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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask MIL not to invite SIL to my house?

20 replies

BorderBinLiner · 06/04/2011 12:21

MIL is kindly looking after the DCs whilst DH & I are away for work for 5 days. She & FIL will be staying at our house so that the DCs can go to school.
I'm nervous at leaving them and am trying to think of everything possible to make life easy.

We see SIL (DH's brothers partner) at family events but she is not easy to get along with so DH & I stick to neutral ground, health and weather conversations. MIL makes a big effort with SIL in order to see the GCs.

The last time we left the DCs with MIL, her and SIL cooked up a big ambitious scheme that involved lots of travel, traffic jams, sunburn and tired kids. My DCs have been labeled ever since as quick to tantrum.

AIBU to ban any such meetings or visits whilst DH & I are away?

OP posts:
SarkyLady · 06/04/2011 12:23

Yabu.

FoxyRevenger · 06/04/2011 12:27

Hmm yes, I think you probably are being a bit over the top.

Your inlaws are doing you a massive favour so I would avoid souring things if at all possible.

Really, what is the worst that can happen to your children? They have to travel and get tired?

Sounds like your own feelings about your sister in law are clouding your judgement. Your children might even have a good time on a day trip!

melonian · 06/04/2011 12:30

I think it would be very difficult to word that request without coming across as rude, ungrateful and controlling. Your inlaws are doing you a massive favour and presumably the trip last time was made with good intentions. I would be honest, say you are feeling nervous about leaving your kids and you would be grateful if they kept things low-key so that the children don't get overtired, but really, if you don't trust them to look after them, you shouldn't be leaving them. You can't impose bans and dictations on people who are helping you out, imo.

HattiFattner · 06/04/2011 12:31

and all that overtired kids trauma- hey, they'll only do it once, as they will have to sort it out.

Just make damn sure you INSIST on suncream.

Niecie · 06/04/2011 12:31

Hopefully your MIL will have learnt from past experience and won't try a big ambitious scheme again. If she does then on her own head be it.

I am not sure why your SIL has anything in particular to do with it. Your MIL is in charge surely? And presumably if your DC are in school then they won't have time for a big trip anyway.

BaronessBomburst · 06/04/2011 12:33

Tired, tantruming children will be your SIL's problem. I wouldn't worry. She tries it again - she'll get what she deserves. I would leave them some sunscreen though.

dreamingbohemian · 06/04/2011 12:38

As an exercise -- tell us exactly how you would word that request.

I think you'll find it can't really be done!

Don't worry, your kids will be fine Smile

gkys · 06/04/2011 12:38

oohhh borderbinliner you are not so mucu bu as on dangerous ground here, i totaly understand why you want to do this, but its going to cause no end of conflict, ask what her plans are for the five days, be really insistant re the suncream skin care issue, (imho sunburn is totaly avoidable, esp in children) point out that long journeys on school days aren't great, " you know from experience dmil, how children get when their routine is up routed, they will be upset enoughwithout dh and i blah blah.....stick to their routine make life nice and easy for you and dfil......" with a bit of luck it will get her thinking, alternativly buy tickets in advance for them all, without dsil,?? tact isn't my strong point but this may work? wising you good luckxx

gkys · 06/04/2011 12:39

much i meant much

Original poster
BorderBinLiner · 06/04/2011 12:43

The trip includes a Sunday & Bank Hol Monday and since SIL is 70 minute journey away with small DCs would probably involve an overnight stay.

I am grateful to PIL, it's important for work for me and my parents are unavailable.

I only semi trust the PIL, they have past form for taking a simple idea and bolting on so many bits and pieces that it becomes fiendishly complicated.

Basically I don't want my toxic SIL in my house when I'm not here but you're all right I can't say that out loud in real life.

OP posts:
compo · 06/04/2011 12:44

Yabu
you have to suck it up
or arrange not to go away at the same time as dh or just get your family to babysit
you can't be precious and dictorial when people are doing youna favour

Jacaqueen · 06/04/2011 12:49

If you only semi trust your PIL why are you leaving them in sole charge of your children and house for 5 hours never mind 5 days?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 06/04/2011 12:50

Could your parents do one night? If they could, you could say to your MIL that you don't want the children not go on any long trips - as they do get over tired easily- so if she wants to go off with your SIL she can phone your parents and they'll take your DCs for the night.

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 06/04/2011 12:51

Blush random double negative.

cazzybabs · 06/04/2011 12:53

a 70 min trip would not be an over night stay in my book - why not ask that the kids sleep in their beds?

Skinit · 06/04/2011 12:54

YABVU. sunburn isn't great....but taking your dc for a day out? What's wrong with that?

Let them "Label" your kids...they're obviously kind to them or you would not leave them in charge.

dreamingbohemian · 06/04/2011 13:03

Jacaqueen, it sounds like she doesn't really have any other options...

worraliberty · 06/04/2011 13:07

How can you leave your kids with people you don't fully trust? Confused

I think you need to step back and allow them to make their plans. It would be very controlling to tell them what they can and can't do to that extent.

Leave the suncream on the table and make sure they use it.

Original poster
BorderBinLiner · 06/04/2011 15:47

Jacaqueen - I'm asking myself that all the time. Grin

Part of the problem is we have the first grandchildren on that side so it's a learning curve for them. FIL never held either child as babies and MIL was telling the three year old last week over the phone how boring babies are it's better when you are grown up. She's not big on babies and small children.

They'll be great Grandparents when the DCs are 9 & 7 but sadly they're only 5 & 3 at the moment. We left them overnight once last year, it was interesting the then 4 year old swearing at the traffic and telling the younger one just to poo in their nappy like grandma said.

So the thinking will be lets take the kids to the beach, great, we're 5 mins away. Lets invite SIL and other grandchildren but go to a beach nearer them, get caught up in bank hol traffic, not put sunscreen on because they never used it during the 70s (my DCs are really blond), tut when the three year old needs the loo and remind themselves how their children only had one bad tantrum in their whole lives.

I'm their mother of course I'm nervous, they're the in -laws naturally they do stuff different to me and DH is very keen to use them.

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Original poster
BorderBinLiner · 06/04/2011 15:51

I think what I say on Mumsnet should stay on Mumsnet, can't imagine how I'd sit MIL down and say "Right, AIBU...."

OP posts:
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