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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be so angry at my mother or do I need to grow up!!

23 replies

Stressymoo · 08/04/2011 22:18

Evening all! will try and keep this short!

2 1/2 weeks ago I was rushed in to hospital due to pregnancy complications resulted in an emergency c section with baby born a month premature

Our son spent 10 days on SCBU 5 of them
In ICU thank goodness all is well now and our son is home with us!

My AIBU relates to my mum she was with me during the birth then returned home the following day, promising she would be back at the weekend to give us a helping hand as we have 2 other toddlers and we could not take then on to the ICU unit so me and DH were taking it in turns to visit our newborn. Plus I could not do too much at home the first few days due to c section and DH could have used the help with our toddlers!! (remember she offered)

Anyhow weekend came and went no visit and now we are 2 1/2 weeks since his birth and mum has not Been back up so see baby or us!!

So yesterday my brother and his partner had there baby my mum and her partner came up to see them (as they should) but did not think of calling in to see us (we live approx 30mins away) until I asked?? Even then they were thinking about it so I told them not to bother!

AIBU to be angry that they have not bothered to see us and the toddlers or newborn in over 2 weeks????

Especially when they know I have been stuggling emotionally since the birth!???

Or i'am I just been a silly child and should grow up!! And get over the PND she suggested I have

Ok let the flaming start!!!

OP posts:

Dawnybabe · 08/04/2011 22:25

So you had a premature baby, by emcs, her grandchild, and she hasn't even been to see you???

Has she always been a heartless bitch?

flyingspaghettimonster · 08/04/2011 22:26

I don't think any emotions after childbirth can be unreasonable - they are how you feel, you can't control it. Maybe your Mum just isn't keen on babies - my mum made me a bit sad by telling me she doesn't start liking kids till about 18 months when they have a personality - I felt my first born was plenty interesting before then, but she didn't ever want to do anything baby related with me - she only ever wanted to go shopping where baby could be bunged in a stroller for the day. Maybe your mum is just a bit hands off until babies are older? Or a bit overwhelmed at the thought of two new babies she is supposed to be lavishing attention on?

Again10 · 08/04/2011 22:27

YANBU

EricNorthmansMistress · 08/04/2011 22:29

YANBU that is completely shocking

Congratulations by the way x

notagypsy · 08/04/2011 22:29

She should have been there for you more, if not turning up at your door definetly phoning to see if you needed any help watching the other ones.

YANBU at all!!

YouaretooniceNOT · 08/04/2011 22:30

YADNBU!

WHY?

Was there an atmos between you, her and your husband? Any unecessary remarks by anyone?

There must be a history of her being uncaring in some aspect?

You must be feeling hurt and confused which is made even worst by the emotions one feels after childbirth.

Is your Mother a toxic parent generally?

YouaretooniceNOT · 08/04/2011 22:30

Congratualtions x

Bluebell99 · 08/04/2011 22:37

It would be lovely if your mother did want to help you, but alot of people have to cope without any help. How old is your mother? My mum was shockingly unhelpful after the birth of my ds by cs. She did nothing to help. In fact we had to look after her! And it was a bit of a shock, particularly as she had helped my sister alot with her two. In fact she would often tell me how hard it was for her, as she had no help. She has never babysat for me in eleven years. I've just learnt to get along with it. She loves to show off photos of my kids to her friends and brag about their achievements but doesn't really know them at all.

IhateMarlo · 08/04/2011 22:42

YABU, by not giving her a (verbal) slap around the head. Normally I get annoyed by thoes theads where people seem to expect their Mum/Dad to be on hand for child care, but in this case (a) you've had a crappy time and (b) she offered FFS.

PS Congratulations

Original poster

Stressymoo · 08/04/2011 22:43

Oh god thank you all not for flaming me!! I was starting to think I was been unreasonable!!

She's not a bad mum as such it just she does not deal with emotions is quite a hard women when it comes to it

There have been many times over the years she has let me down most serious to me was not attending first son's christening as she was working nights and could not change shifts, she always lets us down only saw the kids twice last year!! Blames the fact she live away!(an hours drive!! If that) but I always forgive and forget

No problems with hubby and her through he will never forgive her for how she is hurting me now

I'm really not a person to argue and fight but I have really let rip in some text messages ( a I'm a sad emotional muppet and I knownif I speak to her I will cry) fit goings off my chest but she does not see there is a problem in our relationship and is now blaming me my mood since the birth!! And now say's it's PND!!!

OP posts:

BlueAmy · 08/04/2011 22:48

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, and no, YANBU.

Original poster

Stressymoo · 08/04/2011 22:51

Should mention i woud never expect her to have my kids hell there aged 3 1/2 and 2 years old so I know there a hand full!

