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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you are secure in your choices

41 replies

Cat98 · 08/04/2011 22:36

you won't take offence when others make different choices to you? And even say how great their choices are?

I am not thinking of one particular thing here, lots of things really. The free range thread started it off - people getting very defensive because others are questioning their choices to eat meat/not to eat meat/to eat organic meat. I understand that sometimes it isn't a choice (for example in the case of one poor poster on that thread) but then, there's no need to get angry at people stating their thoughts - because you are doing the best (only?) thing you can do for your family.

Also I was thinking about it with regards to breastfeeding - if people are posting facts, figures, statements about breastfeeding and formula feeders get upset - why? I can understand feeling sad if you really wanted to breastfeeed and it didn't work out. But that's not the person's fault who is posting facts about gastroenteritis is it? Feel sad, yes - don't read if it's going to upset you. But don't get angry and say people are "making" you feel guilty.

Debate is a good thing, but I know there are things I do that might not be the "best" for any particular reason. but I know they wer either the best thing for my family at the time, or that they were compromised because I chose to focus on other things, or even that gasp I made a mistake/error of judgement! But hey, I'm human - I make mistakes, move on form them, maybe learn from them.

Do I make any sense?! And no, I'm not drunk.. just a pondering. Aibu?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 08/04/2011 22:38

YANBU but I think most of the arguments on here come not from the fact people are insecure, they just don't like being preached at.

And I think there's a lot of preaching that goes on in both sides of those two subjects in particular.

tallulahxhunny · 08/04/2011 22:39

I personally dont give a fig what anyone thinks, i gave up a long time ago worrying about what other people think about me or things i do, I also gave up pussyfooting around people so now i just speak my mind, if you ask me a question expect the truth even if it hurts (shrugs)

Original poster
Cat98 · 08/04/2011 22:40

Hmm, I can see your point but I do think that a lot of the time (not all, I concede) people are not preaching - just putting across a side of their argument, often about something they feel passionately about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cat98 · 08/04/2011 22:41

I do too Tallulah, about most things.. I do check myself however because the few things that get me really het up are things that I am not necessarily secure about.

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 08/04/2011 22:47

I agree with you.

buttonmooncup · 09/04/2011 00:43

YANBU that people shouldn't be offended if others say they eat free range meat/breastfeed/whatever if you are happy with your choices but if people make personal insults about your choices when they know very little about you then it's not surprising that people get annoyed.

buttonmooncup · 09/04/2011 00:46

Also the "my way is the best/only way" attitude of some people tends to grate on me.

AgentZigzag · 09/04/2011 00:56

When someone has gone through a traumatic time or they've had a bad experience with something it can make them really emotional about whatever they went through

So when they see it online they have to say something.

Some people want to get their voice heard and don't have a chance in RL, or maybe it gives them stimulation in an otherwise mundane life.

Who knows.

But what's bothering me is why you felt you had to say you're not drunk?

Skinit · 09/04/2011 01:57

I tend to go off the beaten track historically...I have often doubuted myself but am growing into my odness as I age...I have done many things in a "different" way....my friend says that it's who I am...people would not expect me to be normal.

HipHopopotomus · 09/04/2011 02:13

For me the most negative thing about mn is the high number of people who respond to a positive comment about Breastfeeeding as if they have been directly attacked for using formula.

Does my blinking head in!

Bearskinwoolies · 09/04/2011 02:57

Yanbu - a lot of the things we say here wouldn't be taken so harshly if said irl; comments on message boards can be taken completely the wrong way from what was intended.

I can see why posters get defensive though; at times it can seem as if posters are pushing others into justifying every little thing. I find it bothers me when people assume that simply because it is 'their' experience, they know best and everyone else is wrong.

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 07:06

I do agree with you OP and totally agree with hiphopotomus about the bf thing. I rarely come across anyone who believes passionately in bf (as I do) slating or berating ff. In the bf/ff threads bf's are called all kinds of things and there are all kinds of accusations against them for simply stating facts abd that is so silly and defensive! I have read so many statements where people say 'bf is creepy' I don't like it etc but if I said that about ff (not that I would) can you imagine the comments!

hairfullofsnakes · 09/04/2011 07:11

But bearskin it doers matter if someone else thinks their way is the only right way that is their prerogative and if someone is getting riled it says more about them! If I am confident in my choices it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If I am not then it is up to me to look at different thinking on whatever the subject is and change what I do.

