every sunday. The house i have here I rent and am the only name on the tenancy agreement.

OP posts:

frantic51 · 09/04/2011 23:59

It is difficult when you have divided loyalties, I know and do understand you want to hear your son sing. Is your DP going to be working away permanently? Would there be any chance he could find a job nearer, or could you find a job nearer his?

FabbyChic · 10/04/2011 00:31

It seems your relationship is not moving towards being together but moving towards being apart.

YOu lived together now don't.

He does what he wants when he wants with no regard for you at all.

However if you wan't to see him at weekends and he goes to Glouc maybe you should go with him.

FabbyChic · 10/04/2011 00:33

Have you a relationship at all? You see him one weekend a month that's it!

Original poster

Skifit · 10/04/2011 21:39

Tbh ...After two emotional phone calls, and him hangin up on me cos he couldnt handle how i was feeling; I had a total meltdown on the phone last night with him. I was totally depressed with the situation , and his reaction to how i was feeling; being on my own at weekends.

I wasnt assertive or calm. (He must think me a nut case now).
I feel now I have lost face and it all went pear shaped.. :(
He has called since a lot and we are communicating and he is here tomrw.
I have said to him I never want to spend a total weekend alone again. He is making amends, so to speak and wants things to improve. Me too..of course.
His job he has, he is desperately hanging on to by the skin of his teeth. It could end at any minute..so who knows?

OP posts:

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