to be angry with my Mum?

[nincompoop]

Ok, so I actually know I'm being unreasonable, she gave birth to me and brought me up well. Kept me fed and warm and loved... but I've been horrendously angry with her since the birth of DC2... I had PND and she left the country. Well, she moved abroad when DC1 was 1 and a half, came back, coincidentally, when DC2 was born and buggered off again 2 weeks later. Having her in the house while I was in labour may have been the trigger for my anger, which I suspect was lurking below the surface anyway. She has always been very stubborn, pleases herself, and I like to be in control of everything when I am in labour, got very upset when she didn't go into Mummy mode and put me first and look after me. I actually don't think that particular bit is unreasonable, it's not much to ask to have things revolve around you when you are actually in labour, it's not like my labours were very long and I think giving birth trumps needing a cup of tea, personally.

Anyway, I need advice, she's just been home for a months holiday. Relationship has been frosty for about a year (DC2 is 15 months now), but since communication is difficult to where she lives I've not had to face her. I've had councilling for the PND and done a lot of soul searching, was not really ready to confront her, still too angry to be at the stage where I wanted things to get better between us, but I thought I'd better try for the sake of the DC. so when she arrived I plucked up my courage and had a chat about whatI thought she could do to help us hopefully still be talking to eachother by the time she left. I had 4 things:

1. No death and gloom stories, particularly no tales of rape, child abuse or abusive husbands (things she has told me have haunted me and kept me up nights in the past, especially during the PND, I think she tends to tell them to unburden herself, but since she has been doing so to me since I was a child I take them all on myself)
2. Please try not to make judgemental comments, positive or negative, I feel judged and defensive or just patronised (I did realise I was asking a lot here, she is a mother after all!)
3. Let's make plans for your stay and stick to them, or discuss it before we change them, as it seems different expectations of what eachother are doing are the root of a lot of arguments
4. Please don't talk about me to other people when I'm standing right next to you.

Anyway, I thought that discussion went quite well, she looked a bit shocked but listened to me, asked for some examples of when she'd done 2 and 4 before (I had many, on the tip of my tongue) and then didn't say much. I asked her she had anything I could do that would make it easier for her, but she didn't... I guess it's the kind of thing you have to have been dwelling on for over a year, you can't just come up with things at the drop of a hat.

I think we didn't do number 3 and that may be a big part of what went wrong... The DCs love her to bits and she'd said she'd leave after lunch on sunday and told DC1 who is 3 that she'd spend all morning playing with him. I went out to do some chores on sunday morning, came back with lunch things and a big box of mothers day chocolates for her and she'd left. Gone, that's her leaving the country again on Weds and didn't even say goodbye! I couldn't believe it! I called her at my Granny's that evening and she said she hadn't felt very welcome or that there was a place for her and she had lots to do, so she left. Now, I had said I'd do my chores saturday morning, but one thing or another had meant I hadn't managed to get away, and Ididn't check with her it was ok for me to go out sunday morning instead, that's the only thing I can think led to her upping and leaving so abruptly...

I'm a bit stunned by the whole thing and would like advice, if anyone is still reading to the end of this epic post! I'd thought we were getting on much better than we have for a while, things still weren't great, but I was actually optimistic about getting back some kind of good relationship with her eventually. Now I don't know what to do - I feel like I'm dealing with a stroppy teenager. Do I wait for her to tell me what is wrong or do I try to talk to her before she leaves the country? Communication afterwards will be very patchy. But maybe it's for the best, maybe we need space from eachother?

If you are wondering if you should try and talk to her, then you probably should. At least then you will either have closure on this visit or know that you tried your very best.

Reading between the lines it sounds as if your Mum was upset on Sunday (mothers day) at you going off to do chores you said u would do on Saturday, leaving her feeling unwanted/unwelcome.

Im not saying you were wrong to do that, we all have busy lives but you should talk or try to talk to her. My relationship with my Mum is also strained so im not judging, they are not perfect either but I will be gutted when the day comes when she is no longer here.

yabu i understand that you have been ill and this may cause you to feel hurt, angry etc. This is your mother, it's the only one you will ever have. I do not really get the point - she brought you up well, you were and knew you were loved. Your children adore her. Some people have never had this - you only need to look at some of the relationships threads - those people would probably walk over burning coals to get what you were given. What are you angry at?

She was there when you were in labour, you admit yourself that you like to be in control. You wanted her in mummy mode - you are a grown woman. She listened to you and accepted what you had to say. I agree with you on points 1, 2 and 4. My goodness point three was your idea then you shift the goal posts on Sunday go out without telling her etc. The poor woman probably didn't have a clue what was going on.

The chocs thing is a bit feeble. You could have had that organised for her waking up in the morning - then she might have felt more welcome.

I may be reading this post wrong but it sounds like you are the stroppy teenager. However all is not lost. You can visit her at your grans, apologise make up, forgive each other etc.

It really is much easier to live like this than to constantly harbour resentment, looking for answers no one has. Life is for living enjoy these great times with your kids.

I too think she was upset that you just upped and fucked off on Sunday morning when you knew that was the day she was leaving! It was Mothers day yet you could not be bothered to spend the morning with her before she left.

That really was rude of you to be honest and I can understand her hurt and upset.

It's give and take in any relationship, not just take. You stun her with your coming clean about how you feel and laying down ground rules, you say you have to stick to plans and you yourself changed them to suit you.

Bit unfair.

Unless there is a lot of stuff missing from this, you seem to be the one who is angry, but your mum has done very little to deserve your wrath.

All of the post seems to be about what you need from her and what she has to do to make you happier.

It is all about your rules and seems very one sided.

i agree with the person who said you should have had the choccies ready for her waking up. it was mothers day, she was leaving, and you went off to do the shopping. I'd be pissed off too.
As for her wanting a cup of tea whilst you were in labour, my ex left me in labour with our first DC to go and eat a sarnie and drink coke in the car

you sound hard work OP

Ok, well, I guess I asked for all that - there is more to it, obviously, but I didn't want to make the thread longer than it was by going on about all the things I feel she has done to me that make me angry, there's 36 years of it after all and I didn't want to sound like a whinger (which I obviously did anyway!).

she goes back to foreign parts tomorrow, so I guess I'll go and call her now... thanks for replying everyone, not very comfortable reading, but maybe deserved....