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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP's brother near my baby?

27 replies

BridezillaOrNot · 06/04/2011 14:14

DP's brother is a smack addict. He is 47, has been on the stuff since 16.
He is always on and off, and in and out of prison. He owes so many drug dealers money that when we are at the future IL's and he is there, none of us are safe.

You can tell when he is back on it, even when he pretends he isn't. I am sick of him. I hate him so much. He is such a foul human being, he steals from anyone and everyone, and he has a little boy who he has not been in touch with for 10 years (he doen't know where he is).

I had to be nice to him for the sake of DP's mum, as obviously he is her son and she can't cut him off, she will always love him. She was very ill, and he went missing. He didn't tell anyone where he was going, just disappeared from his flat for weeks, and it made his mum even more ill due to the stress. In February, sadly DP's lovely mum died from bowel cancer. When we were all in the hospital with her during her final days, he kept disappearing off saying he needed to go and get something to eat etc... he would be gone for hours at a time, and then when he reappeared there would be all the tell tale signs.

I am currently pregnant, and don't want this man near my baby when it's born. I can't bear the thought of him being around me, nor in my child's life. Ever. He destroys everything and I just want to cut him out. Nor do I want him at my wedding. I don't want him in my pictures nor in my memories. Maybe I am being a bit bridezilla....

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 06/04/2011 14:16

YANBU in my opinion. I wouldn't want anything to do with him either, UNLESS he sorted himself out.

Chil1234 · 06/04/2011 14:18

YANBU. Sounds nightmarish. But blood is thicker than water, as they say, so you have to discuss it with your DP and tell him how you feel. If he wants to stay in contact with his brother you'll need to compromise somehow.

hecate · 06/04/2011 14:19

What is your partner's view on this?

Original poster
BridezillaOrNot · 06/04/2011 14:21

DP always says things like 'I wish he would just disappear forever' etc. But it would be a strain on him if I rocked the boat in this way. I know (future) SIL's husband feels the same way as me.

OP posts:
MavisEnderby · 06/04/2011 14:22

yanbu.I have an arsehole of a BIL too.He is similar age to your "Black sheep" and a chronic alcoholic.Over the years I have really tried to be civil.The final straw came last year.About 2 weeks after dp died and dpils were in the midst of grieving dbil came round to their house in a drunken strop and put their front window through with a brick because they wouldn't let him in (they are both frail and elderly).He is a prize twat and a waste of space.Dp had no time for him when he was alive and other 2 bils detest him.

I know someone will come along and say hes ill and addiction is a disease but if you are regularly plagued by someone in this position it is very hard to find any compassion.

jeckadeck · 06/04/2011 14:23

YANBU. At least while he's using or there's a question mark over whether he's using (which there always is in my experience with heroin users.) I wouldn't want my child anywhere near a smackhead. But be careful with your partner because he is presumably honour bound to keep contact with him and you could drive a wedge there if it isn't handled sensitively. I think you can in all fairness say "I know you can't cut X out of your life but I don't want him around my child, feel free to see him but please don't expect me and baby to get involved." Can't see how anyone could rationally object to that.

Rhinestone · 06/04/2011 14:23

Well I'm going to have to disagree (respectfully Grin ) with Chil - I don't think blood is thicker than water and I completely agree that this man should come nowhere near your son.

But hecate's point is very valid as this is either going to be easy or very difficult depending on what you DP thinks.

BsshBossh · 06/04/2011 14:24

YANBU!

Rhinestone · 06/04/2011 14:24

x-post - I think what DP says is inconclusive. You need to sit down with him and agree your position.

Callisto · 06/04/2011 14:32

I so feel for you. Addicts think only of themselves and I don't blame you at all for wanting this guy out of your life (and your wedding pics). I couldn't really give a shit whether or not drug addiction is a disease. It is self inflicted and it causes endless suffering.

RunAwayWife · 06/04/2011 14:32

YANBU in the least, if you can cut him out of your life compleatly

PeterAndreForPM · 06/04/2011 14:37

if you kept in touch with him to keep your MIL happy (and she has now died) why don't you just tell him he is no longer welcome in your life ?

you don't him any more consideration

let him fuck his own life up, but you don't have to be witness to it

moondog · 06/04/2011 14:38

God no.
He wouldn't be anywhere near me nad my family if i was in a similar situation.

genral · 06/04/2011 15:16

YANBU at all, we have exactly the same thing with my bil, fortunalty MIL is still around though. Your Bil is a very selfish person, who can only think of himself, the next time he can get his hands on some heroine, and how he will 'get' the money to pay for it. I think you are well within your rights to say he is not allowed near your baby, and if he complains tell him the truth, tell him how you feel. Hopefully one day he will get some rehab and that will help, but if he is anything like mine he's properly had a few bouts in rehab already which didn't work because they are always trying to justify their behaviour rather than admit they are selfish.

genral · 06/04/2011 15:17

oh and with regards to your wedding, It's your wedding. I wouldn't want him there either

Original poster
BridezillaOrNot · 06/04/2011 15:22

genral, yes he has done rehab before. There is no way this man will ever drop the drugs. What a shitty life. But I am over the days when I sympathised him.
Going to have to broach the topic with DP!

OP posts:
louloudia · 06/04/2011 15:24

to be honest i cant imagine he would be remotely interesting in a baby anyway

addicts are just interested in themselves normally

louloudia · 06/04/2011 15:24

interested in a baby

Original poster
BridezillaOrNot · 06/04/2011 15:27

He gets on great with SIL's kids. They adore him, but then he disappears and winds up in prison, and they're broken hearted. Can imagine my future children would adore him, because actually he is great with kids... well apart from when he stole his niece's birthday present, an Xbox and sold it for £20.

OP posts:
ValiumSoltera · 06/04/2011 15:27

I agree with louloudia, he probably won't be that interested in babysitting, so I doubt you'll have to figure out how to politely decline those kind offers!

After the wedding, will you see that much of him?

ilovesprouts · 06/04/2011 15:30

you are def nbu

prettyfly1 · 06/04/2011 15:34

hell no yanbu. Tell your partner that when it comes to him as an adult you support his choices and needs wholeheartedly but when it comes to you and the baby you are duty bound to ensure your childs safety and happiness and he is without exception banned from being anywhere near him/her. Alchoholism and addictions ARE a disease but they are entirely self inflicted ones (says the daughter of two alchoholics) and this man is choosing to alienate himself so you have no need to feel guilty or bad - you owe him nothing. If he has any human instincts left he will understand why you feel the way you do and either wise up or bugger off.

AliSheedy · 06/04/2011 15:38

YADNBU.

Terraviva · 06/04/2011 17:13

YANBU to not want him to be around you or your baby.

I understand why you don't want him at the wedding, but although genral say's 'it's your wedding', it's not is it? It's yours and DPs, and he is DP's brother.

D0G · 06/04/2011 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.