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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my brother to visit if he does not even remember my son's name?

27 replies

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 21:32

ok so there is more to this. Some might remember other threads, some might not. Please don't tell me off for doing this by stealth, if bits come out. I just really cannot go into it as it is soooooo long and boring.

He has not met my DS/his nephew who is aged 16 months. And despite me telling him about the birth, and email exchange with him making sarcy comments on the 'jewishness' of his name (is your DH a jew then? etc), he insists on getting his name wrong, and I keep correcting him. I am not sure if this is lack of memory due to alcohol abuse or because he is actually pissed when typing or just cannot be fucking bothered to remember. He keeps calling him 'Rowan', the only similarity is it begins with 'R'.

So, he is coming to visit, I have reservations already. And this, well, should I even be bloody bothered to have him come to my home and entertain him and share my easter holiday with him when he cannot even get his nephew's name right, or should I just cancel it now? I am having moments like this a lot ! One part wants to see him, the other thinks there is little point.

Or am I being precious about his name?

OP posts:

boolifooli · 04/04/2011 21:36

Do you love your brother and enjoy spending time with him?

TattyDevine · 04/04/2011 21:38

I'd give him a go - you might find once he meets him, assigns a "personality" to him as well has being corrected on his name, it sinks in.

Obviously there are other issues but I'd give it a go. You might be surprised. And if he lets you down, at least you know why you are not bothering...

AgentZigzag · 04/04/2011 21:40

It's the name you chose for your DS, so you're not being precious.

Plus you're looking at reasons why he might be getting it wrong, if you were being precious it'd be about you rather than him.

He sounds hard work, but it could be a good way of him getting to know your son, I mean he's making an effort to come round, presuming he's round to see you rather than any other reason.

Is the hassle to the run up to his visit worth what you might gain? ie peace of mind that you have a better relationship, that he can meet your son etc.

If it's not then cancel.

BristolJim · 04/04/2011 21:43

Are you sure he's not just having a joke? I call my nephew Maxwell, despite him being called Max. It infuriates SIL, has long ceased to be funny but still I do it.

TBH it sounds like you have other issues with him. Do you actually want to spend time with him? If so, do it. If not, don't.

AgentZigzag · 04/04/2011 21:47

You annoying git Jim

You can want to spend time with someone but not want to at the same time, which is what the OP seems to be saying.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 21:48

Do I love him? Yes, because he is my brother. Do I enjoy spending time with him? not seen him for several years so can't answer that really.

Oh god, I am not exactly excited about his visit. He is behaving really oddly.

OP posts:

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 21:49

bristol if only it were that simple. Life really is not so simple is it? If so, can I have your life please?

He is not having a laugh. Honestly. I wish he was.

OP posts:

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 21:50

And I can't just cancel as he has booked a non-refundable hotel. That would be very mean (especially as I used my debit card to secure it and he has given me the money to pay for it so he would not get it back!)

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/04/2011 21:51

If you've not seen him for years you could just give it a go.

Unless the oddness is making you jumpy about having him in your house?

What was the reason he gave for wanting to come round after so long?

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 21:54

agentzigzag guilt probably. and loneliness. Not worried about him in the house. He had wanted to stay with us but we said hotel locally would be better all round (used the reasoning that DS gets up at 5am, which he does!), so if he is too odd we can just shorten our days. And if he is really inappropriately behaved (ie very drunk before breakfast/on drugs while around the kids) we can just ask him to leave til he is sober.

I am sure it will be fine

OP posts:

freebreeze · 04/04/2011 21:56

Give him a go.
Why not be up front with him and tell him the things that have upset you - he probabely doesn't have a clue. Give him a chance to make make amends..It might not work but then again it could! Don't give up before its even happened.

He has been hurtful showing no interest but this could change.

Don't give up on your bro just yet - no matter what a plonker he is. Honesty is the best policy x

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 21:56

I cannot beleive he cannot get his name right. It is really not difficult and if he looks back at his emails over the last couple of weeks he would see where i corrected him already, he does not even have to use his own memory!

OP posts:

pineappleupsidedownpudding · 04/04/2011 21:59

I feel a bit deja vue about this,I can remember a previous OP from you about this situation.
Make a decesion and stick to it you obviously don't want him to come and now the reason is your sons name. Befofe it was some thing else, just deal with it.

chunkyjojo · 04/04/2011 22:00

Sorry but why are you considering having him around your child? Never mind the name thing, you seem to be implying he has drink and drug issues?

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 22:01

he has been a plonker for 45 years...how many more years does he get to try?

I just emailed him and told him simply 'his name is Rxxxx!' I also told him that I am not going to call him Xxxxybaby - he keeps signing his emails and he just responded - 'stressed? tired? email me back when you are no so' It took all my effort not to tell him to fuck off!

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/04/2011 22:02

The OP can post as many times as she likes on whatever subject she likes pineapple, that's t'internet for you.

Just hide if it's fucking you off?

chunkyjojo · 04/04/2011 22:02

In that case why fight your gut instinct - tell him to fuck off

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 22:04

Pineapple - the name is not the reason. It is just one more thing. I know what you are saying. But I had rectified it in my head that it would all be fine. He was coming. It was sorted, he was not staying with us, he states not drinking at all. And now...

I am dithering. I know it.

chunky he states he is clean. I won't know til I see him if that is true. But he has been to visit before in the past while having drug/alcohol problems and never been high/drunk around the kids. And he will not be on his own with them. Honestly I would not put them in that position.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 04/04/2011 22:04

If he's stressing you out so much with just emails Pavlov, there's going to be fireworks surely if you come face to face.

Would you want your DS round that if it kicked off? Even if you were trying to restrain yourself it's going to make for a tense situation.

MorticiaAddams · 04/04/2011 22:05

Just call him by a different name until he gets it right.

When I was younger my uncle used to call me a similar but different name. He thought it was just different pronounciation but it is a different name - think Sara/Sarah. I wasn't afraid to speak my mind and used to tell him off and it eventually got through to him. It was all done very nicely and in a joking way.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 04/04/2011 22:06

chunky Because I am all he has I guess. And then i think that he does not remember my son's name. It really bothers me. I cannot put it into words why? It is weird but it bothers me more than I can explain!

OP posts:

pineappleupsidedownpudding · 04/04/2011 22:07

Sorry didn't mean to be so harsh, bad day.
Only you can make the right decesion, go with your gut.

BibiBelle · 04/04/2011 22:07

Oh Pav, how could he not love such a perfect name

Although my FIL struggles with all 3 of our DD's name even though they're straight forward names I have to bite my tongue.

(it's dizzydixies btw - hope you are well darling )

chunkyjojo · 04/04/2011 22:09

Not for a second implying you'd let your kids be at risk Pavlov, I'm sure you wouldnt. I just genuinely cant understand why you're prepared to see him when you're clearly anxious aout it and there seems to be history.

Not familiar with your previous threads but I gather you've had problems with him for a long time and it seems from what you're saying here today that you are only doing this out of maybe some sense of obligation? If this is the effect he has on you why do it? Even if all goes well will that erase whatever has gone on in the past?

tabulahrasa · 04/04/2011 22:10

Well I quite often call my own children wrong names, they think themselves lucky if it's the right species I'm calling them, (I quite often mix them up with pets) nevermind actually their names - and I'm not on drugs nor do I drink regularly, I'm just rubbish with names

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