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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About dd1 and the park? I'm fairly sure I am not.

45 replies

DooinMeCleanin · 09/04/2011 10:19

Dd1 is 7. She will be 8 in December. She is very street smart for her age.

We let her to go the park opposite our house. We can see most of the park, but the swings are obscured from our view by the houses on the other side of the road from us.

The park is visible from all sides by surrounding houses and roads i.e. there are no hidden crannies and abductors could spring out from.

All the children in this area play out from around 5 and upwards and they all look out for each other.

The park is always full of children, parents, dog walkers (who all dd1 as she will talk to anyone. If you own a dog and walk in our park, you will know dd1. She is the blonde girl who has two dogs of her own. You will know her life story, inc. what she is doing in school on Monday )

We can walk to the swings/play area within 60 seconds without having to cross any roads.

My mum is horrified that I let dd1 out alone, because you just never know who is watching. There could paedophiles watching her. SHe is a very attractive little girl and she is blonde so we need to take more care of her (obv. paedophiles don't care for brunettes ).

occasionally dd1 will see her friend's 14 year old sister and her friends and will talk to them. I shouldn't be allowing this either. You hear all the time about 14 year old boys with little girls. They are paedophiles. Especially with the blonde ones.

Anyone could take her and do anything with her.

So AIBU that a) my mother is a nutcase and b) in letting dd1 go to the park alone.

OP posts:

BarefootShirl · 09/04/2011 11:06

I agree with most of the posts above - she is being totally unreasonable and paranoid. DD regularly went to our nearby park to play with her friends at that age (as did I) and I was never overly worried. I really don't believe that there are more dangers out there than when I was growing up - only that there is more reporting of the crimes thanks to 24-hour news etc providing more airtime. Paedos have always existed and sadly always will but you can't keep DC wrapped up in cotton wool forever.

amberleaf · 09/04/2011 11:08

Your mum sounds a bit over the top, but i dont think 7 is old enough to go to the park alone.

The talking to dog walkers thing would worry me

amberleaf · 09/04/2011 11:09

*nothing against dog walkers! i just mean that she will so easily engage with someone because they have a dog

GypsyMoth · 09/04/2011 11:34

you have to keep some perspective....i've had 2 experiences with paedophiles,one in police force when we found ourselves in middle of a case where the murderer was imprisoned for life. the small victim was 8,and not blonde. but he had been playing out with his friends and lured away.........

second with my own dd,but we are waiting for police to give more information on this man as it may go to crown court,so cant say too much,and dd is 16 and not blonde either!! and she was in the safety of a trusted friends home

so with those 2 experiences clear in my mind (i can still picture that little boy we found) and i obviously cant sleep well with worry right now about what has happened with my daughter,i would STILL say your mum is being unreasonable!!!

SummerRain · 09/04/2011 11:52

I was almost abducted at 6, in germany from a field next the restaurant where my parents were eating in the middle of the countryside, by an older woman... and I don't have blonde hair.

Your mother would have palpatations!

my kids are 2,4 and 6 and play in the field in front of our house all day, I check on them fairly often if the littlest one is out but if it's just the 4 and 6 years old i barely check as they know the limits of where they can go and don't push the boundaries and I firmly believe it's better for them to play without feeling watched constantly. At 4 I was calling on friends in a differant section of our estate and playing in the park with them. My mother could see part of the park and part of my route to their houses from the window but couldn't see me at all times.

COCKadoodledooo · 09/04/2011 11:59

Ds1 is 7, and I won't let him go to the park on his own BUT that is because it's over half a mile away and across a road that has a 30mph limit that is largely ignored by twats and lorries that have no business being there. In your situation I'd probably let him go alone.

mumeeee · 09/04/2011 12:09

YANBU. The park is oppasite your house and I'm sure she is fine. I didn't let my DD's go to the park near us alone before they were 10 but that was because they had to cross a busy road,

edam · 09/04/2011 12:37

Yes, your mother is a nutcase and yes you are fine letting dd go to the park. You know your daughter and your neighbourhood, you are the best person to make a decision about this.

I saw a presentation at a medical conference about how far the range that children are allowed to play out in has shrunk over generations. It was scary. Kids today have so little freedom. Which is dangerous, because they don't learn how to be safe outside their own gardens.

BringBackGoingForGold · 09/04/2011 12:50

YANBU. At 7 my friends and I were out all day crossing roads and roaming fields and falling off logs into filthy streams and even playing with old abandoned fridges! (I seem to remember some sort of hysteria when I was little about how kids could fall into fridges and get trapped and die) .

