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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

And selfish to only be staying for DD

30 replies

manfromCUK · 04/04/2011 15:00

I have reached the end of my tether with DP - no point in doing a Jeremy Kyle about it on here - but another thread got me thinking.

My plan is to stay with DP (we can keep it civil 99% of the time) until DD is 18 (she's 3).

But - I'm doing this for entirely selfish reasons. DP makes me miserable, but I don't have to put up with it that much as we both work, and as I said, we can keep civil most of the time. But I know that if we split up, I won't see DD very much. In darker rows DP has threatened to move away with DD and ensure I never see her again. I also really don't want to have to be a weeked Dad. But is it fair to DD? She does witness an occasional crossed word despite our best efforts.

OP posts:
Portofino · 04/04/2011 15:02

In MHO, you are setting all 3 of you up for a lifetime of misery. I would look for another way personally.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/04/2011 15:02

It's not cross words I'd worry about but lack of a loving relationship. Get legal advice about access/custody.

Eglu · 04/04/2011 15:02

YABU you are not doing it for your DD, you are doing it for your benefit to see your DD more.

I don't think it is healthy to stay together, and it will not be good for your DD in the long run.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/04/2011 15:02

15 years Shock

you'd both get less for murder

Seiously, you both deserve better - love, affection, kindness....something

Split up amicably - do shared parenting. Push for proper co-parenting.

AppleyEverAfter · 04/04/2011 15:02

Have you tried counselling?

Bucharest · 04/04/2011 15:03

No it isn't fair to her.
In the same way that a woman shouldn't stay because of her child, neither should a man. But I do appreciate it's harder because almost always the child lives with the mother.
Presuming you're not a violent abusive type though, you can ask for joint custody terms that means you will spend more time with your daughter.
Think about it like this, you say yourself dd is already witnessing cross words, they don't mean much, if anything to her now, at 3,but in 5 years time, 10 years time they will.

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 15:04

she wont thank you in the long run,or necessarily turn out any better than any other child from a divorced family........think you are doing the wrong thing to be honest

why dont you leave and take dd with you? she's threatened to alienate you so why not? assume you have pr? you're on equal footing if neither of you are stay at home parents......

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 04/04/2011 15:05

That's so sad.............it's not fair to any of you to be honest. Is there no amicable way you can seperate?? Would you DP really move away or are they just idle threats. Get some legal advise and find out exactly what rights you will have.

15 years is a long time away, you only get one life and should live it as happily as you possibly can. We're a long time dead!

TandB · 04/04/2011 15:06

"why dont you leave and take dd with you? she's threatened to alienate you so why not? "

Eek. No! No! No! For so many reasons, no!

plopplopquack · 04/04/2011 15:06

I can see why you would be thinking of doing this if she has threatened to take your DD away so you never see her again!

Eglu YABU you are not doing it for your DD, you are doing it for your benefit to see your DD more.

What are you talking about! His DP wants to stop them seeing each other forever!

CurrySpice · 04/04/2011 15:07

a mother who is miserale for 15 years is is the best gift you can give a girl on her 18th birthday! Hmm

FreudianSlippery · 04/04/2011 15:08

Do you really think your DD won't pick up on this? That she won't sense the tension between you?

Do you think she won't feel guilty when she realises (and believe me she will realise) that you've only stayed together for her? And carry that guilt with her into her adult life?

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 15:09

kungfu.......why??

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2011 15:09

they can try shared parenting on sensible terms without her threatening to move away every 5 mins

FreudianSlippery · 04/04/2011 15:12

I can see it's horrible having the threat of DP taking DD away, but don't you think that'll be worse the longer you leave it?

In one of your more civil phases can you talk properly about this and arrange to split for the good of all three of you?

HerHissyness · 04/04/2011 15:13

FGS, don't you dare stay for the sake of this poor child.

Go and get yourself some advice from the CAB, and make sure that you put legal framework in place to ensure you have shared custody.

