Should a good friend support the decisions you make in your life if they dont agree with them?

[epicfail]

I have recently been cut off completely by a close friend of over 20 years. She didnt agree with a decision our family made to take in another child. She stopped coming to our house once the child moved in and every time I mentioned the child's name in conversation, my friend would change the subject. This became quite awkward over time, so I composed a very calm, reasonable email to my friend expressing my hurt over the situation. (She can be very assertive/aggressive/dismissive face to face, hence my choice of email communication).

I said I did not need her to approve of the decision, but as a long standing and very close friend I thought she would support me even if she didnt approve.

Her reply was basically that she was not disapproving and that she had no opinion, it did not matter to her. (This to me is worse than her having a negative opinion!) Then she thanked me for my support through some of her difficult times and said goodbye. She has not answered any communication since and has even blocked me on Facebook. This was nearly four weeks ago.

I don?t think I was wrong to question her lack of support. I could understand someone not supporting a friend if what the friend was doing was illegal or morally reprehensible, but short of that, shouldn?t friends offer support even when they think our decisions and choices to be wrong?

I have ridden the roller coaster of emotions these past few weeks, but now I am just bloody angry that our friendship meant so little to her that she could toss it on the scrapheap without any discussion, the very first time I question it.

Was IBU?

How odd..you cant make her care though..sorry it's a long standing friend but this is a bit weird, would not be attempting to chase her, it's over imho, let it go she was not a good friend no just took this to see it

why did she object to the child? was there some reason she thought you should take it in ?

I think I would be very hurt if I was your friend, and can see why she would be upset, but not answering calls etc and blocking you on FB is a bit Diva-ish I think.
FWIW I would also be very hurt by your friends behaviour about your taking in a child, and I would probably have said something to her aswell. its a really tough one, sorry I cant be of more help!

Not really... How can you support somebody's decision if it's something that you don't agree with? All you can do is accept that they want to do something and they have a right to do it. You can't support it, just be there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong.

Sickoftheholidays, why would you be hurt if you were the friend that has now blocked epicfail's communications.

I would be hurt if I was epicfail. She has had her friend refuse to contact her because she was good enough to take a needy child into her family.

Epicfail, do you think this could be a case of jealousy? Maybe your friend thought you would not have time for her anymore if you had a child in your care.

Do you have other children?

AuraofDora , the only thing she really ever said was that it was unfair on my DCs. To which I replied that many people foster children, which in effect is what I am doing, and that there are DCs in foster families who have to make the same adjustments.

It's a tough one. I have grappled with this many times, both in thought and in real life.

My conclusions are that there is usually more going on than just the one incident that seems to cause the end of the friendship and the 'final straw' incident is often used as an excuse.

You may just be unaware of what has been building up over the years. This is no one's fault as the key to all good relationships is communication, which is a two way thing, obviously.

I don't blame you at all for the email, as I have done that myself. But on reflection I think it is almost entirely counterproductive, and if you really value the friendship you would want to speak face to face. Emails are very dangerous - it is impossible to convey the tone you want. You might have thought your email came across as dignified and bewildered, she could have read it as an aggressive attack.

I have lost a number of friends over the years because I did think the obligation of friendship was to try to 'rescue' friends from unsuitable situations - affairs with married men etc. I now think I just came accross as preachy and judgmental and what a true friend would do is not encourage a friend to do stupid things but accept that you often can't change people's minds and a true friend will often just need to be there to offer support and sympathy.

So while I think her behaviour is very odd and not the response of a true friend, I doubt very much a long standing friendship would implode over just one thing. I suspect there is more going on for her. If she has blocked you on Facebook I think you just have to accept it. You are not unreasonable to be angry but I think you also need to accept you may not know the full story - and that isn't your fault if she choses not to tell you.

Sorry, I know its hard.

foggyfig I have 3 DC of my own. I have always made time for this friend, we used to see each other a couple of times a week and talk on the phone in between. That did not change.