Your DD sounds clued-up and confident, and very socially skilled. I really fear for kids who are so cossetted that they don't know how to talk to people outside their immediate circle. Surely it doesn't help to develop social skills? I agree that as long as she is very clear on stranger danger (which it sounds as if she is), she'll be fine.

bakingno4 · 09/04/2011 21:00

Yanbu in letting your dd1 play out, I have exactly the same situation and I let my dc aged 7 and 6 play out together, my only concern is actually the older children in the park!

backwardpossom · 09/04/2011 21:07

Personally, I think 7 is too young to be playing out alone. Not because of the "paedophile" threat, but because of the possibility of harm through accident/not making sensible choices re. danger etc. this is particularly when there are a group of children.

It's a wonder any of us made it into adulthood really, isn't it, Littlefish?

FlamingJamie · 09/04/2011 21:09

Sounds like she reads the Express to me .....

elliepac · 09/04/2011 21:11

How timely. Today, for the very first time, I have let DS (Year 3) go to the park with his friends and agonised over the decision and then was worried sick the entire time he was there. The park in our case is about 100m away, no roads to cross whatsoever (at the end of our culdesac) and I can see some of it if i stand in front of my house. He had the rule that he had to come back and check in with me every 15 mins which he dutifully did. I would not let him go on his own. Clearly he was fine and rather chuffed at his new found independence! I was a nervous wreck .

So YANBU I think.

CurrySpice · 09/04/2011 21:20

I, personally, would be a bit worried about it TBH. Not sure why, just shrugs think 7 is a bit young

awaits flaming

CurrySpice · 09/04/2011 21:21

and to add, summerrain's post made me drew a sharp breath!

I think I might need to drop my shoulders a bit

FabbyChic · 09/04/2011 21:30

Your mother is a certified fruitbat.

youngjoly · 09/04/2011 21:58

I could have written most of your post OP.
My 7 year old DD goes to the park with friends but with no adults. The park is out of view, and like you, OP, my DD is very confident and very chatty. However, for her protection - we do the following:

She has a cheap £10 mobile phone zipped up in her pocket, so she can contact me at all times, if there is a problem, change of plans etc.

She knows not to go with anyone* - and that includes friends, their parents, people she knows and those she doesn't know without checking with me first. She knows a stranger is an automatic no and for people she knows, she needs to check. She has a phone to do this.

She knows that if anyone tries to bundle her into a car (difficult because of the location of the park) but she knows to shout no, and if they persist to shout out 'This is not my daddy / mummy'. We have practised this at home.
She has a watch and knows to come home at agreed times.
She knows if she breaks the rules, she will not be allowed out alone again - for months. Thus, her freedom is very important to her, and so she is 'extra good' when out alone. Other mums have commented on how sensible and mature she is (including once when she refused to go home with one mum, as she wasn't allowed).

But she knows all this because she has her freedom. So she has to be well trained. I personally think she is safer than children who are not given their freedom, because she knows what to do / what not to do. All it takes is a minute - and how many other children are prepared like this...?

youngjoly · 09/04/2011 21:59

She also knows what to do in case of need - which houses to go to, and if that is not possible to go and find another mummy with small children.

mykidseyessparkle · 09/04/2011 22:00

I don't know where you live nor what your area is like. I live in the UK and work within the Criminal Justice System so I see a lot of cases where children are vicitms and there is no way in the world that I will be allowing my DS to go anywhere alone when he is 7, 8 or even 9.

You say that the park is just 60 seconds from your house but that is much more time than is needed for someone to abduct a child. There was of course the case of Jamie Bulger in the UK who was abducted by two children who were not even I their teens. they tortured him and killed him. He had been in a shopping centre with his mum and she had turned her attention from him for no more than seconds and he was gone.

There was another case in the UK of a little girl Sarah Payne who was playing with siblings in a field very near to her home and she was abducted and killed by a pedophile despite being with other people. She was I think a similar age to your DD.

I note that you say that your DD is very street wise and of course you know her better than anybody but you then go on to suggest that she talks to anybody. if she spoke to an adult with bad intentions it wouldn't take much to bundle her into the back of a car.

I appreciate that(thankfully) this sort of thing is very rare but I for one will not be willing to take the risk.

Your mum in my view is not a fruit bat.

BlueAmy · 09/04/2011 22:11

I think you really have to balance the risk against the individual child. Some you will feel are mature enough to be trusted at a very young age, some can even be twice the OP's child's age and still be a massive concern because they can lose their heads so quickly.

For me, personally, it seems a bit young to be out of sight. I have a DS who is not that much younger than the OP's DS and he feels a world away from being ready. I may feel differently in a year or so's time, who knows?

You really can't have a definitive view on this IMO. It's too subjective.

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