to wonder what to do about MIL?

[ilovecrisps]

putting it here because where else.....?

My MIL has always been a difficult person her family admit as much, she so soured relationships with her new husbands family they had to move (40 yrs agoshe's still married to the same man!), she lived in the same house for nearly 30 years yet has no friends in that town.

She has always been a total bitch to me, I'm not going to beat around the bush. the latest two things she has done are to say precisely 2 words to me when we went to stay in their town at Christmas (not with them) that is in 2 weeks when we saw them nearly every day and to organise a 'family' weekend away for her birthday involving her 3 children and their children to which I have been told I can only stay for 1 night (reason given so as not to disturb my baby!)

She does however have a vice like grip on her children including my husband, I have told him her bahaviour is unacceptable and that I do not wish to expose my children to it. I have told him she is not welcome in my house. I recently had to go and see my Mother for a week my husband agreed to take 2 days off work and look after the kids with the aid of a nanny (not hard they are all at school) of course when I had gone he told the nanny she wasn't needed and got his Mother over without 'consulting' me. She is not particularly nice to our children and they have also told me some strange stuff about her looking in the attic/cupboards etc.

I thought my husband had tackled her about this but I realise as I type that he probably hasn't in which case he clearly never will.

So I suppose my question is what next? how to I deal with this if my husband wont support me? (He admits she is difficult nasty to me etc) how do I cut her out of my life yet allow what I think is acceptable contact with my dcs?

Hmm I don't think I can be much help but I don't want you to go unanswered, I think (as unfair as it is) you will have to accept your husband isn't going to support you but as he agrees she is nasty to you then I think it's not unreasonable to ban her from your house. Is there any way your husband can take your children once a week/fortnight so your children get to see her but you don't have to bother with her anymore? Sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Hope you can sort this issue out, it must be so draining.

Your Dh is the first problem to deal with, I'm afraid. That business of going behind your back to dismiss the nanny and get his DM in is a big no-no. Why agree to it and then go back on it? Is she so dreadful that anything is worth not falling out with her?

You are misdiagnosing your problem
Your problem is not your difficult mil.
Your problem is your dh who dors not support you inserting boundaries of contact and behaviour for her.

You can't change her. And as long as your dh undermines you, she will continue to behave as she choses.

I am not clear though what she does that is so bad re your children? Being bloody nisey notwithstanding.

thanks all I have just been told about the holiday thing (Easter) so it's a bit raw at the moment.

You are right the problem is my husband I think I've also just realised that he's not going to change round about the time I realised he had never had it out with her...

Somethings she does with my dcs

she also doesn't speak to them
she suddenly stoped sending them a birthday card (no present) when asked why hubbie was told it was because we hadn't sent her one that year
I bought a huge cake at last family gathering, we arrived back the day we left to see her feeding the last piece to our childrens cousins
she comes and sits next to my child with a cousin and lavishes attention and praise on the cousin refusing to speak to my dc
dc2 put some spread on his toast on Christmas morning, according to her he had had too much it was snatched off him with a tutting and a sour face and given to cousin
when they were born she would bring a gift for them making out it was hers that was actually from her daughter
if ever one of them does well wins a prize etc they are only told how clever/brilliant/gifted their cousins are at the same thing
at Christmas we went out to a fair type place where the kids could have a horse ride so we all queued up, we all arrived at the same time but MIl invented a queue the sole purpose of which was to put my kids last, the guys in charge of the horses pulled out kids based on the size for the horse obv. so pulled out my youngest (as the smallest) MIl was huffing and puffing to everyone that it wasn't fair that my dc was jumping the queue she was literally shouting at the guy in charge and got so agitated she nearly had a stroke.....

do you want more?

She is difficult isn't she?

Have you ever tried the politely enquiring " mil, do you realise that ds just told you that he got a prize at maths and all you have done is talk about cousin x. It is a bit weird. Is there a reason?"

My pils were bloody awful with the dcs but for a long time they either didn't notice or didn't care. I only interfered when they started to get upset.

Go and kick your dh. Perhaps talking about it from the dcs point if view may help?
Good luck anyway.

thanks

for the last few times we've met I can normally barely contain my seething rage to construct a sentance

husband seems pretty blind to it TBH

My Grandparents were very much like that. The classic example is when I got my degree results, my Grandmother just said "oh well your cousin got the same." His were end of year results not finals results and although I have no doubt he worked hard also, it was a crappy thing to say.

But the difference is that my Dad (their son) didn't put up with it. Every few years he'd have a massive blow up at them. They'd sulk for a few months and then get over it. They would soon start again, but at least I knew my Dad was on my side and that it wasn't a reflection on me.

So somehow you need to make your DH aware that what your MIL is doing is unacceptable. Then he needs to tackle it. Sadly that may not change things, but it will in your DC's eyes. The problem will be that your MIL will probably have been doing the same sorts of things while DH and his siblings were growing up, so it will be hard for him to see that what she is doing is not right. In his eyes it is normal.

And just as a postscript, yes, my Grandmother still pulls the same crap, only now it is with her great grandchildren. I have as little contact as possible and luckily my DC's are too young to notice anything - yet.

sadly I don't think hubbie will ever man up enough to tackle her
I agree because to him it is usual

sad to hear it wont change but TBH not surprised!

that was me BTW!!

