AIBU to expect DD to give a crap about my feelings?

[Celeste63]

I have been struggling with something, anemia, fatigue, depression, sleep apnea, nobody can tell me, for about 2 years now and my DD, 16, knows it; though I try not to talk about because it's boring and she can't do anything anyway. Today I came home from seeing the umptheenth doctor, feeling encouraged that he is actually going to sort me out. I told her I'd seen "Dr Millionaire" as I call him (he's v. expensive but has a good reputation). Doesn't even respond, then, as she opens up Facebook, "what?". I repeat, then get "yeah and?" in a distracted snotty tone. I responded "yeah and, I'm gonna drop dead!" Immature, I know, I know, but would a tiny shred of interest or sympathy be too much to ask for? I apologized but said she had really hurt my feelings. We spent the weekend shopping for her upcoming school trip and organizing for when we host a girl from the country she's visiting. I know my health is so much less interesting than that, or anything on Facebook or Twitter, but am I not a person too? I sometimes feel like nothing more than a maid and a cashpoint.

I then reminded her that she still hadn't done her ONE chore - emptying the dishwasher so that I could start dinner. She slammed her way through that task and is now in her room with the door slammed and locked.

So am I the world's biggest beotch?

Totally get how you feel. Been there too and cried alot.

However, the way i have come to terms with how my teenager sometimes behaves towards me in situations like this is to remember my teenager is not my "friend" but my child and i should not expect the same response that i would get from a friend or my DH. They are too self absorbed

Doesnt excuse the lack of thought but does help me not get too upset by the lack of empathy.

were we like this too way back when or have we turned our children into self absorbed monsters by being too child centred.

Stop being her cash point and maid and she will soon want to be nice to you. Put your feet up and treat yourself to something that will make you smile

When my mother lost my step dad she fell apart and it terrified me. I snapped at her a few times in the months after, I'm very ashamed of this.
I felt she was the parent and it was her job to be infallible, the realisation that she was human really scared me.
I'm very sorry about it and still think about it now, I am and was her shoulder to cry on but I panicked.

Maybe she's worried and trying to block your health situation out, or maybe (like you) she's a little tired of no-one being able to get to the bottom of it?

Try her again when you have a concrete diagnosis, she may act completely differently.

YANBU to expect her to give a crap but teenagers are not known for their empathy and if it's been going on for two years, then as flowerpotmummy says she is probably just bored with the situation. Most of us have our limits to how much sympathy we can give and two years is quite a long time for it to have been going on without getting a diagnosis.

Have you had any blood tests to see what it might be? Do you have any pain at all?

If I mention death or serious illness in my family, DD hates it and refuses to consider anything of the sort.
DS has a list of my possessions he wants to inherit.

YABU she is 16 and has been listening about your illness for two years. That's a long time in teenage years and I think her behaviour is just normal teenage behaviour. I think sometimes we forget what it is like to be a teenager. I'm sorry but I would find it hard to get excited about a possible diagnosis after two years of trying to find out what it is. She may just have given up getting her hopes up for you. Plus it can't be very nice for her to have a constantly sick mum.

How many times a week on average do you mention your health/symptoms to your DD?

My mum has been ill my entire life. I am aware that sound like a selfish twunt, but I would give anything to phone her up and ask her how she is and the answer be anything other than 'in pain'/'feeling awful'/'hoping Dr so-and-so will sort me out'. It would be nice to hear her say 'I'm really good actually!' or 'I'm having a great day'. It not boredom, its absolute powerlessness. I feel angry that this is my mum's life every day.

I had a friend growing up and her mother was ill all the time (I never found out what it was). It really affected her. I think it might help for you to source your support from another (reliable) place not a 14-16 year old. The chore is another matter.

I am a bit torn by this.
I have a teenager who is going through a difficult time and he is not really very nice atm. Someone who works with teens told me about studies that showed that there are changes in the brain that make them almost incapable of empathy (I am sure I havent put it in the right way so no flaming v.clever people please).

Its very difficult to deal with.

But I also grew up with a mother who was always ill. Always something wrong. It made me a very anxious child and then a teenager who just didnt want to know. I had been scared witless whilst young and hardened myself to it.

You are her mum - she wants yo to be well always and never die. When people worry they often look and sound like they are being selfish AND she is a teenager with all that entails.

YANBU for wanting her to be nice to you and do her jobs but I wouldnt expect my children to take an interest in my health problems. They way I grew up means I dont really mention anything like that unless I have to.

You describe it really well MrsDeVere - the anxiety you feel because there is always 'something wrong' when you have a chonically ill parent.

To be honest, if I'd been hearing about it for two years, I wouldn't be very interested either. You're clearly not seriously ill or you'd be in hospital, so what exactly do you expect her to do? get excited about a maybe forthcoming diagnosis that has previously turned out not to be a diagnosis at all?

A friend would have been excited for you, a friend would want to talk about it with you - your daughter wants you to be her rock. She doesn't want to support you.