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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really miffed by my friend's behaviour?

34 replies

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 19:35

I had DD2 last year and asked a good friend if she'd like to be a Godmother. She seemed really chuffed and said she'd love to be. We have only just got round to thinking about getting the Christening organised as we are moving away in the summer so we want to get it done before we leave. I spoke to the church where we want it to be held, and they are very booked up and the earliest dates they could do are literally a couple of weeks before we move. One of the dates we can't do so I asked my friend if the other date was ok with her. She sent an email back saying it's sod's law but they're going away that weekend. She didn't say where and when I replied saying I didn't know what to do because of it being the only date available etc, but how nice they're going away (they never go anywhere), she sent one back saying she was going to make it easy for me and to go ahead with the date we can do. I was a bit surprised and know from conversations with her, that she has made up excuses to people in order to get out of doing something she doesn't want to do. I felt that it was an excuse, but wanted to see her face to face to see what she said. Saw her today and casually asked where they're going away in the summer and she said they're going to Chessington for the weekend. Am really pissed off. Could understand it if they'd booked a holiday abroad or something, but it's a theme park FFS. I would even be ok with it if she's said she was really sorry she couldn't be a Godmother but she'd rung to see if they could change it but they were told they'd lose their deposit. She didn't even mention missing the Christening. Feel like she just never wanted to be Godmother and if that was the case, why didn't she just say so so we could have asked someone else at the time, instead of it now looking like an after-thought.
Sorry for the long ramble, but AIBU?

OP posts:

pjmama · 06/04/2011 19:45

Ask someone else who DOES want to be a godparent. Whatever her reasons are, if she doesn't really want to do it then you don't want her anyway.

ScarlettWalking · 06/04/2011 19:48

I don't see DDs GP anymore - it was a royal fuck up really and I kick myself, but I really didn't know I was going to completely loose touch with them after the event. They don't even send her a Bday card!

If I could go back, wow I wish they had pulled out so I could pick someone else!

Roseflower · 06/04/2011 19:55

I think YABU to be honest.

You said yourself you left it late, so you frantically pull two dates out of the bag and the only possible date left she already has a small break that was pre-booked. It was already a busy weekend for her.

You say she doesn't get to go away much so it might not seem a big deal to you, but to her maybe she saved up for this trip for ages and it means a lot. You cant be angry at someone for already being busy- you are busy one of the weekends yourself.

ENormaSnob · 06/04/2011 20:00

Yabu, it's not her fault the only weekend you can do is the one she can't.

Why couldn't you change your plans to do the other available weekend?

presumably she booked her hols before you booked the christening?

Can they afford to lose the deposit?

How old is your dd?

ENormaSnob · 06/04/2011 20:01

Roseflower said what I meant!

Bluebell99 · 06/04/2011 20:08

I think you are being unreasonable. If she doesn't go away that often then she is probably looking forward to her theme park weekend. So what if it isn't a weekend abroad.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 20:27

It's not the fact that she's going away -I get that if it's true, then it's just unfortunate. It's more that she hasn't even found out if they could change it for a different weekend and not lose their deposit. I wouldn't expect them to be out of pocket. I know what she's like - eg she once got out of going to a wedding by saying her brother was getting married the same day, instead of just saying they were sorry but couldn't afford it.
(@ ENorma - she's just turned 1, and it's not us who have plans the other weekend, but a close family member who is also a godparent)
I feel that she should have just said so if she didn't want to be a godmother instead of coming up with an excuse, or else just seem a bit more sorry about it. She's acting like it's no big deal, but it is to me, and if someone asked me to be a godmother, I'd feel quite honoured.

OP posts:

Roseflower · 06/04/2011 20:35

It sounds like the real issue you are hurt because you think she is lying- based on past experiences?

Is it impossible for the other God parent to change their plans?

hecate · 06/04/2011 20:35

Maybe because you are moving away, she feels she is no longer the best choice for godparent? How close will she be after you move? How much will you be in one another's lives?

Jeeps · 06/04/2011 20:42

Why are you not annoyed with the other godparent for not changing their plans? It seems quite unreasonable only to be annoyed with the Chessington Godparent.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 20:44

Yes roseflower, that is what I mean. No, other godparent has birthday party for DS as for once actual birthday falls on a weekend and he's with his father the day before.
We are moving abroad for 2 years, but will be coming back and our older DDs are good friends, so hopefully they'll still want to be friends when we come back.
I feel that it has affected our friendship. She could have been honest - it just doesn't ring true IYSWIM.

