to be at my wits' end with MIL

[cornflowers]

MIL is brilliant with children, and is very attached to my 3 dc, as well as her 5 other dgc, although the other dgc are now older than our 3 and so not as keen to spend time with their dgps as prev. She often has our older 2 dc to stay overnight on weekends, and has a very close relationship with them. She does everything possible to make them happy and nothing is too much trouble. Most of the time, the dcs visits to her are made at her instigation, but (very) occasionally I will also ask her to babysit (usually just dd2) during the day for an hour or two whilst I attend appointments etc. I am very pleased that the dc have such a loving dgm and have always let them visit/stay with the dgp's whenever they have wanted to go.
That said, MIL has (imho) never liked me, for whatever reason, and treats me in a very rude, snide and dismissive manner. She has a rather loud and overbearing manner, and enjoys nothing more than making 'jokes' at my expense (these are usually just rude/insulting comments, delivered in a 'joking' tone as a thin disguise for the malice, IYSWIM).
How do I deal with this? I have tried, in the past, to take issue with her comments, eg "Sorry, that was rather rude, why did you say that?" which just results in a nasty atmosphere & MIL badmouthing me to the extended family. Other times, when taken to task about her behaviour, she has burst into tears and left the house in a sulk. These sorts of consequences mean that I generally just ignore her comments, but end up seething privately/complaining to friends/dh about it. DH agrees that MIL is a difficult personality, and often unpleasant, but thinks I should just ignore/not let her get to me. Is he right?

You could cry??? And see if that makes her realise?

I don't know - I think it's pretty extreme in your case, but it does seem to be part and parcel with MILs to some extent. Mine is forever making snide comments, and I really don't think she realises she does it. I'm convinced it's partly jealousy/insecurity over the fact that her beloved son has chosen to spend his life with you and leave her.

Sorry that doesn't help you very much does it?

I wouldn't see the stupid bitch, she wouldn't be in my home and my children wouldn't see her alone either.

MIL definitely doesn't seem to think she is doing anything wrong and has very little self awareness. She also manages to ensure that any problem is all about her. For example, a family member was very ill recently, hospitalised etc. MIL would come over & talk about the situation, saying things like, 'Oh, it's been terrible for me, I've been so upset, I can hardly sleep, I'm so drained from all the hospital visits' and so on, whilst the person who was actually ill would scarcely be mentioned.

cornflowers

Your MIL is displaying classic narcissism traits. This was exactly how my DM behaved last year when my DF was unwell. She went on about the toll it was taking on her having to look after him. And her behaviour regarding an accident I had last year was incredible. She again made it into a big drama about her.

When you have a moment google narcissistic personality disorders and narcissistic MILs.

Trust me, it helps to know how they work and why. And also that they are incapable of understanding that they ever do anything wrong.

i'm lucky - my Mother in law lives in France. That said, she's a sweet heart so it's always nice to see her.

Grovel - I also have a fantastic MIL (I am the envy of all my friends, most of whom have disasters for MILS ) and have suggested to her that she should run courses - some of my friends have said they would pay for their MILs to attend so maybe there is still some money to be made there!

Cornflowers - sorry for hijack. There are some good suggestions here though on how to manage your Mil, will be interested to hear if you try them which are the most successful. Hoep just venting on here helps too.

I wouldn't let her spend time with my children unless she was polite to me. You, DH and your DC are a unit and if she cares about her son and grandchildren then she ought to know and care that she hurts them if she hurts you. There is no law to say you must like each other, but she does need to be courteous because you are a member of her family.

I would expect my DH to stand up for me, even if it resulted in lots of drama. Hope when her GP phoned your DH, he told him/her what was at the root of all of it.

"I wouldn't let her spend time with my children unless she was polite to me."

I absolutely agree.

She treats you like shit to your face-why do you want your children to spend time with her at all, but especially without you & your husband?

Sorry OP but you sound like an utter doormat. Can't believe you take this shit off an old bat who presumes to have all this exclusive contact with YOUR kids. And even suggesting to your kids to go on hols wothout consulting you first is appalling! My MIL started making rude comments to me about my weight and appearance when I was pregnant that upset me and refused to apologise so I now don't see the harridan. My OH takes DS to hers once a week for an hour and that's that.

Am I just a bolshie so and so???? Respect the mum otherwise no enjoying her kiddywinks that' my mantra.

I think a whispered 'You know that I'm in charge right? That I could cut you off in a minute from your son and your gc? Stop pissing me off or else' in her ear followed by fervent deny/implications she's losing her mind should suffice n'est pas?

I hate it when people make nasty comments disguised as jokes so that if you react it looks like you can't take a joke and your only alternative is to let them get away with it. People like this feel the need to give themselves an advantage so they can insult you with impunity. Why anyone would do this I really don't know, especially to a relative.

The only comfort you can take is that they must feel quite inadequate to do this and that you are a good person, have a lovely family and don't need to resort to such mean spirited actions.

That's it exactly, mrsinkpen, and MIL is often at her worst when she has a 'sympathetic' audience, especially my two sil's, whom I rarely see & who have subsequently never heard my side of the story... I honestly dread to think what MIL tells them about me, especially given the nasty, malicious stories she attempts to spread about other people even to dh &me ...

I tend to agree with the poster who described me as a doormat & I know I've never handled this situation with any finesse. I suppose the fact that the dcs love her so much has always been my stumbling block. I mean, I even feel a little guilty for starting this thread, knowing how upset my dcs would be if they had an inkling just how much I dislike their dgm.
I am seeing MIL tomorrow, so will see what happens then. One thing I have decided, however, is that the dcs won't be going abroad alone with their dgp's. We take them away regularly ourselves, so there's no need for it; they can see their dgps in the UK. I suspect that one motivation for inviting them is because PIL have serious issues in their relationship, and probably get along better when there are dcs around to create a distraction.