to be happy for my dad but not to really want to talk about it? LONG!

[FoxtrotMikiLima]

Bit of background first....My mum died in October last year after suffering from MS for a very long time. The last ten years had been particularly hell as in that time my mum gradually lost all movement and was unable to do anything for herself, despite remaining the completely lucid and intelligent, articulate woman she always had been. In addition to the terrible pain, she began to not be able to deal with 'normal' illnesses and despite being on Skype with my ds only a few days before, a chest infection quickly developed into pneumonia and she died soon after.

My dad had been been her primary carer and the most loyal and devoted husband I think anyone could wish for in those circumstances. He really deserves a stab at happiness after years of 24/7 care.

A few months ago, one of my mum's friends who had lost her husband last year contacted my dad to attend a few social occasions with her and from that they developed a close bond (my dad was adamant she was just a friend). It suddenly went from this vehement 'I'm just friends' to being quite obviously a proper relationship, but my dad clearly felt unable to tell me plainly and I had to work it out for myself.

He then completely swayed the other way and has not stopped talking about her - constantly asking me how I feel about it and bombarding me with details about how they are going on holiday here, taking a trip there etc.

Please don't get me wrong, I really want my dad to be happy but I'm finding it so hard to deal with this turnaround while I am still raw and grieving for my mum. I don't not want him to have this lady around or even be able to talk about her to me - but just not to the extent that it obliterates every single conversation I have with him.

It culminated on mothers' day when we spoke. Rather than want to talk about both our feelings, he started telling me about how he's taking her away to France. Rightly or wrongly, I completely crumbled and told him I would have to ring him back later. I just didn't want to have to deal with it. When I spoke to him later, he said he understood but thought I was just being too sensitive.

I'm also worried that if this relationship doesn't last that he will crash even lower than when my mum first died. Again, she's a lovely woman (I've known her since I was tiny) but I'm worried all they really have in common is their shared grief, and when real life starts to creep back in, they may not have much else.

What to do?

I think you need to support him by listening to him talk, BUT manage when he gets a chance to talk to you about this stuff.

It is not at all the same (!) but my mum and dad split up after c. 30 years and she then came out. For a while, and even now, she was very loved up with her new DP and wanted her at everything, always on the phone with her if the DP wasn't around, etc. It meant I almost never spent time with my mum alone. It's been 2-3 years now and we still don't have family time without the DP.

But I know if I ever hint that I don't want her involved, my mum will take that as a comment on her relationship. Initially, I think she did feel weird/ guilty about it. I imagine your dad is the same and is largely seeking reassurance that you're not angry.

So I would put up with it as much as you can bear it, but do 'engineer' situations so he can't do it at times that would upset you, such as maybe not getting together on Mothers' Day or her birthday.

Sorry, I know it's hard :(

...And that was a bit of an essay!!

I completely understand where you are coming from with this, I really do. My mum died last year after a horrendous illness and my dad was destroyed beyond words. My mum's friend was a great support (she also lost her husband last year, they were all good friends) and the same thing happened as with your dad in that they went from being friends to obviously more. While I wanted my dad's happiness it was incredibly hard as he (like your dad) talked about her all the time and I knew he was still grieving for my mum. It's such mixed feelings you have isn't it. I had exactly the same concerns as you have.

My best advice would be to perhaps gently tell your dad that although you do find it difficult someomes, you are happy they have each other and try to steer the subject onto other things too. I know plenty of people will say tell him to be more sensitive as I probably would have previously but my outlook is perhaps slightly different. My dad also died last year when he had just started making plans again, I swear I would give anything at all to be able to talk to him about anything at all. It's so incredibly difficult and I used to get quite upset with my Dad sometimes but I look back now and wish with all my heart that he had at least had the chance to be happy again without my mum but he never got that.

I really do understand though. x

Thanks both of you, and Megatron, I'm sorry for your loss too. That's made me shed a tear and think a little more objectively too.

I guess I'm just trying to realign my relationship with my dad - and I never thought that something like this would happen so soon.