People should be allowed to say how they feel even if it is not agreeable to all.

goodbyemrschips · 09/04/2011 07:28

I am too old to be worrying about what other people think [42 lol]

But if everybody just said

''yes your decision is fine and good luck'', mumsnet would of crashed years ago''

bubbleymummy · 09/04/2011 08:10

I agree with you. I am secure in all my decisions but that is because they are all the right ones Wink

heliumballoons · 09/04/2011 08:19

I'm not secure in all my decisions and that they are right iyswim, but they are right for me at the time, or they are something I'm trying because it feels right.

Others posting different arguments can help me look at facts/ different PoV but I have never changed my mind because someone tells me another way is better/correct - its because I've realised I need a different approach and make a choice which one I will take Grin

DuplicitousBitch · 09/04/2011 08:20

there is a certain type of forum poster who want to be offended and get wildly angry, it is like some sort of emotional work out,

LaWeasel · 09/04/2011 08:37

I think people find it upsetting to be told that decisions they've made aren't just wrong but are damaging of harmful.

I can't say I've seen formula feeders get upset because someone posted something positive about breastfeeding - but they do get upset if people say something positive and then follow it with "I don't know why some people don't bother" because it implies they formula fed because they don't care about how they feed their children.

It's really incredibly rude.

It's the same on the eggs thread. It's upsetting to be told you're not doing the right thing when youa re doing the best you can with what you have right now.

saffy85 · 09/04/2011 08:45

Exactly LaWeasel. I don't get offended by people posting their opinions on BF because I FF. I get pissed off when in the same post these people imply that I'm selfish/don't give a fuck about my child's health because I FF.

It doesn't keep me awake at night or anything, just pisses me off. I refuse to feel bad because I haven't BF DD and nor do I intend to BF DC2 who is due in the summer.

cunexttuesonline · 09/04/2011 08:47

I know what you mean. For example, the SAHM/WOHM debates - nothing anyone says in them will offend me as i am completely happy with my choices. Doesn't mean that we can't debate the pros and cons though.

exoticfruits · 09/04/2011 08:59

It all makes for interesting reading when people get so uptight!
It is insecurity. People read up on things, make a decision and justify it by trying to make it the only decision-or at least the best decision -so they can't accept that anyone is happy and successful doing things differently. I'm sure that mothers in the past were more laid back and not interested in what others do.

sausagesandmarmelade · 09/04/2011 09:05

Your first sentence was spot on.

I can't understand why people would get offended by other people's choices unless they personally impact on them or other people.

Have seen on many a thread where people are ridiculed for their choices. What does it matter? Why do people care? It's their life, not yours.

Unless they are insecure about their own choices.

LaWeasel · 09/04/2011 09:05

exoticfruits I am absolutely peeing myself at the idea that past parents were more relaxed. Just because there was a more standard model doesn't mean they didn't worry about it.

People justify there decisions by deciding they are the best ones and nothing else is as good. Uhm, yes? Otherwise they wouldn't choose to do those things! People don't sit down and say, oh, I'm going to get the second best car seat (for example) instead of the best unless they have an overriding reason not to get the best (too expensive say) and it's pretty irrelevant what that reason is.

exoticfruits · 09/04/2011 09:11

People read the books and say 'I am going to co sleep' and then if you mention that your baby is in a separate room you can be sure that their baby is going to be more emotionally secure! The read Alfie Kohn and UP is the way and you are damaging your DC you used rewards. The can argue, until the cows come home, that the 'second best' car seat is the best. HEers will tell you that any parent educating is better than a school etc etc.

I'm sure that my mother just got on with it-didn't read books and didn't worry about what age Mrs X down the road was weaning her baby and whether it was child led etc.

sausagesandmarmelade · 09/04/2011 09:13

Of course there are some people too who will argue for aguaments sake, who will flame anyone who doesn't agree with their own point of view perhaps because it makes them feel important or superior or because they have very little going on in their lives apart from MN....or perhaps they simply just enjoy getting a rise out of people and/or want to establish/reinforce their own position on the site.

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