please tell me IABU and give me a kick....

[Anushka11]

I need to get a grip!
In short, I was due to go away for work related course for 3 days/ 2 nights. Single mother, oldest DC almost 18, youngest 4. So, while oldest is capable in looking after, I would not dream of leaving them for 3 days, and father of youngest DC is worse then useless + has not been in contact for 8 months. Therefore, needed babysitter, but could not get one, so cancelled.
So far, so good- disappointing, but expected.
My issue is- I asked DP if he could support oldest DC for the weekend, which would have been enough (she is very capable with youngest DC), spend some time each day and Fri/ Sat night at my house. He said no, as his kids (older teens) would not like it. His prerogative.
He now tells me, though, that his Ex-W is going away for 5 days, and he is going to stay at her house(!) to look after children- fair enough, but youngest is not his + in no way related to him, also.
He argues his Ex-W is allowed time away. Also fair enough.
But why am I not? Why is it ok to look after Ex-W child for 5 days, incl having to take holidays, but not for some hours on Sat and Sun after my youngest DC, when I really NEEDED to go on this course?
I'm not jealous, or unreasonable about him looking after his children (or ex-W child even, not my concern... ), more about him doing something for Ex-W that he refuses to do for me because his "kids" won't like him looking after MY DC, and DO want him to look after HER DC.
I know I'm going to be flamed, and that this is his decision, but I still feel hurt, and less important then everybody else here, including Ex-W. Please tell me to get a grip!

YOU are not being unreasonable imo. he is though, he seems to be playing the your chilld your problem card, not a good look for anyone never mind a dp,

I don't really think that you can compare the two scenarios because when he is helping his ex wife he is going to be caring for his own children and their young sibling.

Why wouldn't his children like it if he babysat your child though?

How long have you been with your DP?

i would be going mental!!!
if he can babysit her kid why not your kid?
does he live with you?

Millie- not sure altogether. They are very obstructive, generally, and really don't want to engage. May be because DC is only 4, and they find him annoying (being teens)? It seems when asked why they don't want to know, they said I'm nice enough, but they don't like DC around. ( which I got very annoyed about, but DP though was ok, as it would limit what they could do as teens. But then, mostly they don't do anything with him, anyway, just hang around the house)

I don't have any problem at all withhim looking after them, only upset because Ex-W is entiteled to swan off for 5 days to see partner without kids for "free/me time", and I'm not even able to go to teaching course on WE- not anything like just having time to myself, never get that, anyway.

He does not live with me, no

YANBU - watching a child is watching a child and since he will be doing it there for a child who is not his - I cannot see why he wouldnt do it for you (his dp). I have to tell you that it sounds like a lot of "his" and "hers" going on with the kids. Doesnt bode well long term does it?

Ah I see. He doesn't sound particularly reliable or supportive, and I don't think he should be letting his teens dictate what he can and can't do.

nuttychick- no, I agree. We have tried before to "intergrate" the children, but it did not go well.
He is very good usually with my 3, and often at my house.
BUT because his little darlings want him on his own and to themselves (to the point of saying "but you are not XXX's dad!!), and the last attemp at mixing did not go well (not desastrous), he now has a life split in the middle. We have talked about it many times, and I have told him he needs to be a bit more forceful, as it is definitely putting a strain on, and he says he wants this resolved.
His Ex-W has a new partner of a year, and they cope well enough with that- but then,they are not given an option, as partner stays at their house when down to visit, and soon to move in/ getting married.

Millie- he is very reliable, and usuall very supportive- until his children play up, and then it all "poor darlings"
Letting teens dictate his life is EXACTLY my point.
He very much fears to loose contact (not a chance in my opinion!), and will do anything to keep them sweet, and her- would do same for me, but it's increasingly clear that you can't please all people all the time.
In this case, me vs kids- he chose kids, as he will every time this conflict arises. IMO should not even BE a conflict TBH- mine would get told it's only one weekend, live with it (well, maybe not quite so drastic)

I don't understand why your almost 18 year old can't mind their own siblings.

And his children would of course come before your children. You don't sounds like a committed couple though.

my 17 yo does mind DC for me, but for whole weekend without respite? (not sure how legal this would be, either)

Of course his DC come before mine- but why does his Ex-W come before me?

He sounds horrible! Please don't let him move in with you. Hopefully this is a lesson to you now that he isn't reliable, he doesn't see your family as an extension of his and that he won't do anything to make sure your life is happy and fulfilled.

its not his exwife hes minding is it? And what would be illegal about an almost adult minding their siblings?