LWiTW I agree about being there to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong. But I do think it is possible to support a friend even though I might disagree with her decision. One case springs to mine where a friend of mine kept going back to a highly emotionally abusive relationship. I did not agree, and told her so each time, but I did not withdraw my energy from the friendship or refuse to discuss it with her, I was still there for her to vent to, and yes, picked up the pieces when she finally left him.

Spero, thank you for taking the time to reply so thoughtfully. I have been starting to look back and wonder the same thing, but as we never argued I didnt see it coming. As you said, I will probably never really know now if there was more to it.

Yes the email might have been a mistake - but knowing her as well as I thought I did, I knew she would block my attempts to discuss it, as I had tried to go there a couple of times and she would physically wave her arms around and say, "no, no, no," then yet again change the subject. Like I said, she is a very assertive person.

There must be more to it IMO

It seems a very odd thing for her to behave so negatively about this child.

epicfail... It is difficult, I agree. You've made a decision that you'd like your friend to support you in and whilst she's your friend it sounds as if she truly is diametrically opposed to what it is you've decided on. To talk about it is going to lead to arguments and perhaps she's trying to avoid that.

She's going to have to come to terms with your decision or lose your friendship and that's going to be difficult for her - and for you also. I wouldn't be surprised if your friendship peters out; not because of your decision and action but because of the normal 'friendship' things you cannot easily do now, ie. talking in an uninhibited way with this 'elephant in the room'.

I dont care so much that my friend doesnt approve. But I would have preferred it if she had been disapproving and discussed it, rather than try to pretend the child didnt exist. Yes, that elephant was coming everywhere with us in the end. It was very difficult for me to hold a conversation, as we have had the extra child for 6 months now - and talking about my family includes said child!

ENormaSnob I can not figure it out. My friend is a very, very private person, with one child. She will hardly let anyone in her house, in case they judge her/it, so I have wondered if it was just such a foreign idea to her that she couldnt process it? Whereas my house always has umpteen people in and out and I couldnt care less what people thought of my cleaning standards etc.

I wish I knew.

I am going to guess that she would like another child herself, but for some reason, it hasn't happened and probably won't. If my hunch is correct, perhaps she simply can't handle that you have gone and done something she wants but can't or won't have.

Am I way off target?

If you had become pregnant and given birth to another child then your other children would still have to adjust to a change and another child in the house.

You aren't asking her to take care of any of the children and none of them belong to her. I doubt you would have agreed to foster this child if you thought your family would be affected badly by your decision.

So no, I don't think you are being unreasonable in this instance. I'm assuming that you put a lot of thought into this decision as anything else would be wrong. Thought about your own children, thought about your foster child, thought about your family and your finances and your home. Because this is a big decision and it affects a lot of people so it is important to get it right.

And your friend doesn't seem to have given you credit for that or realised that your probably thought long and hard about it before you took the child in. And she doesn't sound like that great a friend. You've descibed her as assertive/aggressive/dismissive and she has just packed up and walked away, deleted you from facebook (the ultimate insult to my 15 year old neice!) and ridiculously ignored this childs existance in your life.

In general though, I don't think it's possible to expect anyone to support every single thing their friends do, as you have said, some things are just unsupportable and everyone has a line that they draw at something. But in this case I don't think it's you that's being unreasonable.

But I do think you will be much happier if you let this woman go and stop wasting your energies on her. It's sad that she can let this friendship go but she has and for such an odd reason she didn't even have the good grace to explain to you properly even when you wrote to her to tell her how you felt. She really isn't worth the effort you are devoting to her.

For obvious reasons you haven't gone into detail about the child that you have taken in but to put another perspective on the situation perhaps she thinks that it will honestly damage your DC's and what you are doing is wrong. Foster families are given support and it is made sure that arrangement is working for everyone. Children are very carefully and legally placed. She may be frustrated at your lack of awareness about the reality of what you are doing and because of that she has had to walk away.

When people post on here that they cannot help their friends to see sense, they are told to do the same, cut contact. We are entitled to our opinions and principles, it depends on the reasons behind your situation occuring.

Just recently there was a hoax post about a SP needing childcare and naively and dangerously people offered to help. I am not saying that this is the case but just trying to see it from her point of view.