Adversecamber - yes, you've hit the nail on the head, he is constantly seeking my approval but unfortunately his attempts to do so bring out the teenage daughter syndrome in me and the more he tries, the more I retreat. I know I need to be more grown up about the whole thing - I think even my mum would have approved - but it's been hard enough trying to get back to normality as it is, without this extra dimension.

and sorry, adversecamber, I'm sorry about your mum too. It's so hard. x

Foxtrot that was the main thing that bothered me, how soon it was because it almost felt like a betrayal of my mum. I couldn't get my head round it because he was so devastated about losing mum but it all happened quite soon afterwards. Now I think that they were both helping each other deal with their respective grief, he told me how they laughed together and cried together and now that some time has passed I really do believe that she helped him at least attempt to move on.

I think your dad sounds in a very similar place just now. I hope he's able to be happy again. I hope you can too because I know you probably feel like you should be able to be terribly grown up about it all but want to scream 'what about mum!'. It's bloody hard.

Megatron - yes, I'm constantly thinking that. The other thing that happened which I was sensitive pissed off about was when I told my dad last month that I was pregnant with dc2, the next phone call I had with him was to say 'oh X sends her congratulations'. It was before my 3 month scan and he knew I didn't want anyone else to know (not even my grandparents) because I was worried about the scan outcome. I felt like screaming at him, like you said. (but didn't) :(

Yep I know that feeling too - he would tell her things and I would be thinking 'why is he telling her that?' and get really hacked about it. But I don't think he realised he was doing it and I bet your dad doesn't either as I'm sure he'd never in a million years hurt you on purpose.

I really do know how had this is for you, please feel free to message me if it gets to much and you feel like a moan! Congratulations on your pregnancy too, that's a wonderful thing to look forward to.

Thank you lovely Megatron!

My dad is one of life's good guys despite acting like a bit of an infatuated puppy idiot at times.

:) x

Oh so you've obviously had the 'bloody hell he's 70 not 25!' conversation with yourself whilst stomping about your house too!

Many years ago a child I was looking after mother was killed in a car accident at Easter. By October the father was engaged to someone he'd recently met. I made a rather sarcastic comment about men when I was told. A lovely wise old work collegue who overheard me said "oh, my mother used to say it is the greatest compliment they can give as they obviously adored being married"
I have thought about it a lot over the years and I tend to agree. In the above case the marriage was a great success and it meant 3 young children grew up as a family with a very happy father.
I am so sorry for your loss though. tilba x

There are other people your dad could talk to in that loved-up way, who would not be hurt by it as you are. I don't think you should have to put up with it just to make him feel happy - it is hurting you and that is understandable. He might be comforted to have a new partner, but you are still without a mum Could you have a conversation with him where you tell him exactly how happy you are for him and that your mum would have approved, etc, but then tell him that you are still feeling too raw to keep talking about his new partner so he needs to keep it to a minimum while you adjust and grieve in your own time? Or perhaps there is someone else who could have this conversation with him?

Oh Foxtrot - I understand where you and other posters on this thread are coming from. My lovely Mum died very suddently three years ago. My Dad was destroyed - he adored her. He tried to move the first girlfriend in 5 weeks after Mum died. I was so so angry with him.

We've been through some very painful times since then. For me it was a adjustment to a relationship - we've both now reached a place where we are comfortable with each other.

His new (No.4) girlfriend is moving into my Mum and Dad's house in August. I cried when he told me. For me it is a betrayal, it seems to me to devalue the family life that we had as I was growing up but I also know that he will never feel happy on his own and I don't want that. She isn't my mum though and I don't want to hear about her all of the time, so I don't. He knows that and does respect that boundary now, but it's taken time to get there.

So so sorry for your loss xxx

Ha! Megatron - more like " he's 60 going on 16!"

TheProvincialLady - Yes, I've chatted to him about it and he does understand but he's understandably quite self absorbed at the moment and doesn't always engage his brain before he speaks. He did get quite cross with himself when I first mentioned it - i just hope it doesn't swing the other way and he completely clams up because that would be awful too.

Aintmissbeehiving - that's so tough too. You think you reach a certain point in your life where you reckon you know your parents and then something shakes the foundations like a new partner, and it's hard to work out where everything in your relationship fits again.