She had never bothered with any child always wanted tinge at the birth loved the drama!!

Just like this time saw the birth and then pisses off!!

As for needing help, we really did!! 2 toddlers one newborn on SCBU me with a c section and I also suffer with epilepsy and the past 2 week have been seizure nightmares!!!

OP posts:

ShirleyKnot · 08/04/2011 22:53

YANBU.

poor you. and ignore her indignant replies.

ohhappyday · 08/04/2011 22:59

Congratulations

Trust all is well with wee one now. You have had a very stressful time. Having three small children is difficult at the best of times. However, prem baby c section etc is awful. Give your self a big pat on the back.

Your Mum is being very very unreasonable. However, you sound as though you have her sussed i.e. a hard woman etc. You will not be able to change her into the person that you wish she was.

She knows how you feel, I wouldn't have any more of these conversations with her at the moment. She is having the typical reaction of a "toxic parent" denial, blaming you etc.

Best way forward is to accept the way she is and deal with it from there.

You have a lovely family, supportive partner and I am sure many other great things in your life - concentrate on these. Look after yourself whenever you get the chance. It is very early days, you are doing marvelously - I would not be able to string two words together let alone log on etc,

Original poster

Stressymoo · 09/04/2011 10:43

Thanks all

OP posts:

lesley33 · 09/04/2011 11:11

YANBU
But one of the things that has helped me deal with my mum in the long term is getting some understanding of why she behaves as she does. She had a very very difficult childhood and I now understand how some of what she does is directly related to how she managed to deal with her childhood.

You say your mum is hard faced. Often people are like that because in their childhood no one really cared about their feelings, so they learned to keep in and even deny to themselves their feelings.

This is not an excuse for your mums or my mums behaviour. It just helped me to stop feeling so crap about my mum's behaviour.

ENormaSnob · 09/04/2011 11:17

Yanbu

she sounds like a tool.

overmydeadbody · 09/04/2011 11:23

YANBU

Could it be that she was traumatised by your birth? (clutching at straws here I know)

chunkyjojo · 09/04/2011 12:37

YANBU thats just horrible and so hurtful. You seem to know exactly what she's like though so suggest you make up your mind that you will not ask for help from her nor accept it if she ever offers. That way you avoid feeling disappointed/rejecterd. Keep your distance.

Congrats on the new baby BTW and hope you're feeling better

HerHissyness · 09/04/2011 14:02

In many ways totally different circumstances, but the same end result.

'H' and I have split, it's been on the cards for a while. It has now come to light that Mum hid the planning of a trip down under (the exact same time as 'H' had been saying he was leaving since before Xmas) She only told me of her 4 week trip the day or so after she booked it, but she'd been discussing it for months with my sister.

Since she came back, now that I am on my own, she never calls, never pops by, as she used to, and if I call her, it's like she can't end the call soon enough. Despite telling me weeks ago that she could do child care for me this easter, she rang the other day to tell me she might not be able to cover all of it now.

Not that it changes anything, but my Dad's theory (they are divorced) is that she can't bear to see me suffer. OK then, so leaving me to my own devices, withdrawal of all RL support, emotionally and practically is acceptable then is it?

My betting is that it'll come down to that. Your mother can't bear to have seen you suffer, the anguish of the ICU etc, and has bailed for her own mental sake.

My sister has given my mum a rocket me thinks cos suddenly Mum is talking about her and me going out together, doing this, that and the other. Am tempted to say that this is not what I need, I only ever needed someone to ask me how I was and mean it once in a while. Treating me like I had done something heinous, or had a communicable disease is just dreadful. I managed to get through a lot with this 'H' and it's a miracle my old depression didn't return, My 'H' and his abuse couldn't get me down, but the failure of my mother to be there very nearly did. For a while I really worried that the stance she had taken, the shock of me realising that she didn't want to help me was enough to make mne feel lower than I have done in YEARS. I'll tgell her all this, cos she has to learn somehow. I know that she can't do anything, nothing at all, I don't necessarily want her to really, but just the odd squeeze of a hand works wonders, just to know someone is there.

It's hurtful love, I know. I hope you can see her soon so you can tell her how much you needed her and how much it hurt not to have her there.

megapixels · 09/04/2011 14:08

My goodness, what a poor excuse for a mother. YANBU.

Deliainthemaking · 09/04/2011 14:16

Congratulations, YANBU

ilovecrisps · 09/04/2011 14:25

YAN that U
but it's not that uncommon

she was with you for the first 12+ hours which is more than a lot of people

just keep your distance form now on

she doesn't want to get her hands dirty so she will end up seeing less of the kids

oh and congrats on your new baby

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