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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to bother with 1 sibling now?

47 replies

CrapBag · 04/04/2011 20:43

Ok, she is much younger, will be 14 (going on 18) next month. We have the same dad, she has been brought up very differently to me. I was brought up with good manners by fairly strict GPs, her mum doesn't seem to know the words rules and boundaries and as a result my half sister is very much a selfish, spoilt brat. Because of the big age gap and the way she is growing up, I don't see us having a great relationship when she is older. I have 3 other grown up half siblings of 18, 19 and 24 that I adore and we get on very well, even though for most of our lives we didn't live together either.

My issue is presents.

Youngest sister never bothers with getting me a card or even sending me a text or facebook message to say happy birthday or anything. The birth of both of my children was a complete non event to her and her mother even though since she was born I have looked after her, taken her out, bought her things, ran errands and helped out whenever I was asked to (and I was always happy to do it). As I forgot her mothers DS's birthday one year (I had always bought for him and looked after him too) the mother has barely spoken to me since, not even given me cards whereas she used to always buy a present and refused to acknowledge the birth of either of my children. When I didn't buy for ungrateful youngest sister one year, she really kicked off at my dad and I got an earful about it. TBH, I was completely fed up of never even getting a thank you and pissed off about the way they were after I had a child after all the years of me doing things for them because I was happy to do it.

Basically my dad said it wasn't fair for me to buy for my older siblings and not the youngest, so last year I bought her a lovely present, never got a thank you and my birthday, xmas, DS's birthday and the birth of DD was all completely ignored by youngest sister and her mum (I still always sent cards to her mother and her son too, I stopped buying them presents a couple of years ago because money is tight). Its her birthday next month and I really am not interested in bothering with her. My other siblings all make a huge effort with my children. Even though they are all away, whenever they come back they see them and always bother with them at birthdays and xmas (even if they are completely crap at remembering my birthday, they always bother with my children).

I know it sounds petty and awful of me (especially seeing how she is younger) but I am fed up of spending money on someone who is very ungrateful and couldn't give a crap about me or my children. My dad even phoned her on my birthday and had a bit of a go at her about not sending me a card (her best friend lives in my street so she is always around here) and she swore she wa dropping one off to me later. She never did. She also swore to my dad that she said thank you to me last year, she never did.

WWYD? Would you bother anymore (and no flaming please, still a bit hormonal and PND)?

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 05/04/2011 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnorTraceptive · 05/04/2011 11:28

Look at it this way she is 14 now so you only have 3 more birthdays and 3 more xmas's to buy for her and then once she turns 18 it's perfectly fine to stop sending gifts.

I have never done gifts for siblings or visa versa so don't see it as a big deal. I think you are placing too much importance on it tbh

going · 05/04/2011 11:38

At 14 I would expect her to be included as part of the family in cards, prexents etc. It sounds as if your Dad, the girls mother send things seperatley - sounds selfish that your Dad doesn't just include everyone. When she reaches 16 or 18 discuss whether you are going do exchange gifts/cards anymore.

brass · 05/04/2011 15:57

Poor OP. I do know how grating it is. I have a nephew who behaves in the same way. When you hand him a gift he flings it to his mum without opening it or saying thankyou to me.

Personally if the mum is rude as well I don't think you should have to suffer your DC being snubbed by them. I think you should explain to your dad exactly why it's pissing you off. He needs to have a word with his DP really. It's not on they behave one way to you but you are expected to keep up appearances.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 05/04/2011 16:54

If money is tight get her a token gift or put a fiver in a card .... Hopefully you won't get slated for being tight! I understand what you are suing and YANBU but then again she is 14 and hormonal, plus the parents should make more of an effort to remind her etc.

PrincessScrumpy · 05/04/2011 17:02

At 14 I never brought stuff for my brother without direction from my mum - sounds like a typical 14 year old. Were you really that perfect. Her mum probably slagged you off to her for forgetting her brothers birthday so that's stuck with her.

LineRunner · 05/04/2011 17:41

What ConnorTraceptive said. A card with a ten quid or an ITunes voucher from the Asda till.

Original poster

CrapBag · 05/04/2011 19:48

Princess I don't recall saying I was perfect at all.

"It's not on they behave one way to you but you are expected to keep up appearances."

This is my issue exactly. They can behave to me exactly as they like and can completely snub me but I am still expected to bother which is why I get so pissed off with it. There is more wrt to my sister but its all to do with her general rudeness and attitude which I will pull her up about but then I am the worse person in the world.

I will shove a fiver in a card. I'm not spending more than that as she doesn't deserve it and there are more deserving presents to buy at the moment (brothers 21st, cousins wedding, loads of other birthdays and stuff coming up), not a great time of year!

OP posts:

brass · 05/04/2011 23:20

I still think you need to clarify that with your dad especially if the pressure is coming from him.

The 14 yr old is immature about it yes but the mum should know better. Sulking because you had a blip one year and holding a grudge against your DC birthdays is very very immature!

iscream · 06/04/2011 05:28

Forget the fiver, send her an etiquette book

OmShantiJack · 06/04/2011 05:52

Dandylioness, if the OP doesn't actually have the right to expect presents, then neither does the 14-year-old half-sister.

WMDinthekitchen · 06/04/2011 06:09

My daughter always sends thankyous without being asked if I take away the laptop, empty the fridge, threaten to appear in front of her BF wrapped in a small towel, withhold allowance, hide her mobile and tell her she will have to leave school and get a job. All she has to do is write a brief email or sign a thank you card but I make sure she does it. Joking apart, I would send the tenner or a gift voucher. One day you just might get a thank you or even a present from your sister. Hang in there!