I think you have to say something to her, when you see her doing something ask her why she does it?

Like why are you ignoring my children? I couldn't let it slide, I'd disown her if she was my MIL.

Okay, first you need to tackle your husband. If this was me, I 'd make my husband very aware of how serious I viewed his undermining of me. I think in a marriage a husband and wife have to put each other first, above everyone else and if they don't do this, then I don't see how a happy marriage can result.
I would tell my husband that if he ever did that again, we would be over. I know different people draw their lines in the sand over different issues, but this would be a biggie for me.

Next, I don't agree that he should take your children to visit her without you. I've said this on another thread recently, but you are the mother of those children and if she wants to see them then she needs to be courteous to you and not be indulged in behaving as if you don't exist.

Actually, she sounds pretty nasty to me. My gran favours my cousins (aunties DC) over me and my siblings. As a result we don't see her very often or love her very much at all. I would ask my Dc if they want to see her. If not, then I wouldn't insist and I would definitely tackle her next time she says something horrible. You owe it to your DC to let them see that you will defend them.

My mil is exactly the same but fortunately my dp is supportive in disagreeing with her (crap in other areas, especially at the mo but good with the mil) as he is aware that she is incredibly difficult and damaging. Just dont let them see her - your kids will grow up hating her anyway so really she is only spoiling things for herself. If she starts the passive aggressive crap call her on it - tell her you are only interested in your childs acheivements at that point in time, if she snatches things snatch them back and tell your kids in an equally ingratiating tone things like "dont worry, nanny is very old and sometimes old people can forget things. Like how to be kind". In front of her. She will soon feck off.

Take comfort in the fact that your kids will see their GM - your MiL for what she is. I no longer have any contact with outlaws - but encourage DH to see them and take the DCs. They know it's a duty thing - and they know why I don't see the outlaws. They also know that I have no problem with them seeing their other GPs.
I did withdraw all visits when they were tiny as she insisted on giving them food they were allergic to, would remove them from arms then they were babies without even acknowledging me as she took them.
Unfortunately some of them are like that - I refuse to lose anymore sleep over it.
The DC's cousin is the favoured one - but she's their daughter's child and nothing will change that. Don't forget it is very hard for a lot of men to decide whether to upset their mothers or their wives. We're not all so lucky that they make the right decision.
Just take comfort from the fact they're not your parents!!!

It always seems to be the same where difficult pil are concerned- their sons have spent years just putting up with their behaviour and keeping their heads down and can't seem to deal with them any other way even when their wifes/parents are being treated badly. There was another post on here today with a horrible mil and the op's dh couldn't seem to stand up to his mother either. My dh is the same - I swear he doesn't actually hear them anymore when they're talking, he has spent years developing a protective shell from their madness and having to face it would be too traumatic.

Of course your dh needs to deal with it she isn't going to listen to you but I'm afraid her behaviour with your dc's would be a deal breaker for me- I wouldn't let her have any contact with them until your dh sorts it. It's not fair on your dc's being made to feel inferior to their cousins or to see their mother being treated so badly. Doesn't sound as if she'd be much missed by you all.

I meant wives/partners. Doh

I forgot to write what I do to protect my DC's from my evil Grandmother. It does help that she is old and not in great health. (Yes, I'm an evil bitch for saying that but ...) Anyway, we don't visit very often at all. When we do visit her we only stay for 45 mins or so. I discuss the weather, I discuss the positive positive points of my children and me. That's pretty much it. I will not discuss the other grandchildren or great grandchildren. I will not discuss politics. You get the idea.

If my DC's have to spend more time with her, I stay with them all the time and never leave them alone with her. They are small so don't pick up on the rude comments yet.

My final thing is that every month I do a card with pictures on it and a bit of blurb about what the DC's have been doing. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is a way I can keep in touch with her, keep the family harmony, but not actually have to deal with her. I do also send the card to lots of other people in the family now 'cos they all love getting the photos and updates, but the original reason was so that all communication with my grandmother was on my terms.

In your position, I would absolutely not let them see your MIL without you. If your DH is unable for whatever reason to stand up for them, they need to know you are behind them. Even if it is only by a look or touch, they need to have someone in their corner when she is around.

thanks guys
you're kind of echoing my thoughts about dcs needing to know we are on their side

trouble is it has become obvious to me that my husband (note the absence of dh here) is on their side not mine

I think there will be a show down at Easter over these going away plans I will have to prime the kids.......

OP, I am in a similar situation to you. Issues with in-laws and DP while privately will accept they have been out of order to me he wouldn't stand up to them for me.

This still drives me wild even now but I think I have become more accepting than previously.

I think in your case he was so wrong to go behind your back like that and you should make it clear that it's completely unacceptable. However I do think you may never be able to get your DH to stand up for you, and you might have to just accept that.

As my DP said to me recently, the way his mum behaves, he has never known any different, he perceives her interfering as being helpful etc etc. It's elementary but once I heard that I could see where he was coming from.

If you really can't bear it suggest you do what an earlier poster suggested, cut off all contact whilest permitting/encouraging contact with DC but not at your house. Your DC will soon see what she's really like.

Good Luck.