OP posts:

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 20:47

@ Jeeps - I'm not annoyed with her because she's going away. I just don't think she ever wanted to be godparent in the first place and her attitude to not being able to make it is really casual, like it's no big deal. When I saw her today (1st time since the emails), she said about going to Chessington, but didn't say (as I would have in her place), 'I'm really sorry I can't be a godmother, i was so chuffed you asked me to be', or something similar

OP posts:

brass · 06/04/2011 20:48

YABU

You are expecting her to feel the same weight of importance you put on being a godparent.

She doesn't.

Doesn't make her a bad person.

HelpHer · 06/04/2011 20:49

IME would say don't get upset about godparents full stop. Relationships change and friends/family who are close and remain close are what will count in your little ones life in the future.

You can usually still have people as GP even if they can't attend by the way so double check with the church and then if you want to ask her again if you really really want her as GP. I know as the friends we choose were stuck overseas due to last minute changes at work and the church said it was fine. They are still overseas and are brillian GP really close, remember every special date even though they have only seen DD twice in her life.

thinkingkindly · 06/04/2011 20:51

One of my Gps couldn't make the christening. He originally said he could, everyone else agreed the date, and then he realised that he was double-booked. We went ahead on the date, he didn't come, but he is still my dd's GP.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 20:53

Thanks HelpHer. If she seemed upset about missing it, then I would have said she would still be godmother regardless, but she clearly couldn't care less so don't want her anyway now. Like brass said, she obviously doesn't view it with the same importance as I do.

OP posts:

spidookly · 06/04/2011 20:56

YABVU

You don't have to be at the ceremony to be a godparent. If you really wanted it to be her you wouldn't let your own logistical problems get in the way.

It's a shame she's got something planned that weekend, but that's what happens when you give someone a choice of 1 weekend.

You said yourself she rarely gets away, so it's a bit much to expect her to cancel a rare trip to go to a Christening you've taken so long to arrange.

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 21:00

You've missed the point spidookly. It isn't the fact that she's busy but her whole attitude about it (as I've already said earlier)

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 06/04/2011 21:03

Maybe she isnt the best choice of godparent if you dont feel able to ask her outright.

It is true that you dont have to be at the ceremony to be a godparent.
So ask her if she still wants to be a godparent, because she can, she just need to fill out a form to the vicar where she declares her intent (at least that is how it worked in the Catholic Church when my dh could not be present at a baptism)

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 21:06

Think I will just ask her if she still wants to be and see what she says. Didn't realise you don't have to be at ceremony

OP posts:

atthecarwash · 06/04/2011 21:07

I think all this GP business is highly overrated. Most people I know only value their dcs godprents by how well they remember their birthdays and how much money they spend on their Christmas presents

She obviously doesn't sound that bothered and that doesn't necessarily make her a bad friend.

Northeastgirl · 06/04/2011 21:10

Perhaps she's trying to accommodate you by not asking you to change the date you've selected, even though you didn't check her availability first. She may be hurt that you chose a date without checking if she was able to come. Playing devil's advocate here - you are hurt that she didn't explore the possibility of changing her holiday. Do you think she might be hurt that you didn't explore the possibility of changing the date of the christening?

Original poster

dippywhentired · 06/04/2011 21:20

I didn't choose the date - I was offered 2 dates before we move abroad, it had to be one of them. And I did ask her before I agreed to have it on that day. It is 3 months' away. Maybe she was trying to be accommodating, but also just not bothered.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 06/04/2011 21:26

You can be a godparent without being there. I think you can have a rproxy at the ceremony.

Dozer · 06/04/2011 21:28

Can see that it is annoying, but YABU.

People have different attitudes about being a godparent. Is she religious? If not, it may not be as big a deal to her as it is to you.

With respect to your suspicion that she may be lying / making excuses, perhaps she has just got into the habit of not being open or assertive. I have a friend like this, and it can be really annoying, but in my friend's case it's because she worries about saying no and has a history of hiding stuff/ making excuses 'cos of her upbringing.

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