Panzee · 06/04/2011 07:09

I used to be terrible at thanking relatives for presents when I was a child/teenager. I was 'reminded' constantly by my mum to do it but never did, and I'm sure I made up a few porkies about it then just to keep her quiet . Now I'm very good at presents, thank you cards etc. But only really since I had my son.

I'm more concerned about the mother holding a grudge because you forgot her son's birthday once. This sounds odder. Is the sister/thank you card thing just the icing on the cake of a strained relationship in general?

Original poster

CrapBag · 06/04/2011 10:18

"I'm more concerned about the mother holding a grudge because you forgot her son's birthday once. This sounds odder. Is the sister/thank you card thing just the icing on the cake of a strained relationship in general?"

It wasn't a strained relationship. We used to get on very well, until this one incident that I forgot her DS's birthday, after knowing her for 12 years and always getting presents, babysitting whenever asked, looking after both of them in the school holidays and generally doing other bits. The mother smokes a lot of weed and is the most paranoid person I have ever met. I do think it has had a massive effect on her personalilty as a whole.

I won't go to their house anymore because of the atmosphere, always shouting and swearing going on. The police have been there several times to remove her DS, who is now 17. It is not the sort of place I want my DCs to go at all. As I can see how her DS is, I can see exactly what my sister is going to be like and if she does turn out like I fear she will, she isn't someone I am going to want to be around, regardless of how we are related.

"if the OP doesn't actually have the right to expect presents, then neither does the 14-year-old half-sister" Exactly my point!!!

It just seems like such double standards that my children are completely ignored for births, birthdays and xmas but god forbid I only send a card and not a present.

OP posts:

DandyLioness · 06/04/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmShantiJack · 06/04/2011 16:42

Dandy... yes, I see your point. A 14-year-old is a child and the OP is an adult... but it seems to me that she's been given quite a few chances to see that her behaviour is unacceptable and to be a bit nicer and it doesn't seem she wants to. I think even a 14-year-old is capable of understanding that behaviours have consequences. And that the consequences of being unpleasant to her half-sister might be that she only receives a card and a token amount of money rather than a really nice gift.
I don't think it would be unreasonable to say (if she had the nerve to complain) "You've shown me that you don't appreciate the gifts I spend time picking out for you... I won't ignore your birthday because it is a special day, but you're old enough to realize that if I can't seem to please you with gifts I pick out for you, the best compromise is giving you some money so you can find something you like yourself. And I would really like to know what you buy for yourself so do let me know."

I don't think that's an unkind thing to do - is it? I'm asking seriously - rather, I think it's doing her a kindness to point out that behaviours have consequences and she has the chance to change her behaviour.

I'm posting this out of personal experience. I have a half-sister who's nearly 20 years younger than I am, and my other sister and I had the same problem - not saying thank you for gifts, ungraciousness... and in her case, it wasn't a problem with her parents (we have the same father and he really shaped up when he had her, he's been a great dad to her no matter what a crap dad he was to me and her mother is a really nice woman). She was just a stroppy teenager. She's now 22 and is a little better with thank-yous, but not much which makes me .

Anyway... as you were...

DandyLioness · 06/04/2011 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmShantiJack · 06/04/2011 17:05

Sorry DandyLioness (love the name :)), I missed that.
The thing is, I can sort of understand how the OP feels because I got to that point with my half-sister. I know it sounds awful, but sometimes I really felt like saying "FFS, don't talk to me until you grow up if you can't be nice". I never actually said it but I felt like it often. It's hard to go on doing the right thing when it seems to get you nowhere.

DandyLioness · 06/04/2011 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OmShantiJack · 06/04/2011 17:12

Original poster

CrapBag · 06/04/2011 19:47

"But the OP wasn't talking about putting money in a card - that was someone else's suggestion. The OP was talking about, and I quote, 'not bothering with her [the sister]'. As in, no present, no card, no token."

I do understand why it looks like I am being petty, there is a bit more to it wrt to her attitude and the incredibly rude way she has been to me, plus she will purposely snub my children but I saw her talking about buying my cousins DS a present and she asks to take him out in the summer (which I think my cousin is really irresponsible in letting her do, but thats another issue). I am just fed up with her in general and OmShanti said it with "FFS, don't talk to me until you grow up if you can't be nice" Its what I feel like all the time.

OP posts:

Selks · 06/04/2011 20:30

You could well end up having a meaningful relationship with her. She is only 14 and still a child, she has got growing up to do.
What I would do is have a direct word with her. Tell her that you value your relationship with her but you'd like to relate to her as an equal. And part of that involves being reciprocal with presents, a token one from her if she is a typical skint teenager. If she can't afford a present (and maybe she can't - have you thought of that??) tell her how much you love home-made gifts and cards. Tell her also that you appreciate and value it when she gets in touch and when she takes an interest in you and your children. Tell her that you'd like to be closer to her and that she can help that by remembering that relationships are two way.
She may well appreciate you offering her this opportunity to step up to the mark. Teenagers can be very self-absorbed and oblivious to the needs of others. they usually grow out of it, but you could do her - and you, if you do want a relationship with her - a big favour if you offer her a way to 'opt in' to a more reciprocal relationship with you. If you decide to take this tack do make sure that you stay away from any blaming or negative language - it won't help sort anything out and may just her back up.
If she doesn't respond to this 'opt-in' offer then you will know that you've done your best and if you still want to you can cease efforts. But she is only 14 - don't write her off just yet.

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