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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling really angry when discovering 'my friend' discusses my marriage issues with others?

17 replies

OneDove · 07/04/2011 16:06

Ok so I generally assume when Dh and I have a bit of a row, I can go to my friends and rant about it. I have found out today that one of my friends has been discussing my marriage with people I am not particularly close too. I don't know exactly what she is saying, but it is def painting my marriage in a bad light. My husband can be a bit annoying at times but that's it.
So do I confront her about this?
Should I have specified everything I tell her is confidential?
I am fuming!!!!!www.mumsnet.com/te/6.gif

OP posts:
worraliberty · 07/04/2011 16:08

Who told you this?

BarbieLovesKen · 07/04/2011 16:08

Yes, how do you know?

hecate · 07/04/2011 16:09

Stop telling her about your arguments.

Thing is, when you tell people all about the crap bits, they naturally form an opinion on the state of your marriage from that. You don't go and tell them all the great stuff, you don't go back and say actually, we were both a couple of arses... you don't present any sort of balance.

So all you do is keep relaying tales of marital woe you can't be surprised when people a) think your marriage is in trouble and b) think your husband is a bastard.

I have learned this in my life. It's the reason I try not to tell people any more about our difficulties. I'm not balanced. I don't tell them when I have been a cow. I present myself as the good guy and the victim and then don't like it when they think I am in a bad relationship.

AgentZigzag · 07/04/2011 16:10

She just sounds like she's a gossip.

Most people talk about the other people they know at some time or other, but if she's painting your marriage in a bad light you'd have to be asking why she would do that.

Does she not like it that you're married?

Original poster
OneDove · 07/04/2011 16:10

A mutual friend who I trust.....but she does not get on with friend in question.
Yet friend in question does have a history of stirring a little....tricky!

OP posts:
YouaretooniceNOT · 07/04/2011 16:11

It is very rare to be able to call a friend trustworhty IME. Keep most of it to yourself or find other friends to chat to that are not connected to this friend. If this friend doesn't know anyything she can't gossip. You can then pretend all is O.K but she will get the gist that you do not trust her anymore.

AgentZigzag · 07/04/2011 16:11

Some great friends you've got there OP.

Original poster
OneDove · 07/04/2011 16:13

Hecate: yeah think I realising I do that. I do moan but don't redress the balance when Dh and I do sort it out.
Thanks.
I still wouldn't expect the sharing of info with others though.

OP posts:
hecate · 07/04/2011 16:15

no. Certainly not. that's totally out of order.

Tell her.

valiumredhead · 07/04/2011 16:15

I don't really say anything about my marriage that I wouldn't be happy with it being shared around.

Have you never heard of the rule of 3? Wink

Original poster
OneDove · 07/04/2011 16:17

It's that dilemma if I tell her she out of line, she will want to know how I found out. That puts my other friend in a difficult position.
I guess I dont have to tell her that bit..... aagghh....tempted to just ignore and just withdraw gracefully from confiding in her.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneDove · 07/04/2011 16:18

Rule of 3? Nope excuse my ignorance ...:)

OP posts:
FluffyDonkey · 07/04/2011 16:20

I dunno, if you can talk about something so personal to a third party, why wouldn't she mention it in passing to someone, seeing as it's not at all personal for her IYSWIM?

Does your DH mind you talking about your marriage to a friend?

I don't talk about our private arguments/decisions/conversations etc. out of respect for DH.

Original poster
OneDove · 07/04/2011 16:24

I just thought that's what friends were for. To listen and not judge. Does this exclude marriage ? Maybe I overstepped the mark? It was a close friend. Hmmmnn.....

OP posts:
ohnoudidnt · 07/04/2011 16:49

I would let her know you know, and ask her why she felt the need to discuss your marriage.She may have done it innocently though, just chatting,and maybe your other friend that told you made it sound worse iyswim....ask her in a calm way as she may have an explanation...but in future possibly keep such personal things between you and dh.

jeckadeck · 07/04/2011 16:54

This is why I never talk out of school about my marriage. Third parties always massively exaggerate the problems and your perception is one-sided so, as hecate points out, isn't going to hear your other half's side. Women friends are also programmed to take your side, which is going to distort it further. Plus, call me old fashioned but I kind of think that the sanctity of marriage should mean you don't do that. Its partly about trusting the other person not to go running to his/her mates with every cough and spit of domestic unrest. Obviously if I were facing something really serious (DV/infidelity/serious bullshit from DH) I would talk to a friend. But if its just a bitch about something low level its not worth it.

GabbyLoggon · 07/04/2011 16:57

yes, its not on; not done, not nice. below ze belt.

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