What will you staying be teaching your DD? You do this and she will end up in the very same situation when she gets married. You want her to live like this?

You will begin to resent your DP and she you, and that resentment will poison the entire house.

Understand your rights, identify your options and make a choice FOR YOU.

TandB · 04/04/2011 15:14

Why? Why say to a parent 'no, do not take your child away from her other parent?' Do I really have to spell it out?

If so:

  1. The legal system is likely to take a spectacularly dim view of a parent doing a runner with a child, no matter what threats were made by the other parent. The courts expect adults to behave like adults and there are steps that can be taken if a parent believes that he/she is at risk of having a child removed from them.

  2. The courts are still heavily weighted in favour of the mother. Behaving like this would tip the balance still further against the father.

  3. A child is not a possession to be scrapped over or involved in a tug-of -war. Where one parent is already threatening to behave less than admirably, the child has a right to expect the other parent to react appropriately, not pull back harder.

  4. What about the effect on the child?

I am slightly horrified that you would suggest it.

Happylander · 04/04/2011 15:14

My mum and dad stayed together....bad bad move. Affected all 3 kids in one way or another and put me off relationships for most of my adult life..well until I met DH who has the patience of a saint and took the time to break down those barriers. I could never ever understand why my mum stayed or why my dad did. It was toxic and miserable for everyone.

louloudia · 04/04/2011 15:18

what a waste of two lives :(

presumably daughter wont have more siblings and you will more than likely both be too old to have more kids in 15 years time

TheBlindAssassin · 04/04/2011 15:21

Hmm, for a second, I thought the OP was me! The difference is I'm the mother.

I understand how you feel. My DH and I are more than civil with each other - we are still able to laugh, joke and socialise with others in the same way we used to, though the anger sometimes threatens to take over and it takes all my strength to stop myself from wringing his neck! If I leave, my DH will be getting custody - suffice to say, the career I'm in, there's little chance of me being afforded full-time custody and even fully joint custody would be a stretch! I'd be reduced to being a once-in-a-fortnight weekend-only resident parent, a situation I'd resent, seeing as the relationship would be ending due to something he did!

It's a tough situation, but I'm inclined to agree with the posters on here. You may be civil now, but what about in a year's time? 2 years' time? Then again, I'm contemplating the exact same thing that you are, so I'm not one to hector! Will be watching this thread closely ...

Original poster
manfromCUK · 04/04/2011 15:26

Crikey - I was expecting less of a concensus.

I appreciate all the advice about "my rights" and legal whatnots - but-

I know from the experience of my sister that legal rights mean absolutely nothing if the other party chooses to ignore them (as her ex DH has).

I also know that my DP is very subtle and extremely clever in avoiding doing anything that doesn't suit her, so I am expecting the worst.

There is (and has been) no violence, but we have had some very bad stuff to each other (not when DD around and not that often) - as I said I really don't want to do a Jeremy Kyle about it and I am aware there are two sides to every story too - I know I'm not without blame.

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 04/04/2011 15:29

15 years of misery is what you'll be inflicting on the whole family.

madonnawhore · 04/04/2011 15:34

Sounds utterly miserable for all involved.

Original poster
manfromCUK · 04/04/2011 15:41

I know it's slightly selfish of me (wanting to see DD) but I also slightly worry that DD will resent me for "going" at some point in future simply because I rob her of my time (albeit not through my choice).

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 04/04/2011 15:43

Your dd will be affected for the rest of her life if she doesn't see how adult relationships should be. If you were both single, she would see you with friends, maybe a loving partner, and she will grow up to know what is normal. As it is, she will grow up thinking that all adults ever do is be polite and courteous to eachother, that they don't have closeness and cuddles and laugh together.

Is the sort of relationship you have with your DP the sort of relationship you want your dd to grow up to have?

You would not be benefitting your dd at all if you stay in an unhappy relationship.

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