to be feeling torn over this

[TheBlindAssassin]

I found out in the New Year that my H had been cheating on me. I don't want to lay that many issues out here, but now have a genuine dilemma.

I don't know if we will stay together. I would like to work things out, but I am of the opinion that the marriage is probably at an end. Financially, we can't afford to split up until I potentially start a new job later this year, and even then, although doable, things will be a bit of a stretch given the shape of our finances.

My dear friend from childhood (we have been friends since we were 4 years old, so over two decades now) is getting married this summer and has asked me to be her chief bridesmaid. She was a bridesmaid at my own wedding, and I had always told her that I would be ecstatic if I ever got to do the same for her. She's also pregnant and has been finding things rather tough, so obviously wants her close friends around her.

The only problem is that she lives in a different country. I have checked ticket prices and the entire cost of a week's trip for me would be somewhere in the region of just over £1000, the flight alone being more than two thirds of that. Accommodation-wise, she has intimated that I could stay with her, but it may not be possible, so I may need to arrange alternative accommodation at extra cost. The country is my home country but I have not visited since my mid-teens and feel like I would have to negotiate its quirks and dangers as a foreigner (I have no living immediate family members there). It is not the safest country in the world - bribes are a daily way of life, traffic is horrendous, armed robbery on the streets is a reality etc.

I just don't see how I can justify spending so much money at what is a rather vulnerable time for me. If I end up staying with H, then it's a cost we could bear together easily - it would amount to the equivalent of a couple of week's salary in my new job. However, it could delay my being able to move out if I need to and would remove what could be a not-insignificant financial buffer.

It would also mean being away from my toddler DS for a week. Owing to circumstances, if H and I split up, DS would remain with H as my job does not allow for much flexibility. A week is not that long in the grand scheme of things, but as I hardly ever see him due to the pressures of my current job and the period over which the wedding falls is an actual holiday period for me which I could spend with him, it feels wrong to leave him.

My friend doesn't know about my marriage issues and I don't want to lay out the messy and gory details at what is proving to be a tough but happy time for her (I'm also unsure as to whether H and I will split up, so am figuring that the fewer people that know, the better, as I would not want to be externally influenced either way).

So, less an AIBU, but a WWYD? Go on the trip? Stay and tell her why I can't go? Stay but give her a different/false/less depressing reason as to why I can't go?

She's your friend - tell her the truth about what's happening with you.

a good pal will miss you,but understand.get a dvd of day.send her some lovely flowers and meet up when circumstance more favourable

sorry for all your troubles,thats a lot of stuff to deal with

I'd tell her. Explain you didn't want to lay it on her but had no choice.
Could DS go with you? Although I imagine with bridesmaid duties and being in another country this could be problematic
Any way you think she could lend you part of the air fare if you can pay her back in instalments? Might be a way to reduce costs, albeit a little cheeky. She might be happy to help though, if it means you get to make it to her big day.
Good luck!

no dont tap mate for air fare etc.too icky.when things settle then meet up
and no i would not reveal all to a mate pre-wedding,id let her have that.mainly as i wouldnt want fuss or distract her

Tell her the truth and that's why you have to decline.

If it were me, I'd go.

given op not sure can afford it isnt that definitive,and fluctuating personal circumstances

a good pal will def understand,but do call and let her know personally.not by letter or email

Thanks everyone. Last night, H offered to pay for the trip from his own salary, but again, it's still money we could use for our DS (it's a month's worth of childcare) or for more useful and practical things like a rent deposit if I end up moving out. Plus, given that our finances are still tied up together, it's still somehow someway coming out of my pocket. I haven't seen my friend for years, and just keep feeling more and more resentful that I've been put into this situation through nothing I did.

I have tried to reach her on the phone, but haven't been able to. She asked that I let her know by the end of this week, so will try and get through to her again today and talk to her about it. scottishmummy is right that I wouldn't want to fuss or distract her with my issues in the run up to her wedding, but I worry that she may not understand if I don't give a plausible reason as to why I can't make it. I definitely wouldn't want to ask her to pay for part of my fare - she and her husband will just be starting out in new their life together, and the equivalent of even £100 is a lot in the country that they live in.

Oh, and just to complicate things further, the only other person I could stay with for free in the country is an aunt. The same aunt is currently in the UK and is having to stay until the second week of May (a family wedding). Just spoken to her this morning and she was heavily hinting about how much a hotel would cost for that long for her and her teenage DS (translation - "offer me a place to stay").

We have the space to put her up and my culture dictates that we should do it without complaint. I have no doubt that she would do the same for me, no questions asked. It's just that the thought of having two other people here for over a month (let alone this aunt who I get on with but find infuriating in equal amounts!) doesn't bear thinking, especially when my term holiday starts next week for almost the whole of April - time I was planning to use to recuperate, regroup (aka plan ahead) and work through my marriage from what has been a stressful few months! Then again, I can't then see how I could, if I decide to go for my friend's wedding, ask this aunt for a place to stay to save myself money if I don't host her in my own home now.

And to top it all off, the pregnant soon-to-be-wed friend just texted me this morning to say she didn't notice my call as she was feeling rather down yesterday (so no idea how to give her my reasons for not being able to make it without depressing her further) and my MIL arrives in the country today and is staying at ours until Sunday. I'm having to get pretty good at practising my fake "I'm alright, Jack" smile both in person and over the phone. Aaaargh!!

Am now resisting the urge to tell everyone to bugger off and hole myself up in my home for the next month! When did life get so bloody complicated?!

I wouldn't go - given the expense involved, the uncertain future of your relationship with H, and the fact that you would be giving up precious holiday time with your DS, it seems that the personal consequences to you of going to your friend's wedding are just too great.

If she's a real friend she'll understand why - and I would tell her the real reasons why, not a diluted version of the truth.

And I don't blame you for wanting to hole yourself up at home - the pressure seems to be piling up on you, quite unfairly.

Please tell her the truth, anything less is likely to make her think you're just not trying hard enough to get over and therefore don't care that much.

Also, being 'protected' and finding out later what someone you care about was going through, doesn't make the other person feel loved: it makes them feel like you didn't trust them enough or felt they couldn't cope.

Let her be a friend to you and give you some emotional support, and do the same for her.

Putting everyone else first all the time will not win you any awards, you know. There is no reason whatsoever why your difficult times should be less important than anyone elses.

You sound like a lovely person but you need support right now. It is totally ok to put yourself first ust now.

If you feel you must put your aunt up (and frankly I would ignore broad hints) then offer for only a small part of the time, giving a cast-iron 'reason' for not making it longer (and here is where I would probably fib, tbh)

As for your friend's wedding- tell her the truth. If she is a true friend, she will understand. If she isn't, then you will have saved yourself a lot of money AND unnecessary guilt.

I wouldn't go, the expense your personal circumstances, a good friend would understand.

I wouldn't give the Aunt a place to stay if that is what your post means, you and your partner need as much time as possible to be able to sort through your marriage problems and decide where it is all going to go, complicating things by having family stay is not a good idea and will put great strain on both of you, strain you do not need at the moment.

Is there anything you can do with regard to a different job, so that your son could live with you?

It seems very harsh that because of your husband's affair, you won't be able to live with your son.

Agree with atswim - I know it's not the issue Here but i fear this may really affect you and your son. Hope you find some answers

Tell your friend the truth and stay here and concentrate on things here x

Be honest. I dont see your need for all the secrecy.